LIVE It, SURVIVE It, CONQUER It!!

One thing at a time

2012-01-23T22:29:00.000-08:00

OK peeps! I have been doing a little soul searching lately resulting in ridiculous amounts of thoughts running through my head that I wish would just automatically record on something so I can write it out when I get home to share with everyone...but alas, until such a thing can be imbedded in one's brain I must go through all of my random thoughts one at a time...so bear with me...(not all in one blog post so DON'T WORRY!! LOL)

I haven't been too motivated lately to do pretty....much...anything...it's one of those things that it gets overwhelming trying to wrap your mind around ALL of the things that need to get done or that I want to get done so in the end VERY little gets done...even though I feel like I never stop moving...little bit here and there so a lot of things get started but not a whole lot gets completed! STORY OF MY LIFE!

I've had to be honest with myself about a lot of things and try to change the way I think about life, my attitude, my relationships with others, how I can't control a lot of things (which is very hard for me to grasp) and so on...but I need to focus on the things that I can control like how I react to people by not letting things get to me and taking them so personally that I start to think something is wrong with ME...and just let...it...GO!! So for 2012 I have to focus on busting out of my comfort zone and doing things to help my mental state cause I am EXHAUSTED!!

If you can recall, since my cancer diagnosis I have been trying to strike against any doctors whatsoever...is this healthy? NO, of course not, but it turned out to be one of the ways I dealt with it (or didn't deal with it). Although I have gone to all of my follow ups with my specialists I have moaned about each and every one of them (you know what I'm talking about, you read it ;)

I was angry at my family doctor because he was the poor man who had to walk into that room and tell me that I had cancer. But today I CHOSE to follow through with an appointment to go and see him to have a chat. After we had some honesty time together I realized just how NOT OK I am with stuff that has been happening in my life over the past 3.5 years....I have to find a way to enjoy life again and enjoy the things that used to make me happy...

So, that being said, I found a crochet dishcloth book that I have had for years with 99 patterns in it. I am going to set myself a goal to make 1 dishcloth a day until I have a schwackload of them. I've always wanted to do it so there's no time like the present! I know this may sound lame, but it's something small that I can start with...one little thing at a time :)

Friday is a happy day once again :)

2011-12-16T21:36:00.000-08:00

The anxiety has been building for some time now waiting for this day to come. I would be ok with it, and then I wouldn't, then I would, then...you get the point! That's a LOT of rollercoaster-ing with the emotions people! Absolutely exhausting!

Last night after a busy day at work, an emotional call to confirm my appointment for the ultrasound I met up with one of my wonderful sister in law's for dinner and a vent fest! It was sooooooo nice!! I spewed what I felt needed to be spewed and she listened and took it all in...whilst we enjoyed some amazing butter chicken...!!

We then hit Old Navy where she got some FANTASTIC news that friends of theirs who have been through some very difficult times had their baby last night. We were so happy for them! Such a blessing and the exact bit of amazing news that made our night even greater...so as we left the mall she looked at me and said "tomorrow during your ultrasound, remember this happy feeling..."

Then later that night the head hits the pillow and the mind starts a goin'...and going, and going...

Sleep finally came but was everything but restful...I was pretty much a wreck this morning, stomach was churning, the whole nine...but I did manage to still enjoy my coffee and a bagel (that's how I roll).

Dropped kids at school, wonderful mother in law came to watch the little man while we made our way to the appointment. Mike tried his best to keep my mind off of it but I don't think I said one word the whole time.

Enter waiting room, check in, wait, wait some more, cry a little (or a lot, cause that's also how I roll), then she called my name....

As she is doing her thing with my neck I start to panic because she is typing things on her keyboard on my RIGHT side and there was never anything over there, is there now? What's she doing? (heart racing like crazy). She asks if I'm ok and I give her the "oh ya, I'm fine"...NOT!! She proceeds to the left side of my neck and I wait...more typing, more searching, more typing...I'm about to pass out at this point...and I pray...and pray...

Then she says "Well, the results will go back to your doctor but everything looks good"...silence...crickets...WHAT DID YOU SAY?? I follow up with "Are you sure you looked all over the place, like up here?" (pointing to where I thought I felt a lump)...

Bless her heart, she goes over AGAIN for my sanity the place I was talking about and said "Yep, you have lymphnodes, we all have lymphnodes (duh) and I see three of them" (to which she proceeded to count them as she found them again)..."and they look fine"

I then turn into a puddle on the floor thanking her so much for giving me good news and apologizing for being a complete basket case. She was sooo amazing and said "I don't blame you one bit for reacting like this, you've been through a lot. The important thing is to keep coming back to get an ultrasound EVERY year. This year it's good news"

I walk back into the waiting room to Mike and cry my face off, HAPPY tears and the stress is GONE!! I can't even begin to explain how relieved I felt...

Today was a GREAT day! Bring on Christmas!

Friday is a coming...

2011-12-13T19:27:00.000-08:00

and although this is usually a super awesome happy day for everyone, I, my friends, have an ultrasound of my neck...

Now it's time for me to be real with all of you...I am FULLY expecting them to find something in this ultrasound...not because I "feel" like they will, or because I'm "waiting for the ball to drop", but because I have swollen lymph glands under my chin and a lump nearby...

So...what do we do with this information? Well, we go for an ultrasound...and a couple weeks ago I was an absolute WRECK at the mere thought of this appointment but now I have done some digging (Google, cause that's how I roll), some soul searching, some venting and crying, and a lot of praying, and am now at peace with it. If they find something then we'll deal with it...WE will deal with it. I have to get out of this "I'm in this alone" mindset and lean on all of the amazing people in my life.

Am I still a little worried?? Of course, but I know that I have been through all of this before and I can do it again. Beyond that I don't know what else to say...I just needed to let you know that this is what is coming up and this is what's on my mind!

T

Random emotional thought day

2011-11-23T20:24:00.000-08:00

This is the place where I can just open up and talk right? Ok...today was an interesting day and turned out to be a very emotionally draining day and I didn't even realize it happened until about 10 minutes ago when my body just decided ENOUGH and it seems to be forcing me into an early bedtime (which is so not like me).

Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.

An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???

Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...

I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...

...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!

Thanks for listening...

Breaking it down...one neurotic step at a time!

2011-11-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

This time of year brings to mind many things for many people...Christmas shopping and gift giving, family gathering plans, prepping for the upcoming winter, sugar plums dancing in your heads, etc...you know, the whole nine yards...

Along with all these things I am made to think about my yearly cancer follow up with my endocrinologist, who gets a bit of a laugh out of me because I seem to avoid him (or any doctor right now for that matter) like the plague and he always makes sure he follows up with me because he's afraid he won't hear from me again if he doesn't...

Each year I think these follow ups will get easier...but they don't...each year I try to channel the most positive of thoughts and actually walk into that appointment with a smile and leave with a smile...but it doesn't seem to happen...I might actually be giving the good doctor a complex as it seems that the mere sight of him can make me turn into a puddle of tears...

This year I am trying to tell myself that I can actually walk into the ultrasound without someone holding my shaking hand in the waiting room...but I don't think I can, or want to...besides I have an amazing CC (Cancer Companion) who is always there making these things a little easier so why do these things alone?

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things in regards to how I've changed since this has become my new reality and why I act certain ways towards certain things or fly off the handle over something that may appear to anyone else as being so insignificant and small but has blown up into a disaster for me...

Every little thing means something different now...I find that I have a new outlook on life and want to do things differently, but get frustrated because I don't know where to start or have enough time to finish something...there are so many things that I want to accomplish (big and small) that I panic when I don't feel like I have enough time...I want to travel with my family and watch my children experience things in case I don't have the TIME in the future...everything has come down to time lately and this has it's ups and downs...

Everytime I have to clear my throat I automatically think that my cancer has come back...every time I feel a twang anywhere in my body, I think my cancer has returned in a different area...this jump starts my mind into telling myself that you better hurry up and get some stuff accomplished on that TO DO list before you find yourself in the hospital for more treatment or something. I don't know how to sort through these thoughts and I don't even really know how to accurately explain them to people which frustrates me even more at times.

I am struggling to find what my normal pace of life is supposed to be now. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on things and what I am getting done, but then I will panic over where I left my crochet magazines, cause where oh where could they be, why is this place such a mess, why can't I find anything, I just want to find my magazines, I just saw them, freaking right out, crying, panic rising....CRAZY right??? Thank God for my amazing husband who hasn't given up on me yet and committed me because of my outbursts.

Some people I'm sure would tell me that I need to enjoy life and stop trying to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the time it feels like RIGHT NOW is all the time I've got and there's so much that I want to do that I don't want to waste a minute...I find that I am trying to enjoy life TOO much, if that makes any sense...there's so much that I still want to do that I am trying to do it and see it and make those memories with everyone in my life while I'm feeling good!! On the days that I do convince myself to take some time and relax all I think about is the stuff I could be getting done and then I feel like I've wasted time.

I want to feel like I am contributing something special to people's lives...this is where my crochet comes in...I've always enjoyed crocheting, I've always enjoyed making things for people, but now it means something so much more...my crocheting has become an outlet for me in a way I can't really put into words and being able to make hats, blankets, toys, etc. for people brings me an incredible calmness and crazyness all at the same time...like if I could hurry up and crochet something for everyone in my life then they would know how much they mean to me and would have something to hopefully treasure from ME if I'm ever not here physically...

I have read that this behaviour is quite common in cancer survivors because we are trying so desperately to find some sort of normal again outside of doctor's appointments, treatments, follow ups, etc. that we have to put all of our heart and soul into something else...

I have been fooling myself for the last couple years into believing that I am the same person I used to be and that I could just sail back into my previous reality unscathed. Things mean MORE to me now...relationships MEAN more to me now which explains why I seem to panic when I notice changes that could very well be a natural progression of that relationship but I get frustrated when I don't have the POWER to keep it the same (why don't we talk as much anymore, why don't we see eachother as much anymore, etc)...TIME means everything to me now...

So as this year's follow up ultrasound and blood tests approach, I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's always in the back of your head that if you let your guard down, even just a little bit, THAT is when they will tell you more bad news...so when people ask me how I'm doing my response is ALWAYS "So far, so good", not "Great, couldn't be better", not "EXCELLENT" because a recurrence is always in the back of my mind...but this, my friends is all a part of...

MY NEW NORMAL...and I should probably suck it up and get used to it right?

Thanks for listening...it means so very much!!

Ferguson Daily Deed

2011-10-23T19:17:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago I decided to implement a simple concept in our house and called it the Ferguson Daily Deed. I wrote out the days of the week on our whiteboard and started picking one thing to put beside every day of the week. Something that seriously needs to be done or organized in the house with the hopes that if ONE thing got done each day it would help with the harmony in the house. So we were really diligent...for the first little bit...and then...it..all...slowly...STOPPED!

Really we always seem to have the best of intentions and then it all seems to head south. Well, tonight I have started up the ol' Ferguson Daily Deed board once again. Tonight it was the pantry...blahhhhh!!! I was tired of not being able to close the door, have boxes and boxes of stuff on the floor, stuff just thrown in there and balanced precariously on something else...etc, etc...

I threw out so much stuff it was truly unbelievable.It's amazing how fantastic I feel knowing that SOMETHING was completed today around the house. After I expressed my relief today to Mike he said it made him happy too since a happy Mommy/Tracy is a happy household. LOL

My recycling bin in the back is now full and I have a functional pantry once again....oh and guess what?? I found a rogue soother buried along with the 2nd cordless phone that has been missing for at least the past 18 months....!!!!!

I would have taken a pic of the before and after, but I seem to have misplaced my camera :S
Guess we'll have to add "search for camera" onto the list of this week's daily deeds!!

It's all about the baby steps my friends and I am trying my best to make the chaos in this house all come together!

We have a 5 year old in the HOUSE!!

2011-10-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

If you know anything about me, you will know that I love birthdays!! Not just mine, but EVERYONE'S! I feel that no matter what your age, just being here and living life is reason to celebrate! That, and we all need at least ONE day a year to have the focus on them. I truly believe that I love birthdays so much because my Mom always made sure my brother and I had great parties. We didn't have to do much, she just made sure we got to have some friends over and a cake and a good time! No matter what was happening in her life or in our house, birthdays were never overlooked. I told myself a long time ago that I would be the same way (yes, sometimes we WANT to be like our Moms ;)

Today was Miss R's 5th birthday! She was super excited and so we had some dinner after we got home from work, had a quick visit with Grandpa, then headed to the mall to surprise her with a Build-a-Bear trip! They were FANTASTIC there! They made her a badge for her birthday, gave her oodles of attention and then sang her a great song (as she buried her face in Daddy's leg). We walked away with a very happy birthday girl with her new bear on her back and decided to pick up some cupcakes from the Buttercream Bake Shoppe kiosk in the middle of the mall (you do what you have to do for the sake of the children). We then went over to Gramma's for a tea and cupcake and came home. Nothing too crazy, but we always make sure the kids do something little on their actual birthday!

I can't believe she's already 5 and out of all of my kids she is the one that I feel is growing up the fastest. It also freaks me out that she is a mini ME!! Yikes! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is so much fun and full of life and has such an amazing personality.

SUCCESS!

2011-10-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

Last May I blogged about the dreaded subject of weight loss where I mentioned that this was an ongoing battle (as it is for a lot of us) and how I could think of every excuse NOT to get into shape but was obviously never motivated enough to actually DO something about it.

Well, this past April I (along with some major encouragement from an amazing friend) decided that enough was enough and made the leap to join Weight Watchers at work. Figured, hey, why not? I have had NO success on my own so how about I learn from the professionals on how to eat properly. I promised myself that I would only focus on one thing at a time, and not get overwhelmed with having to stick to a new eating regime AND getting into a structured exercise schedule. What did I choose to focus on first? FOOD obviously! I had to learn how to evaluate my relationship with food and why I wasn't losing weight (besides the obvious full bag of chips on a very regular basis) and what I had to do about that. This journey has been HARD! Some days way more than others, and I have to say that if it wasn't for my fab friend at work I wouldn't have gotten this far! She has kicked my butt whenever I get frustrated and has praised me when I needed to hear it. We have been real with eachother and I am so very thankful for our partnership through this!

So far I have lost 22 pounds and feeling amazing! I am now smaller than I have been since before I had any of my children and that is coming up to 10 years in January! WOW!! I can't say that I have conquered the battle with food but I am now better equipped to deal with cravings and know that if I lose control (which I often do) I know how to get back on track! The bottom line is....I needed to get to the point where I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted the food!

This now leads me to my next challenge...EXERCISE! There are very obvious reasons to exercise. It's good for you, will aid in weight loss but one of the MAJOR reasons for me is that it can help in fighting any recurrences of cancer. I have read quite a few articles and listened to a lot of stories lately outlining that exercise can actually reduce the chance of cancers coming back. Sign a girl up! The U of C recently opened up a gym for cancer patients and cancer survivors free of charge for this very reason! AMAZING!

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a year and guess what??? It's SOOOOO much easier to run when you are 22 pounds lighter! Go figure! I have always been an off and on kind of runner. Sure I've done some races but did I really enjoy it?? Not really...except the finishing part!! But I'm thinking that now that I've achieved the weight loss part of this adventure and I'm feeling better about myself as a person I can now actually believe in myself to achieve a fitness goal beyond a 5 or 10 km race.

GOALS: I never really understood goals. Not to the point where you actually put a time limit on yourself to achieve something. I was all about the "one day I would like to do that" frame of mind. But I now realize that without that deadline you either just forget about it or FAIL. So now my SIL (goal setter extraordinaire) and I are going to team up and keep the motivation going and be eachother's "Jiminy Crickets" if you will and work towards the Calgary Half Marathon in May.

One NEEDS goals...something to look forward to...something to keep you interested in what you are doing...BRING IT ON!

I would like to introduce you to...

2011-09-28T19:57:00.000-07:00

My ADDICTION! I realize that I may need help, but the good thing is that I recognize this fact and am willing to accept it and work with it...
So, I have been crocheting for a while now. I have started, gone hard, then stopped cold, sometimes for YEARS...then I'll pick it up again and on goes the cycle. So, as I have wandered through this world, STUMBLING upon sales here and there, stores closing their doors resulting in BLOWOUT prices, what, I ask you is a girl (who is apparently addicted to yarn) supposed to do?? Just walk by and pretend that I didn't see that cotton on for $1 a ball, or some baby yarn that would be PERFECT for "something" later?? No no my friends, I have been BUYING it...for years!

As a result I would like you to see first hand what kind of situation we (or I) am dealing with...

Please meet THE STASH (3/4 of it anyway...the rest I have to dig out)

I know right??? Those see through under the bed containers are 39.5 x 29.25 inches big and 7.5 inches deep, I have an entire rubbermaid upstairs still full of more BIG skeins of yarn and yes folks, that wicker laundry basket is FULL!!

Now, what I am going to do with all of this you might be asking yourself?? I definitely don't have a shortage of items that I want to crochet or a shortage of the yarn to complete them with, it's simply a matter of trying to figure out where to start!

Here's the deal...I've kind of developed a challenge for myself. I am going to TRY my best to use up all of this yarn INSTEAD of going out and getting more. If I do go out and buy anymore then I have to use up the same amount of balls when I get home!

First up...I will be starting my next project with these guys...

They will be a big checkerboard for my kids to play with...so CUTE!

Let the games begin...Have a great night!

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!

2011-09-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

That pretty much sums it up with my blog tonight! What contributed to this feeling? Something silly like my counter at the bottom of my page stopped working! So frustrating. All of a sudden it disappeared and I had to add another one so it reset my hits....Grrrrr!!

It's very clear that I have a LOT to learn about the blogging world or just the design of it! There are so many things you can do or add it gets darn right overwhelming. I did figure out how to add Text lists to it so I put up the beginning of my crafty wanna do/complete lists. Trying to teach this old dog new tricks!

If anyone has anything they think would be helpful with blogging design or whatever, please HELP!!

Thanks for listening to my silly little rant...

Back in Action

2011-09-24T20:25:00.000-07:00

Hello my peeps!!! I am going to try and try to blog, blog, blog! I am going to mix it up a bit and do what I do best....speak my mind, share my life and maybe throw some crafty-ness in there. Of course my relationship with the bad "C" word will always be there, the elephant in the room, and I will share my trials and tribulations through all of that cause let's face it....I need to talk through it, and you all give me a place to do that. But, I have decided to let my cancer be a part of my past and not allow it do define who I am or impede upon my dreams or future goals...cause then the cancer wins...

Onward and upward my friends! This has been a very busy year, full of amazing things and brand new adorable members of our family which I have been very busy with so there's never a shortage of things to chat about!!

As we approach the wonderful month of October (my fave) we are staring at the crazy birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving season so let the FUN begin!!!

The Cousins

2011-02-01T18:46:00.000-08:00

When I was growing up I barely saw my cousins and when I did, it was usually only for a couple days and then who knows when we would be together again. I love them dearly but we just didn't get to know eachother like we should have. Because of this it has become VERY important to me to have my children grow up and connect with their cousins.

Rachel CONSTANTLY asks for her cousin Sienna. They are 2 peas in a pod, BFF's all the way...and they haven't been able to see eachother in a few weeks so they start to go a little squirrely to say the least. My sister in law and I had a brain fart to Skype tonight so they could talk to eachother and it was SO much fun! The excitement and the giggling was pretty cute and I am so glad they have eachother!

COUSINS...what an amazing relationship!

I GOT THE POWER!!

2011-01-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

Week 2 of the lunch hour workouts is in full swing and I was TERRIFIED of the class today...Metabolic Conditioning...good times! They pretty much make you do a ridiculous amount of cardio combined with weight training and it will kick your body into full on fat burning mode for about 36 hours afterwards!! I am ALL over that part of it, but wasn't sure if I would be able to walk myself back to my office after the class.

But my lovely friend Tacy and I rocked it out for sure!!! We conquered that class and need to feel really good about it right now because come tomorrow morning we KNOW that the class will have taken all of the pride from us! And we still have 2 MORE classes this week. I figure by the time Saturday morning hits I am going to be a pile of goo that won't be able to move out of her bed. But I know my WONDERFUL husband will wake up with the kids and let me rest my muscles in the comfort of my nice warm bed... :)

But all in all, I am feeling pretty good. Now if only I could get the snacking thing under control...hmmmm, guess I need to find the old will power to accomplish that task! I am trying not to change EVERYTHING right away because I honestly believe that has contributed to my downfall in the past. There is such a thing called "Too much too soon". We all get overly motivated and immediately want to change everything really quickly and if you are like me, expect results IMMEDIATELY!!! This is so not the case and it takes a ton of work...but results are possible and I just have to keep reminding myself of that!

So, I will continue to dominate my workouts and keep crossing them off my schedule in my office as a little "YAY Me" and move onto the snacking in a little bit...

Lesson of the Day

2011-01-05T19:59:00.000-08:00

DON'T SLEEP IN A TODDLER BED!! This should be a no brainer on any given day, but the things we do for our children and to keep them out of our own beds so that our spouses can sleep is really amazing! Caleb woke up last night and instead of bringing him into our bed I just crawled (sort of) into his with him. The rest of the night was both of us banging our heads, arms and legs on hard plastic edges of his car shaped toddler bed which resulted in a BRUTAL sleep for Mom! But at least he didn't win by getting to be in our bed right?? HA! Somehow I still think I'm the big loser in this one! Oh what a sight it must have been to see my legs hanging off the end of it and balancing ever so carefully on the side of it to make sure I didn't disturb his sleep in any way. LOL. As I'm typing this it seems funnier and funnier...ah well, I guess it will be one for the memory books!

Started the crazy exercise classes at work today and boy oh boy the lesson to be learned there is that if you ever need the motivation to get your butt moving, ALWAYS stand in front of the mirrored wall and watch yourself bounce and jiggle in a way that is so not natural it isn't even funny! Wow, what an eye opening experience that was!! LOL. It was like a train wreck...it was horrible but you just can't stop looking in disbelief! But it prevented me from snacking the rest of the afternoon so that's a victory in itself!

Can't wait to do it all again tomorrow...minus the sleeping in the toddler bed...not recommended at all!!

Miracles do happen my friends...

2011-01-04T20:33:00.000-08:00

...and the miracle that happened to us today was that we actually went to Costco tonight and only bought what we NEEDED!!! I know right? Give ourselves a pat on the back and all that jazz! I was uber impressed with us. The store was pretty much a ghost town, the kids were angels and they got to run some stink off as we accomplished what we set out to do! It just doesn't get much better than that people!! Sometimes it's the little things that make the day so much better!! That and the fact that Mike's back to come along to the store with me with all the kids. That definitely brings my stress level right down.

Like I said in an earlier post...I have a great feeling about this year. Priorities have shifted and so has my outlook on wants vs. needs and I am noticing how much more relaxed I'm becoming...slowly...but it's progress and that's all that matters this early in the new year's game!

Starting tomorrow I am doing an exercise class in my office building over the lunch hours so there is no longer any excuses as to why I'm not fitting in any physical activity. When I get home at night I am so busy doing a million things that there just isn't any time so I figure if I can get it all done over lunch then I'm golden!! I also have a pretty awesome workout partner who will drag me down to that room kicking and screaming if she has to, so that's some pretty great motivation.

Costco miracles, new way of thinking, new goals (or recycled ones from years before)...pretty great start and tons to look forward to...but we're only on day 4! LOL

Oh, and on a side note...another miracle for today is that I've actually done 3 blog posts in a row. WHOO HOO!!!

Life...so many decisions to make...

2011-01-03T20:31:00.000-08:00

If only there was a REAL thing called the Easy Button! Life is just so hard to figure out and to know which route to take. I had a few conversations today with my sister in law, a mom of one of my daughter's friends and of course, myself about a decision that I have been thinking about for a very, very, exhaustingly long time....STAYING HOME...

Mike and I always knew that it wouldn't even be an option until he was all done his schooling and has a full time job. Well, that was 4 years ago and now he is embarking on his last year of school and the reality of actually being able to stay home is smacking me in the face. Part of me really likes my job, my company and the people I work with. I consider myself to be very lucky in that respect. But a larger part of me is so tired of the commute downtown, the rat race, rushing around for dinner and not being able to spend a ton of quality time with my kids. Everything always feels so crazy and ridiculous and I feel like I'm ripping myself and my kids off!

Many factors come into play of course. I have medical coverage at my job and if I ever have to face the dreaded cancer again I know I will be covered for any time off I have to take. It also covers my yearly prescription which costs a small fortune. But I also don't want to give the possibility of cancer that much power to control the way I live my life. It's already taken so much of my time and energy. On the flip side, who knows how much time we have in this world and no one ever dies saying that they wished they would have worked more...

I never thought I would get to the point in my life where I would prefer to be at home, but I also think it's because it's never been an option for me in the past. I have always made my own money and am very happy with doing that so I will definitely have to do something on the side or very part time to bring in something but I am already trying to explore a few options to help me do that. But there's also the fear of quitting a great job that has me set up for retirement, savings and stock options which also benefit my kids and family in the long run and then things not working out the way we had hoped and I find myself having to look for another job...maybe I'm just over thinking it all???

Many people have told me "what's the point now? Your kids will pretty much all be in some sort of schooling by the time you are able to stay at home with them so why bother?" This fact is very true but I spoke with someone very wise today and she is the only one who has ever said this to me. She said "they need you just as much when they are older because that's when they can get into trouble and need a different type of guidance". I had honestly never thought of it that way because everyone puts so much emphasis on the first 5 years of life. So after all this it seems like a no brainer right? Then why am I experiencing such a fight over it? Because I'm scared to death of the unknown, I HATE change and despise leaving my comfort zone and not having a solid income of my own would definitely take me out of that area.

Bottom line - I want to be the one to drop them off, pick them up and hear all about their day...and the internal struggle continues...where's that EASY button when you need it??

2011 is here...and I have a 9 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-02T19:49:00.000-08:00

2011 is now upon us and today is Taylor's 9th birthday! Amazing! I told Mike yesterday that part of me can't believe that Taylor is already 9 years old, but then another part of me can't believe that she's ONLY 9 years old. Does that make sense?? It's because it feels like she's always been a part of our lives and it's hard to believe that it's only been the past 9 years that she's been here.

Anyways, what an amazing day! We hit the mall, grabbed some snow gear for Dad then went sledding!!!! Now for those of you who know about my "near death" experience (ok, not really) when I was sledding when I was 13 and I have NOT gone since. But...today was the end of my sledding strike! I figured I should no longer deny my children of something that I had SOOOOOO much fun doing when I was little so away we went! We just hit the hill down the street from us but it was more than enough for the maiden voyage!

The giggles and screams of joy along with the incredible amount of laughter was so heart warming I couldn't help but feel like a complete idiot and borderline horrible mother for not taking my kids out sledding earlier. We had such an amazing time that I can't wait to do it all over again! I guess it just goes to show that we should never put our fears onto our children...they need to experience life for themselves and come to their own conclusions!

As all birthdays go in this house (because I am a birthday NUT) we always have a family get together on their ACTUAL birthday! It really is my FAVE combination...a houseful of people AND a birthday...doesn't get much better than that! The kids have so much fun together it's incredible (loud, but incredible). I am so very thankful that we all live so close together and they can see eachother often. I grew up seeing my cousins once a year (if we were lucky) so I think it's absolutely fantastic that the kids can grow up together!

All in all it was a great day and a wonderful start to another new year. I actually have a different feeling about this year, and it's a good feeling!

Happy New Year everyone!

Good Intentions

2010-08-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

I'M BACK!! I didn't realize that it had been almost 3 months since my last blog...oops!! But as the title says, the world is full of GOOD INTENTIONS! I had intended to do a massive amount of regular blogging but apparently that didn't happen. LOL...anyways, onward and upward!

Lots of stuff has been going on. Mike is now working up north and though that has been a struggle full of major adjustments we seem to have finally found a groove and all will be just fine! You do what you have to do to provide for your family and the motto that we seem to be living lately is "short term pain for long term gain". Although Mike is away for 10 days and back for 4 days, the kids won't remember the year that he worked away from them. Someone very wise told me the other day that they won't remember him being away but they will always remember him coming home every 10 days, and THAT is an unbelievable thing to see. The smiles and excitement coming out of those 3 little people when he walks through the door is very special!! So because of this major development in our lives we have yet again been faced with the "make the most of the time we have together" phrase! It's so hard to get everything done and have him spend time with us and everyone else he wants to see in the 4 days we have with him, but we always seem to have great weekends together!

If you all recall the previous blog post about the ongoing weight loss battle and my constant theme of failing miserably at it, I made myself a new goal while Mike is away...I am trying to run on the treadmill as many days as possible while he is away! Initially it was going to be every single day for the full 10 days but life happens as we all know and sometimes I miss a day! But, I am happy to announce that I have actually stuck with it and even MISS my runs if I don't get it in for the day!

You know when people always tell you that the more active you are, the more energy you have....I always thought this was a JOKE!! It didn't make sense to me...logically, if you use up for energy then naturally you would be tired....but nay nay...I have found that I FINALLY have the energy to get everything done in my day that needs to be done...and then some! I have found the energy to do things that will make ME happy which will then in turn make EVERYONE happy!! My treadmill runs have made me feel better about myself and I don't even get frustrated if I don't see massive results IMMEDIATELY (which was the major reason I would fail at any other attempt at exercise). I just enjoy unwinding while I'm running and that's really important for ME!!

Another change...if you know anything about me...I HATE CLEANING! I do it like crazy when I am expecting people to come over, but at the end of the day, I LOATHE IT. I know, I know, none of us like doing it, but you know what I mean...BUT for the past couple of weeks I have been getting stuff done around here that I have been trying to gather up the energy or the drive to do for YEARS!! It's almost like I'm nesting, but without the expecting a baby part. LOL. I have written a list of ALL things cleaning I need to get done and plan on doing one item a day or at a time and not get overwhelmed by thinking I have to finish the entire list in one day.

I think a natural thing for any parent to do is focus all of our attention on how to make sure our kids are happy and we all tend to forget that we need to focus on ourselves too sometimes, which will then contribute to everyone's happiness by improving your mental health making you a better parent and way less high strung!!

Seems easy on the outside, but it's such a hard lesson to learn! But once you figure it out, it feels SO good to accomplish even the little things!

One must have GOALS!

2010-05-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

So 5 years ago or so my sister in law Kari and I got this hair brained idea to start running...actually she probably wanted to give it a try and asked if I wanted to give it a shot also... :)

Anyways, we started taking classes and training for races and we were doing pretty darn good. But over the past few years with having 2 more babies and having a couple encounters with cancer my training and racing were pushed aside.

Months ago a few of us in the family registered for the Calgary Marathon (I in the 10 km, Mike, Josh and Rebekah in the 5 km) and had every intention to pull up our socks and train our butts off and conquer this goal that we had set out for ourselves...

Then we did NOTHING!! Ok, that's not ENTIRELY true...we had a pretty good few weeks after registering with hopping on treadmills and ellipticals but that quickly faded! LOL.

Today was race day and instead of backing out (I really wanted to) we got up at the crack of STUPID and headed down to the race. My 10 km started at 7:30 a.m. so we parked and hopped the CT train to Bridgeland! It was COLD, but turned out that it was FANTASTIC weather to run in. I would take this over the heat any day!

I managed to keep myself at a really steady pace of SLOW and jogged non-stop for the first 2 kms (which is really good for me). I remember thinking at around 5 kms "Seriously? Only half way done?" Then around 7 kms I said " I HATE 10 kms"!!! LOL.

But as I rounded the last corner I tried to bust out the last of my energy and get my butt across the finish line before passing out! I heard my name being announced and saw the medal waiting for me and it was a lovely moment. I finished slower than I would have liked but chalked it up to a successful re-entry into the running world.

Mike, Josh and Rebekah were up after I finished to embark upon their first ever 5 km race and they did so good!!! So proud of them for finishing and having such a good time! We definitely all learned that actually training for our upcoming races might be a good thing next time!

Now I am so excited to plan my next race because I have learned this week that we all must have some kind of GOALS to work towards. They help to keep us motivated (or they should) and give us something to look forward to!! Who knew running could be so much fun?? Although my opinion might change greatly when I attempt getting out of bed tomorrow morning! LOL...but it was all worth it and I am so happy that I completed it! It's the good kind of pain!

The ultimate battle...WEIGHT LOSS...Blarf!

2010-05-11T19:40:00.000-07:00

I got to thinking today that I have had this CONSTANT goal for it seems the past billion years to get in shape and lose weight! There has always been some kind of excuse like pregnancies, life's too busy, oh, another pregnancy, cancer, cancer surgery...blah blah blah!!!!! Bottom line: I can always find an excuse to NOT do something about it and can never seem to find an excuse TO do something about it. I have about a million REASONS why I would like to lose weight and get in shape but they always get pushed to the back burner.

I have to break free from all of the excuses and do something just for ME! I am a happier person when I am working out and eating well because I can be proud when I drop a pound or 2 or make it through a whole day not consuming a million calories. I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror and HATING what I see. All I see is the flaws with my entire being from the blemishes on my face and the flabby arms to the gross stomach and this in turn makes me HATE the attitude that flows from me.

One of my many issues is that I am a results kinda gal! If I am busting my butt and trying to change my exercise and eating habits then in my head I think that I should IMMEDIATELY see the results I am trying to achieve. We all know this is insane, but if I don't start seeing anything in a relatively short period of time I QUIT and call it a day!

It's too bad that our body doesn't just say "Oh, good for you, you just ate an apple, 0.25 lb off the scale NOW" or "Yay, you just walked for an entire hour at a pretty good pace so we'll take off 0.5 lb from your rather robust bottom" or "WHAT?? You made it the whole day eating well and you fit in your hour of exercise??? Well then, you get a whole POUND today"!! If only it worked that way eh?? THAT would be AWESOME!

But it doesn't so I should accept that and move on!!

Insert declaration of healthier life here...

I WILL NOT promise anyone that I will lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time because I am afraid of letting everyone down, including myself...but I will promise to try my best and make better decisions when it comes to food choices and making sure I do my walks every day at lunch.

I also joined a gym so I have a workout all set up there but that will have to wait until the girl's soccer is over to really hit that hard!

GAME ON...thanks for keeping me accountable everyone!

The Mother of all days!

2010-05-09T20:01:00.000-07:00

Today was and I guess still is Mother's Day and mine was pretty fantastic! When we woke up this morning the first thing Taylor wanted to do was give me her "surprise" from school. So she passed me her tissue papered package and a card. It was the cutest, most beautiful card ever. I couldn't help but have flashbacks of things that I made my mom over the years like glass jars covered in different types of hard pasta and then spray painted gold...LOL...ahhh, the good old days!

I opened up my present and it was a clay bowl that was glazed!! So awesome! Just seeing it gave me another flashback because I remember making my mom one of those too (and I'm pretty sure she still has it)

We then headed out to Kananaskis for a nice drive, stroll and picnic. The kids got to run around and it was so nice! The day was topped off with a lovely BBQ with some even lovely-er guests and some hockey (had to sneak the sports in there...HA). The kids are now all tucked into bed and before Rachel walked up the stairs she gave me a hug and said in this tiny voice "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" Melt my heart!

Today was one of my favourite Mother's Days!!! It wasn't centered around gifts or big extravagant events. It was nice and simple and filled my heart with so much love and joy. I am so blessed to have these 3 angels in my life and such a fantastic husband!

It was so refreshing to actually enjoy a holiday for what it is supposed to be and not have it lose its meaning by being over commercialized! I hope all of you Moms out there had a fantastic day filled with a billions special moments! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

The inside of Taylor's card!!

The day of the roaches

2010-05-07T20:16:00.000-07:00

If someone told me that I would have a daughter that was going to want to do a report on cockroaches I would have never believed it. But today our Miss Taylor stood up in front of the class and talked about the wonderful world of COCKROACHES.

The assignment: a presentation with visuals about an insect. Most kids would come up with bee, ant, butterfly, etc. But not our Taylor!! We are all about the cockroaches in this house right now.

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would ever want or need to learn about cockroaches but I now possess more information on the creepy things than I care to admit. Like did you know that cockroaches can live for a week without their head?? I know, you are all so very jealous of my newfound knowledge! LOL.

But it was awesome to see her up there in front of her class so proudly sharing her info with all of her friends. She answered all of the questions from the audience with confidence and I noticed that she has somehow managed to master the gift of "fake it til you make it"! Even though she didn't know all of the answers to the questions she sure made it sound like she did. She definitely got this trait from her Dad. HA!

Another super duper proud Mommy moment kinda day!

Cockroaches anyone?

2010-05-05T19:53:00.001-07:00

Ever since I have started doing the daily blog thing I find myself walking through my day trying to think of something to write about or when I stumble upon something, trying to remember it. So needless to say there has been a lot of thoughts going through this head, none of which I can remember! LOL

Tonight was filled with plastic cockroach hunting. Taylor is doing a report at school on insects and she chose to do the cockroach so I thought it would be cool to find some plastic cockroach looking things that we could stick to her poster board to create some 3D visual stimulation. Sounds pretty easy eh? WRONG! Turns out it was a bad idea because you can't find them ANYWHERE. We found spiders, worms and butterflies. Then we found tubes filled with farm animals, safari animals, and even insect ones but of course none of those insects even remotely looked like a cockroach. RIDICULOUS! I seem to recall seeing bags of insects practically everywhere over the past few years and now all of a sudden, not ONE store has them! Amazing how that happens. So now Taylor is going to make some of her own cockroaches out of pipe cleaners. She's such a problem solver!

As mentioned yesterday I have come down with a cold that our 2 little ones have so graciously passed on to me and this sore throat is freaking me out! It's silly I know but everytime I get sick or some kind of pain or whatnot happens in the general area of my neck I FREAK! Then the mind starts going..."oh no, is it just a cold or is it something else? Should I get it checked out or am I just being a weirdo? Uh oh it's not getting better, maybe it IS something else..." Crazy right? Well, welcome to my head!

We really are our own worst enemy sometimes...

The usual Tuesday night!

2010-05-04T22:16:00.000-07:00

NCIS night!!! That's pretty much it for exciting events for the day. I have had an insane sore throat which left me with practically no voice at work and was up all night with Rachel so I welcomed our usual Tuesday night event...NCIS followed by NCIS:LA...gotta love it!

Josh and Rebekah came over and it's just relax time in my jammies! It was a good night with great company...can't ask for much more than that! Besides of course maybe waking up in the morning fully rested with no sore throat...LOL...

I can dream can't I?

Night all!

Soccer Mom - 2010 edition begins

2010-05-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

The plan for the day was pretty straight forward...go to work, come home, get the kids to soccer, come home and get them ready for bed. Seems pretty stress free...in my head!

Today was day 1 of soccer season 2010. Mike decided to coach Taylor's team this year which is on Monday and Wednesday nights and we put Rachel in for her first year and she is on Monday nights. So, unfortunately Mike will miss out on all of Rachel's games and I will only be able to make it to half of Taylor's games, but oh well, as long as they're having fun.

I walk in the door from work and Sobey's with a chicken, salad and buns and immediately start running around trying to figure out who has been fed, who hasn't, and who doesn't want to eat. LOL. Then it was "Taylor, where are your soccer shoes?" Followed by a "I don't know, you put them somewhere", then a "Taylor, you just had them, where did you put them?".............."oh here they are, behind something" (go figure!)

Rachel is running around trying to understand why Taylor has her soccer shirt already and she doesn't and Caleb is just getting excited because he sees everyone getting their stuff on so immediately he thinks he's going somewhere...so much fun!

Auntie Rebekah had come over to watch Caleb while I ran Rachel to soccer because the weather was horrible with the impending rain and the horrible wind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I couldn't bear to leave him here when he was so excited so he came along with us...that and Rachel looked at Rebekah and said "You coming to my soccer field?" Then without giving her a chance to respond she said "Ya, you are!" Discussion ended and we were all apparently going to soccer.

Now I remember vividly going to Taylor's very first game of soccer when she was 4 and for the entire hour she stood in the middle of the field and either sulked or cried. But wouldn't move from that spot so everyone had to play around her. So tonight I asked Uncle Paul to come along for the maiden soccer game for Rachel because Mike couldn't be there and I figured that maybe he would be able to bust her out of her shell if she started to turtle like Taylor did.

So there we all were freezing in the horrible weather trying to get everyone organized with their team and their fields. Surprisingly Rachel went and joined her team at first but that was the end of the voluntary cooperation. She talked to no one and just wanted to stand there and hold onto her soccer ball. But at least she wasn't crying right?

After 20 agonizing minutes we decided to pack it in and go home. We will try again next week and hopefully the weather is a whole lot better and she won't be so shy...but it's all about the baby steps! The one thing she does love about soccer so far is her soccer jersey...and if at the end of season that's still the only thing she likes then that's ok too!!

As for Mike's coaching debut, all things seemed to go without a hitch other than all of these petite girls wearing HUGE jerseys but they ended up winning their game 2-0 so they are off to a great start!!

I had almost forgotten how crazy things are during soccer season...but it's a good kinda crazy!

Gonna give it a whirl

2010-05-02T20:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm going to try my best to make this work....the every day blog! While I was visiting with one of my super awesome friends we got to talking about our blogs and I confessed to her that the reason I don't blog all the time is because I feel like I'm depressing everyone...which isn't my intention obviously! But I do really appreciate everyone coming along on this journey with me.

So, I am going to do my best to just blog about my thoughts, feelings, life in general on a daily basis. I want to have this so my kids will have something to read and see what I went through, what they went through and what we all went through together. It will be hard for me to get myself out of the mindset that when I blog I have to write a whole novel practically but I'll give it a shot!

And game on...

Today was a pretty spectacular day...although I did FORGET to drink my coffee this morning which was devastating when I realized it was sitting unopened in our house and we were in the van on our way to church...DOH! Ah well, what can ya do?

Anyways, today was Taylor's spring concert at our church and she has been dedicated to this performance for the past few months! Every week she was always so excited for practice and couldn't wait for all of us to see her on stage. She forbid us from listening to the CD that they all received to memorize because it needed to be a surprise!! So cute! We would hear tiny bits of her singing along to the music in her room on her iPod but that was about it.

Our little Taylor never ceases to amaze us. We are so proud of her!!!! She always has this "I can do anything attitude" no matter what. I envy that about her and I'm so glad she has that spark her! When I was her age I was HORRIFIED to be a part of anything that required being in front of an audience but she wanted to sing, dance and she even auditioned for a solo part!!! That is way out of MY comfort level and I found myself being scared and nervous for her. Although she didn't get a solo she was still so excited that she was part of this play.

Today was the spring musical and she was up there smiling, grooving, singing and dancing along with the rest of those wonderfully talented children! She rocked it and I admit that I had a tear in my eye! She looked so grown up on that stage and I flashed back to memories of my little 5 pound miracle. She can't be growing up that fast can she??? Man...

On the way out of church Mike and I told her that she did great and that there was no reason to be nervous right? She just looked at us and said "Uh, I wasn't as nervous and you guys this I was you know"...well, ok then! LOL. It was such a relief to hear that!

I smiled so much today, watching the performance, watching Caleb playing peek-a-boo with people through the chairs, watching Rachel wave at Taylor because she was so excited to see her up there and my niece trying so hard to say hi to Taylor whenever she found her again on stage. We then had a GREAT family lunch and it was so awesome seeing all the kids running around together playing and having a fantastic time...I am so glad we live near family and the kids can be close.

Life is so precious and I just smiled at it all today! It felt really, really AMAZING!

Oh how He works in mysterious ways!!

2010-03-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days/weeks/months I have been, well shall we say, less than pleasant to be around...I feel so sorry for my husband, children, friends and family because WOWZERS I have been quite the individual...

I have been battling with many demons internally and I have no idea how to kick them to the curb and get on with my life. I keep telling myself that I should be the happiest person in the world...I should have a new lease on life! But...I am angry, bitter and frankly out of control. I feel like my life is spiralling wildly and I seem to be successfully alienating everyone I hold dear from me. I don't quite know how to explain it, but I have this constant feeling that I am going to run out of time so I panic when there are things that need to be done around the house, with the kids, or with my marriage and aren't done RIGHT AWAY!! Then all I want to do is cry...and cry...and cry...but I don't...I get ANGRY! I am nasty to other people when I lose my keys or forget them in my jacket in Mike's truck!!! Naturally this is HIS fault because why didn't he check my coat in his truck for my keys before he left the house...geez!!! RIDICULOUS isn't it?? Clearly something is wrong with this situation...

My main reaction to this volcanic activity is to avoid as many people as possible and try to bury my head in the sand!! Ignore, ignore, ignore and all will be right with the world...right?? WRONG!! It gets worse!! Can you believe it?? All these nasty feelings get worse...and I just want to run away!!! But unfortunately for my family I can't run away from them so they are the lucky ones who get the brunt of most of it! Sad...

I have been telling myself "seriously you stupid woman, you should be ecstatic that you made it through cancer and are still here for your family...isn't that enough for you??" So why am I feeling like this?? Why isn't the world all sunshine and roses for me?

So I was driving home tonight, just me in my Grand Caravan listening to Country 105. I then decided to switch it over to the local Christian station Shine FM and it was their Focus on the Family Sunday night show. They were just starting their interview with a woman who had a serious bout of DEPRESSION 15 years ago...as she was telling her story and describing some of her symptoms a huge light when on!!! HELLO...she was describing me and the struggles and emotions I have been going through! Maybe I should have clued in earlier!!

Oh sure I've had depressing thoughts before but things always got better...they ebb and flow. That's the nature of humanity, especially being a woman!!! It comes with the territory. But this time it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and I find now that I am starting to distance myself from a whole bunch of people and things that I would normally love to surround myself with.

Anyways, so as this lady was talking to ME on the radio I said, "Wow, what are the chances of that happening??" This thought was quickly followed by "This wasn't a coincidence", followed by an "Ok Lord, I get it and I hear you."

This lady was also talking about how she has met women with depression who have been too ashamed to admit that they have it or that they are being treated for it or were in complete denial about them even possibly being a candidate for depression. I fall into the denial portion of these women and just firmly believed that I could control it and would rise above it all once my life calmed down a bit! Ha ha ha...it will never calm down!!

I realized tonight that I may not want to admit to anyone that I have depression, but who cares?? Big whoop! I would much rather admit that I have it and that I am willing to do something about it than continue on the path that I am on now, because the person that I am looking at in the mirror everyday is NOT someone I am proud of! I want to enjoy my kids now (even when Miss Rachel is still awake looking at me from across the room on the other couch telling me that she can't go to bed because her baby's still awake!) I don't want them growing up and remembering how angry I was all the time and how miserable I seemed. We all want our children to grow up saying "Yes, I had a great childhood"!

So...first step is admitting it right? So now we have to do something about it!! Time to go and see my lovely doctor again! I can't continue to let this consume me because I am starting to not even recognize who I am anymore...and that is just not acceptable!

Week of Mondays...

2010-03-10T20:58:00.000-08:00

We all know that Mondays are usually one of the most trying days of the week and we would all rather throw our alarm clocks against the wall and hide under our covers all day long!! But we muddle through and anxiously wait for Tuesday to arrive so we can say goodbye to our brutal Monday! At least that's how I feel most Mondays...it just feels like I am walking around in a daze where there's so much happening that I don't even remotely know where to begin.

Well, my whole WEEK has been like that so far...and it's only half way done!! Good times, good times!! So, I'm really really hoping that tomorrow can actually feel like my Tuesday and not my 4th Monday!! :)

I got a phone call today from the Tom Baker cancer centre to do my last check up survey. i'm supposed to be filling them out online but since I still have major moments of just wanting to ignore all things cancer related and carry on with my life, I opt out of providing them with any feedback! Well, they called me today! So I answer all of their questions and try to get through the survey as quick as possible...I don't know if this is healthy or not but I do it anyway...makes me feel better. I just want to get on with my life!!!!!! Cancer has already taken so much away from me that I just want to push past it! They ask you questions about being depressed or anxious about anything and I can honestly say that no, I haven't felt any of that for a while now, but I am always kinda looking over my shoulder waiting for the ball to drop!! My sense of security is gone now, I just need to find a way of dealing with that. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I've always hated dealing with doctors. I never really knew why this was but now I realize it's because they are the ones that tell you bad things! You could be walking into their office for a routine checkup, you're feeling well and BAM! they have one little conversation with you and everything starts spinning around!! Now I have a whole bunch of them that I need to check in with for a very long time coming...is that karma?

Well that's my rambling for the night...!!

Breathe Again

2010-02-24T20:43:00.000-08:00

I walked to the mailbox one day to get the massive pile that had been accumulating in there (gotta love superboxes) and started sorting out Mike's mail, my mail, and junk mail. I then came across an envelope from the Foothills Hospital with my Endocrinologist's name on it...insert sinking gut feeling here...it seems that every time things start to return to a somewhat normal state, cancer comes back to slap me in the face!! Or someone associated with it....guess I should probably get OVER that eh? Trust me, I'm WORKING on it!

So me being the Queen of Avoidance decided to deal with every other piece of mail before even thinking about ripping open that envelope. But alas, even the mound of mail couldn't keep me busy FOREVER so I decided to get it over with.

I ripped open the envelope and there was the inevitable requisition form to go and have my blood taken to see what my Thyroglobulin level was (I think that's what it's called). Now this level spits back a number to the doctors that apparently is very important. Me being without a thyroid and having gone through 2 rounds of radioactiveness SHOULD have NO traceable levels in my system. So, the doctors want to see this level lower than .02 I think it is or else it means there is something still active in my body which means NOT GOOD! In between surgery 1 and surgery 2 my level came back as a 2, and low and behold there was a second tumour in my neck.

I brought the requisition to work with me and did everything in my power to avoid actually making the trip to the lab. The girls there though asked me when I was supposed to be going for more tests and I mentioned the impending requisition and they made me make an appointment for the following afternoon. I went the next day like a good little girl and was so nervous, even though I knew that I wasn't going to find anything out at the lab, I just wasn't sure if I could prepare myself for yet another "you have cancer" moment!

And then...say it with me people...WE WAIT...and WAIT....and WAIT! Finally after 2 weeks of waiting I kept trying to tell myself that no news is good news, but there hasn't really been any moments of "good news" throughout this journey so I was waiting for the ball to drop. I had to refill my thyroid prescription so I decided to e-mail my doc and ask him if about my results and if I needed a different dose of meds.

Last Thursday I sent him a message and this afternoon I opened up my e-mail and there was his name...insert gut wrenching, almost going to throw up feeling here...I reluctantly opened it and he said, Hi Tracy, Perfect Results and same dose! Have a great day!

WHAT? Where's the bad news? Re-read the message. Could it be...???? Re-read the message. Seriously???

The room is spinning at this point and I honestly had to read his message about 10 times! For the FIRST time since my diagnosis on June 30th, 2008 I could breathe...and there wasn't a dull ache in the background!! It felt like there was the weight of the world lifted off of my chest and I saw the world in a new way! I don't even know how to explain it...I wanted to LAUGH, CRY, SCREAM, JUMP, FALL TO THE GROUND, and HUG everyone I saw! My heart would race and then slow down and then I would get almost giddy with happiness!! All I kept saying to myself was THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! In my mind I was thanking my doctor for sending me that e-mail, thanking my friends and family for all of the love and support and most of all thanking GOD for being with me every step of the way!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS EVERYONE??? I just want to yell from the rooftops! If I was on Oprah I would be pulling a Tom Cruise and jumping on her couch! THAT is how happy I am!!

Today (like every day) was an amazing blessing!!

I will still have to do routine tests and scans for the next few years but I feel so much stronger right now and that will help me get through those!!

March 2009...and a few months later...

2010-01-10T19:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, I'm going to try my best to recollect all of the happenings after surgery #1, so hopefully it doesn't sound too scatterbrained...

After my surgery I had to obviously start taking my thyroid medication, calcium and pain meds...talk about a cocktail of fun! I found myself VERY tired and was having a hard time letting Deb help me out with everything around the house and the kids. I felt very guilty but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't live over 10 pounds and it's absolutely AMAZING how many neck muscles you use in daily activities...OUCH!! So, what could I do but sit back and let people help me out...HUGE internal power struggle!!!

I was paranoid of letting my kids see my scar, of what they would say, of them being afraid to be near me, and of what others would think...I know it sounds silly but all I kept saying to myself was, I hope no one thinks that someone tried to kill me...stupid internal thoughts!

I had a check-up with my team of doctors over the next few months and my surgeon said I was healing well and needed to go for another ultrasound to check and make sure nothing else was going on in my neck. I was told by his 'lovely' receptionist that she would make an appointment for me...so I waited...and I waited...finally a couple weeks later and hearing NOTHING I called her back and became her worst nightmare. This woman continuously dropped the ball with scheduling any of my appointments and it was so frustrating. Wasn't I going through enough without having to deal with stupid people??????????????????? Anywhoo...

I finally got my ultrasound scheduled and it was so nerve wracking!! I started to cry as soon as I laid on the table. It was horrifying!! The poor ultrasound tech didn't know what to do with herself...and then she found something...I kept my eyes closed for the entire procedure because I just had this feeling that this was going to come up with bad news...

She asked me when my surgery was and then left the room to review the pics with a doctor....then the doctor comes in and says he wants to take a look...GREAT! So much for the "hey, you're good to go" that I was hoping for. So, I lay back down and he takes another look. He then informs me that because it had only been a couple months since my surgery it could very well be scar tissue and that they were going to have to get a biopsy to confirm.

I know he was trying to ease my mind but I just KNEW something wasn't right! At this point I was crying again and they passed me some kleenex, said their goodbyes, wished me luck and left the room...then I wait...again...this waiting this is seriously getting old!

I eventually get the phonecall from my surgeon's office saying that they need to get me in to do an ultrasound guided biopsy just to make sure they don't miss the lump because this one was a lot smaller than the one they had previously taken out. I now have to wait for the 'lovely' receptionist to make me another appointment...I must have chased her around on the phone FOREVER and this woman had every excuse for not being able to get me in for a biopsy! HELLOOOOOOOO, I've already gone through cancer lady so do you think you could get a move on it considering I have a very REAL feeling that it's still in there growing!!!!

After much persuasion (because I hated to go asking for information I really didn't want to know) by my faithful CC (cancer companion) Deb we got in touch with our nurse friend at our doctor's office and told her about the crazy issues we were having trying to line up a biopsy. They then worked their magic, tried contacting the 'lovely' receptionist and had just as much luck as I did so they just went ahead and got me booked in at the women's centre over by mount royal...now was THAT so hard??? UNBELIEVABLE!!

The biopsy day came and I do believe that it's now May (that's right, it took 2 months to get an appointment) and off I went...reluctantly...and without eating that day or sleeping the night before...as per usual! I definitely have this pre-appointment ritual down pat! The staff there are amazing but I would have much rathered getting a splinter pulled out of my rear end than be there so another group of people could look at me with those "I'm sorry" eyes...ok, here we go. Ultrasound begins, doctor comes in and tells me what she's going to do to me and that I will be sore for a little while and away we went...they numb the area but they have to stick a needle in you 3 different times in different areas of the tumour and while they are in there they shove it back and forth in a stabbing motion...good times eh??

I walk out of the clinic and have a list of people that want me to call them to let them know how it went but that's the LAST thing I want to do...why do I have to keep talking about this?? Driving me crazy!!! But I do it anyway because I know everyone would worry even more if I didn't but I'm sure I'm less than pleasant.

So, that's now over with, my neck is bandaged and really sore and guess what?? Say it with me people...now we....WAIT...for the impending phonecall....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

2010-01-04T20:36:00.001-08:00

I wish everyone the very best year!!!

Full of laughter, love, forgiveness, respect and HEALTH! I have nothing but positive thoughts for this year and I'm trying my hardest to not freak out about any upcoming tests, scans or bloodwork that will have to be done and just live in the moment! Live in the moment...huh...it's so easy to say, talk about or preach to someone else to do it, but can be sooooooo hard to actually DO.

We are all programmed to worry, plan, and prepare for the future and try our best to control our future...but sometimes we need to learn how to hand over the reigns, realize that we CAN'T control everything and try to enjoy every bit of this life that we have been blessed with.

Like I said, I realize it's easier said than done and I STRUGGLE with this on a daily basis. It's so easy to sweat the small stuff and get all mad when something happens outside of your comfort zone, but whether it be good or bad, there's not much we can do about it in the end...SCREAM, YELL, LAUGH, CRY...do what you need to do to help you get through it all!!

I got an e-mail from someone today that had a bunch of different quotes in it and a few of them stuck with me like:

Life may not always be fair, but it's always good!

It's OK to be mad with God, he can take it!

Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.

Just some little tidbits to ponder...and I PROMISE that I will continue my story tomorrow...up next the GONG show that happened between surgery number 1 and surgery number 2! Stay tuned!!

Reconnecting

2009-12-23T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hello my old friend...it seems like FOREVER since I've been on here...and to tell you the honest truth, I can feel it! I mean when I first started this blog I didn't really think it would change me in any way. In my mind I was just telling my story, but wow, I now realize after being MIA for a while that I need to be doing this, for my sanity!! It's weird because I usually HATE talking about my cancer because it makes it TOO REAL. I would much rather just breeze through life acting like nothing ever happened and never speak of it again...but I know that's not healthy. It DID happen and I NEED to have feelings about it and I need to get them out.

So, this is me just touching base. I have been at work for the past 3 weeks and it has been INSANE to say the least!! Everyone seems to be adjusting well. Rachel is having the hardest time but thankfully they all LOVE our nanny so that makes it so much easier! We are blessed to have such a wonderful addition to our family in our nanny! It's like she's been here for so much longer than 3 weeks!!

Lucky you guys, you get to read my ramblings a little while longer....bwahahahaha!! Most of the time I think I'm just boring everyone that reads this which has resulted in many many internal dialogues about whether I just fill you all in from this point forward or go back and give you all the details of this crazy journey. The more I tried to convince myself to just ignore what I haven't shared with you, the more I realized that I still have to lay out all the items, boring or not. I have a TON of feelings I am still trying to sort through and I won't move past this if I'm not honest with myself about what's happened, so YOU, you fortunate bunch, get to hear (or read) it all...

But right now I have to wrap more presents...LOL...I'm seriously running out of time!!

HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVE EVE!!!

HI HO HI HO...

2009-11-29T21:03:00.000-08:00

It's back to work I go...

After 13.5 months of amazingly awesome highs and turbulent lows I am looking forward to getting back at it. I feel like I am a different person now with changed views on life, a shift in priorities and a renewed sense of values.

Of course I am going to miss my wonderful kids. They make me smile when I wake up and I can't help but giggle at all the silly sounds they make, the faces they give me and the phrases that come out of their mouths...but right now I think this is a good step for me! I have also made some incredible friends this past year...friends that have been there for me as if I've known them for my whole life and I will seriously miss the coffee, the playdates and the chit chat! These moments have meant so much to me!

I do realize however that once I have to wake up at an unbelievably unreal time and spend a day on transit I might not be so eager to be part of the working world again...LOL!

I keep thinking this will make everything go back to "normal" but I don't even know what normal is anymore. MY normal doesn't exist...and I am trying desperately to adjust to MY NEW NORMAL! I have always been the person who seriously dislikes doctors and now they are going to be a constant in my life...and it never gets any easier!

But for now I am going to re-join the rat race and try to make the best of it and enjoy the ride!

Just to let you all know...so far I haven't heard anything about the results from my whole body scan, so right now I'm taking it as no news is good news! I also have a follow-up appointment with my surgeon on Friday Dec. 4th so I will be sure to keep you all posted on what goes on there!!

Way less radioactive girl signing out...

HOME SWEET HOME!

2009-11-25T19:37:00.001-08:00

I came home today at lunchtime and Taylor was in school of course and Rachel and Caleb were sleeping so it was perfect! They would be totally surprised when they woke up.Rachel woke up not too long after I got home so I went upstairs and met her at the top of the stairs...she just looked at me...then I tried talking to her...and she just looked at me...so funny! Eventually when she woke up she was all smiles and gave me a big hug. Then it was like I had never left.

Our nanny showed up at around 1:00 p.m. to see how our afternoon routine goes to better prepare herself for Monday. Thankfully Deb made a very detailed list of snacks and their locations, and instructions for bottles, etc. for the many babysitters we had this week so I also gave it to our nanny which she thought was very helpful! THANKS DEB!!

Caleb woke up next and I walked into his room and he looked at me through the bars in his crib...and his eyes got HUGE...and then he cried, and just reached out for me. He's so sensitive! Then it was hugs, smiles and drooly kisses!!

We walked to go and get Taylor from school and she didn't recognize it was actually me until she was practically right in front of me, then she just looked at me, gave me a massive hug and said, "I missed you Mommy". Shortly after we walked in the house from school Rachel busted out one of her famous temper tantrums and was sent to her room where she continued to put quite the show...EPIC!

Ahhhhhhh...GOOD TO BE HOME!!

Scan Day

2009-11-24T21:37:00.001-08:00

The night before any type of test, procedure, treatment or even follow up appointment I get that uneasy feeling in my stomach and don't rest and can't seem to turn my mind off. Mike now knows the routine of me not eating in the morning of the appointment and pretty much not talking the entire way to the hospital...it's just how I roll.

A very wise person once told me that I need to wake up each morning and get used to my new "normal", but I guess I still need to work on that, because each time one of these "routine" events happen, I still fight with myself to just get there.

This morning was my body scan. I check into the nuclear medicine department at the Foothills hospital and wait for them to call my name. Thankfully Mike was able to come with me. Just knowing that I have someone in the waiting room for me afterwards makes a world of difference. So, I go in, lay on the bed and lie very still for about 35 minutes while this big camera goes over me from head to toe compiling a picture of my body in little tiny dots.

Of course they can't tell me anything so I get off the bed, they go and check to make sure there's nothing else they need to take a closer look at and then I'm on my way. Thankfully they gave me the go ahead without having to take any more pics so I take that as a good sign!!

The radioactive measurement man then came in and had to see how radioactive I still was and if I could go home to my children. He was actually very surprised that I had gotten rid of so much of it out of my system already. He then informed me that our children are actually exposed to 1000 times more radiation than I was putting off just by living in Calgary for a year...interesting...along with kinda disturbing.

The bottom line...IF I did go home to my kids then I would have to make sure that they don't lay on me to watch TV or anything for a long period of time and under no circumstances can any of them crawl into bed with us in the middle of the night and stay there...unless they slept with Mike in between so that he could absorb any of the radiation I may be putting off...LOL..lucky guy eh? He also said not to withhold any affection if they need me, but don't go looking for it from them or encourage it for another 5 days or so...hmmm???

Ok, so now we are faced with a decision. I was seriously torn because of the above issues and who knows how they are going to react when I walk in the door. They may just want a quick hug and then carry on with their day, or they could want me to hold them for 2 hours straight snuggling right up to me which was a NO NO!! But with me going back to work in 6 days I really want and need to spend as much time with them as I can.

Decision...decided to stay away another night, get a decent night's sleep and go back home around noon and just deal with it as it comes. I may not be able to cuddle them for hours on end, but at least they will be near me and I near them! They are resilient little beings that's for sure and have handled the past 8 days like troopers!!

THANK YOU to everyone who has banded together to help us out during this. Of course my wonderful mother in law Deb has been amazing as always and has never hesitated to drop things and pretty much halt her entire life to give us a hand. We are forever indebted to this fantastic lady and love her more than we could possibly express!!

All of the friends and family that have offered meals and babysitting...your kindness will never ever be forgotten and you are so very appreciated!

Thanks to all of my visitors and my SIDEKICKS...you have made being radioactive way more tolerable simply by being around me. Love you all so much...even if you don't feel the happy vibes all the time!! You all didn't have to do the things you did but I am so thankful for the love and the laughter!

Tomorrow...I GET TO SEE MY FAMILY!!!!!!! WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

ANGER

2009-11-22T21:11:00.000-08:00

I figured since I was feeling a little feisty today that I would blog about this particular emotion. I definitely appreciate all the feedback that I have been getting as I document my journey but I need to make something very clear...and I know it is probably quite obvious to everyone but during the past 18 months I have had serious moments of extreme ANGER!!!

Anger so raw that I just want to punch my fist through a wall or SCREAM at the top of my lungs...some days I feel like I'm doing so good and then the next day anger will almost consume me!

I remember Mike and I putting the kids to bed one night and then I decided to go to the mailbox to get our mail. When I was walking back up the steps to our door I caught my foot on the top step and I went down...HARD...smacking my head on the corner of the bricks that line our door and I just sat there and cried. Mike came to my rescue like my knight in shining armour and brought me inside. I then proceeded to open the mail after I got some ice on the growing horn on my head. Among the many envelopes in the mail was one from the hospital. Without thinking about what it could be I opened it up and noticed that it was the pamphlet explaining my second surgery. Now this pamphlet was complete with pictures of possible incision sites and I FREAKED out!!! That was the last straw for that day... I just sat down and cried.

Mike came and knelt in front of me, put his hands on my lap and I just yelled "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME"??? WHY????????? I was sooooooooo angry...at the situation, at the cancer, at the doctors, at God...everyone was on my hit list!!! It just wasn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!!! But Mike stayed by my side and just let me cry and get mad...exactly what I needed!!

Another moment was when I was talking to Deb about everything that was going on and I realized that she was freaked out about a few things and just knowing that people were just as scared as I was SCARED the absolute crap out of me...so here came the anger...I just yelled at her "YES, I AM ANGRY...I AM FURIOUS THAT THIS IS GOING ON, BUT I NEED EVERYONE AROUND ME TO TELL ME AND TRULY BELIEVE THAT I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS"!!

Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong and a hero and you know, everyone in my life that I have ever encountered that has gone through cancer I have felt the exact same way about them, but for some reason most of the time I don't feel very strong and I sure as heck don't feel like a hero! But just hearing it from all of you makes me gain a little bit of my strength back when I get so exhausted I don't know what to do with myself!!

So as I sit here being Radioactive Girl away from my family once AGAIN because of this stupid cancer I am reminded just how UNFAIR this all is. When my kids are talking to me on the phone crying for me to hug them and I can't...UNFAIR!! Or telling me over and over again how much they miss me and I can't go to them...UNFAIR!! Not being able to hug or kiss anyone goodnight...UNFAIR!!

You know, it's a wonder people stick around and deal with all my junk!! But man oh man, am I ever glad they do!! Or else who knows where I would be...

THANK YOU!!

Be careful what you wish for...

2009-11-19T21:55:00.000-08:00

LOL...you know, as a parent sometimes you just wish for 30 minutes to yourself and you hope and pray for those moments...and then you find yourself having time away from your kids for an entire week and all you want is them...we are never happy are we??

Although it would probably be different if I were lounging on a beach somewhere and not in a house alone typing on the computer with latex gloves on!!

Today along with yesterday was a whole lotta nothing really. Oh, but I had a wonderful lunch delivery today so I got to enjoy a chicken quesadilla!! YUMMMM!!

I watched some TV and got caught up on all of my soaps, e-mailed a few people, talked on the phone and anxiously awaited Mike to come over so we could watch Stargate. I know, the fun never ends here people!!

Oh, and just so you can all put the question to rest...no, I don't glow in the dark and my pee isn't glowing either...although I wonder if it would if I had a black light? LOL...anywhoo...that's all that's going on here!!!

Fast Forward

2009-11-18T19:05:00.000-08:00

So I know that I'm not up to date with the rest of my journey but I really wanted to start a daily log while going through this next phase so I will give you guys the goods on the rest of the past year and a half in a little while...

After surgery thyroid cancer patients then go through this procedure called Radioactive Iodine Therapy...it's usually about 6 to 8 weeks after the surgery. The first time I had it done (January 2009) I went to the hospital and watched a video of what was going to happen, waited for my room mate to arrive, found out that my pregnancy test came back 'not negative enough'...didn't realize that could happen. This prolonged the actual procedure but eventually we got it underway.

Fast forward to yesterday....At 10:30 a.m. I drove myself to the hospital after kissing my babies goodbye and tried to check in. They didn't have any record of me having any kind of procedure so I had to go down to nuclear medicine and ask them. They had me on their list as already being there..hmmm...nope, cause HERE I AM!! Back up to admitting and try this again. Finally they get me all checked in and I go up to my unit. Once I got my room (by myself this time) I sit and wait for more a lab tech to come and collect more blood. Finally around 1:00 p.m. my lovely nurses come in and prep me for the "drink". Then I found out that my preg test came back again as "not negative enough". SERIOUSLY?? I then had to convince them that there was NO way I was pregnant so they would not stall the procedure.

I then have to sit down in a chair covered in plastic bags and put a bib on while one of the techs takes out a lead container (that's reassuring) containing the radioactive liquid that I have to suck through a straw. It's only about a mL of liquid but it definitely doesn't taste very good. Burnt almonds is what it is...but worse...if that makes sense! Once I drink it, they leave quickly and I am left by myself with occasional check-ins from a head that pokes in the door saying "how are ya hun"?

The radioactive iodine goes through my body and clings to any extra cells that may be hanging around that may cause some more cancer and hopefully gets rid of them. Sitting in a hospital room by yourself for 24 hours with little to no contact with even nurses makes one think...A LOT!!

I was flipping through the channels on my TV and found myself stopping at things like SportsNet and Treehouse or Family channel. These are all channels that are usually on at my house, but I'm not the one watching them. But it made me feel closer to my family just watching them. I remember thinking last night...I bet Mike is watching the sports updates right now, so I watched some of them too...even though they meant NOTHING to me. I watched NCIS as per weekly ritual and was comforted with the thought of Mike, Deb, Rebekah, Joshua and my good friend Kathy all watching it with me...in other houses of course.

While my thoughts were going all over the place I really realized that even though there are little quirks that can sometimes be irritating about spouses and children, these were the same little quirks that were making me smile while sitting in the hospital. Man, I missed them!! I think this time around was going to be harder than the last time...maybe because the kids are older and they can sense my absense more now and that really upsets me.

Here's my final thought that I took away from my night of loneliness...sit alone in a room and just think about life...think about your partner, your kids, your friends...then write down the things that make you smile about these people and about what you absolutely love about them...then when you feel overwhelmed with life's situations or people in general you can pick up your notebook and read what you wrote...it will take you back to a happy place and really make you appreciate even the moments and quirks that you don't usually embrace.

Night all...thanks for being here for me!!

Surgery #1

2009-11-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

So November 24th, 2008 was fast approaching and I was starting to get a little antsy. I remember going to bed the night before and not really being able to sleep. I tossed and turned, said a prayer or two (or a hundred) and then when I finally had to get up and leave I just kept saying "I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go". Can't it just go away on its own? Ha!! If only...

We get to the hospital and do all the preliminary stuff...check in, dress in flattering gown, hat and slippers, walk down to the OR where your team is waiting to put you to sleep...gulp...it's just routine right? They will go in there, remove cancer and thyroid, close me up, I go home in 2-3 days right??

That was the plan, but my 2 hour ROUTINE surgery turned into a 4 hour surgery and then when I came to they told me that the cancer had wrapped itself so tightly around my vocal chords that they had to scrape at them for a lot longer than they had anticipated so they might be shocked for a while. My throat hurt and I wasn't talking very well. My brother in law Josh actually told me later on that I sounded like Michael Jackson...great...! The doc said my voice should be back to normal within a few weeks...

I was horrified to look at myself in the mirror because I had visions in my mind of this horrible scar, but was pleasantly surprised when I finally got up the courage. That's not so bad I thought. It was super swollen but once that went down it would look pretty decent. PHEW!! But if the cancer was gone then it was totally worth it! Scars will fade, scars will fade...

I was really really looking forward to only staying in the hospital for a couple days and then going home to my babies. But that didn't happen...my calcium levels weren't staying where they should have been due to the fact that they had to remove 2 of my parathyroid glands and we had to wait for the other 2 glands to kick in and keep my calcium up. So, they put me on ridiculous amounts of pills and vitamin D to see if that would work...NOPE!

Minutes, hours, and DAYS passed and I was still in the hospital. Nurses were constantly in my room checking vitals and tapping my face looking for twitches which indicate calcium deficiency and when I twitched WOW, it was like it was Christmas for those girls. LOL. I was quickly becoming a local hospital celebrity! I came in known as the young mom who was diagnosed with cancer while pregnant...and I was now being flagged as the Calcium Deficient girl!! I remember waking up in the middle of the night one night with a panicky feeling and my fingers, feet and lips were tingling like nobody's business. I called for the nurses to come in and they tested my calcium again and it was at a dangerous level. Apparently you can go into seizures due to lack of calcium...who knew?? NOT ME!! I was at the dangerous seizure level and had to get hooked up to a calcium infusion through my IV.

Just when I thought I was dealing with enough on my plate, a couple of days after my surgery my surgeon came into my room to tell me that the pathology of my tumor came back and apparently the type of cancer I had was a tall cell variant of papillary thyroid cancer and may require a more aggressive treatment...the room started spinning again...WHAT?? This is getting worse?? I thought this was supposed to be ROUTINE??

When the surgical team left my room I grabbed my laptop and googled (bad idea people). I freaked out and called Mike and him and Deb came to my rescue once again to calm me down. In my mind all I could think of was "I'm going to die". Panic was setting in and I couldn't stop crying!! How many more tears can I possibly shed? It was becoming exhausting! Eventually I went to sleep and tried to push all negativity out of my mind...that didn't happen.

Between the calcium issue and now this different variant of cancer I was now peaking the interest of the grand poobah of Endocrinologists. I had heard his name floating around between doctors and nurses and finally he came into my room with a big smile and says to me "so you're the one causing all the problems". EXCELLENT bedside manner! He eased my mind more than anyone about what was going on and told me that I was now officially one of his patients and he was going to take care of me. Listening to this guy talk to his students was like watching an episode of House! It was awesome. He would stand outside my door and throw scenarios out at them and want quick responses and it was pretty entertaining listening to them scramble for th right answer! The nurses told me that I was very lucky to have him in my court so that was very reassuring!!

Next day I saw one of the surgeons again and I told him that they had freaked me out the day before. He apologized and told me that they didn't mean to do that and that my survival rate was still really really good. It just means that it MAY need additional treatment...OK, back to breathing...!

My kids...I couldn't wait to see them but was also afraid of what they were going to think about Mommy's scar and being hooked up to machines. Of course they were apprehensive about touching me when they saw me and that broke my heart. It was like Rachel was looking at me like I was a stranger...but I told them I was ok and that I would be home soon. To this day if Rachel sees a hospital she will say "Mommy, hospital, doctor...OWWEEEE"! Mike would bring Caleb in to see me so I could still have some one on one time with him since I was feeling like the WORST mother ever not being with my newborn baby. The nurses were in love with him and would give Mike "the look" if he dared walk into the unit without a baby seat. Too funny. I did have the best nurses.

My blood was taken at least twice a day to check calcium levels and everytime the results came back we were all hoping for good news. I was in the hospital for 8 days when they finally said they were going to send me home even though I was only at the bottom level of OK for calcium. Good enough for me...I'm outta here. They send me home with calcium supplements up the ying yang and told me that if I started to tingle to get back to the hospital.

I was packed and ready so fast and then of course had to wait forever for the doctor's to do their rounds and discharge me. Then my wonderful brother in law Paul came to get me and take me home to recover....

(I apologize for the length of some of these posts, I am just trying to catch up with a lot of the major stuff so I can move onto more recent things)

Big News for Little People

2009-11-11T21:01:00.000-08:00

We knew we had to tell Taylor about the cancer because she was obviously at the age where she would know that something was going on. She's also too smart for her own good and there would be no blowing this by her!!

I remember it being shortly after she did the Terry Fox run at school. She had also written a letter about him in school and had been telling us about it and how he died of his cancer. I thought to myself, GREAT!! How do I reassure her that I'M going to be fine when she has just learned about Terry Fox!! Talk about bad timing!!

So I tried to use it as more of a teaching tool since she had already had some kind of cancer background in her head. I remember being terrified to tell her anything and was worried about how it was going to come out. NO child should have to deal with something like this. It's tough enough going through life as it is but having to worry about a parent being sick is just not right!!

I told her that Mommy was going to be going back into the hospital after the baby was born so that the doctors could get some bad stuff out of her neck. I briefly explained that while I did have cancer (like Terry Fox), it was a very different kind of cancer and there were lots of things the doctors could do to help me.

She looked at me and said, OK....... WOW, I love kids! It may have taken a while to sink into her but for now she was just dealing with it in her own way. I then asked her if she had any questions and she said NO. Then I told her that if she ever had anything she needed to talk about she could talk to me no problem. OK Mommy....

I couldn't even imagine what her little mind was going through. I didn't even know how to process the whole thing and I am an adult...I would have loved to know EXACTLY what was happening in that little mind of hers.

So, time went on and of course there were moments of acting out on her part...and mine! Whether or not it had to do with the stress I was under, or the stress she was feeling, or a combination of both. Or maybe she was just being a kid going through regular tantrums and I was reading more into it who knows.

Maybe I expected her to be more devastated about it like I was, or maybe the lack of knowledge that kids have on subjects like this is indeed a blessing. Now I just need to keep things like GOOGLE away from her. HA!!

One day she did come up to me, looked at me and asked the one question that I had been dreading... Mommy, are you going to die?

OUCH!! What do you do with that?? I guess I could have said something like "Well honey, we are all going to die eventually", but that would have been a cop out and not what she was talking about and I knew it.

So, I did what any mother would do to protect her child from any more worry and hurt and told her in my most convincing voice, "No honey, Mommy is not going to die from this"...then gave her a huge hug, she smiled at me and I smiled at her, then I went upstairs and cried...because to tell you the truth, at the time I didn't even really believe what I had just said...

Children are amazing little creatures and I learn more and more about life through their eyes every single day. Their faith and trust is remarkable!!!

I LOVE my kids but...

2009-11-05T21:46:00.000-08:00

I HATE POTTY TRAINING!!!

So, we are going to take a break from the cancer talk for a second because I needed to share part of my mothering journey with everyone. That and I seem to be making a lot of people cry so I figured it was time for a lighter story. LOL...sorry about the tears everyone, that is definitely not my intention!! But I am so flattered that everyone is actually reading my random thoughts!!!

Ok, back to the woes of potty training. I know you have all been there and we could all talk about the endless stories of stubborn children but I think I have met the Queen bee of stubborness and her name is RACHEL!!!

I figured I would leave it up to her to let me know when she was ready to be trained because we went through 2 years of insanely frustrating training with Taylor so I swore that I wouldn't go through that again, or put any of my kids through it. But, since she just turned 3 in October and was displaying NO signs whatsoever of wanting or needing be trained I started to encourage the thought. Up to this point she was having moments of even changing herself instead of deciding to do her business in the toilet. We have tried smarties, stickers, you name it!! STUBBORN!!!

We were going pretty hardcore when all of a sudden I realized that she had gone almost an entire day without peeing...hmmmm, I said to myself...that can't be good. Then I thought of the last time she had done number 2 and realized that it had been at least a couple of days. Well, she started to complain when she sat down of pain so I took her to the hospital. We sat in the waiting room for 5 hours with all of the flu patients (good times). She tried her hardest to go to the bathroom but with no luck. So, we finally get into the doctor and he says he has to give her an enema and asked me what has changed in the past little bit. I say nothing really, just us trying to train her.

I have always heard of children taking control into their own hands when it comes to potty training and deciding to just NOT go but I never in a million years thought it would happen to one of my kids. Although if any of you know me or how I was when I was younger I guess it really shouldn't have surprised me. My lovely 3 year old had decided to withhold her bodily functions to apparently take a stand against me and my potty training attempts...again, good times!

I have NEVER experienced an enema myself so I couldn't imagine what her poor body went through but I have never heard her make that sound in her life...I can look back on it now and smile about it but at the time, it was NOT COOL!!

So, they clear her out and send us on our way. The doc tells me to keep her full of fibre so she won't have any other choice but to go. But my stubborn little girl sure showed him and his theory. I was pumping her so full of fruit and everything else I could think of that it was unbelievable...and NOTHING!! She was so terrified from her ordeal at the hospital she kept holding it for another 4 days...grrrrr!!! But man, was she ever proud of herself for peeing in the potty, but the other duty was out of the question!!!

After calling the HealthLink we decide to give her mineral oil and that finally did something...but only once...and she was back to holding it!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? So, I hit the wal-mart pharmacy and ask the pharmacist for her opinion. She gives me Colace and tells me GOOD LUCK!! Ha!! Thanks!

Now we are trying to pump her full of stool softener on top of her water and fruit and other goodies. NOTHING!!! She holds it for another 4 days which is when Daddy makes the threat...if you don't poop by the time I get home from work, we are going back to the hospital and they will give you more medicine! This was followed by a NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This morning I had an appointment so Auntie Kari kindly came over to watch the kids and when I came home she happily told me that Rachel did her business!!!! AMEN!!! She must have realized that it was a GOOD thing to do this because she did it on her own again tonight...but this time IN the potty!!! WHOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!

Sorry if this was too much info but this adventure has boggled my mind and now it seems like we may have conquered the potty training with the most stubborn child of the century!!! Just had to share!! LOL

One Year Ago...

2009-11-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

I was waiting in the hospital for my C-section to meet our new little man!! I was CONVINCED that the ultrasound tech was wrong and he was going to come out a girl and we all got a good laugh at that in the operating room when they were prepping me. Like the nurses said, it definitely wouldn't have been the first time it happened!

But at 1:14 p.m. on Sunday Nov. 2nd 2008 Caleb Bennett Ferguson made his grand entrance. (Insert massive amounts of tears here) Mike got some pretty sweet pics which may disturb some viewers of them pulling him out of my abdomen but it was kinda neat that the doc let him take them.

What an amazing moment. I just wanted to hold him and kiss him. It had already felt like we had been through so much together. He was my angel. The reason I went to the doctor and the reason they found the cancer. I don't quite know how to explain it, for there were no words to describe our journey. He made it all OK for a while. I totally forgot about the cancer and was just in awe of him.

I am amazed at how fast this year has gone by and how much he has grown and changed. I wish I could keep all my kids small (minus the temper tantrums of course) and today is especially hard for me because my BABY (I mean it this time...no more kids for us) is ONE and we will never experience the baby moments again. So, although I am excited that Caleb is learning new things everyday and becoming his own little person I am also sad for the very same reasons. Maybe it's because I feel like I missed large chunks of the past year with him and life seems to go by faster with each child you have. I guess this is just another reason why we all have to cherish all the time we have with these little reflections of ourselves because before we know it, they will be all grown up!

Happy Birthday my little man, you are such a joy to have and be around. You are the smiliest kid I have ever met and so loving. Thank you for being part of our family and for letting all of us love you!!!

Everything happens for a reason and everyone is here for a reason. I firmly BELIEVE that.

Next...

2009-10-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

So what does one do with all that information?? I am going to be completely honest with you and say PRAY (after I googled the heck out of thyroid cancer)!! You pray and you pray and you pray...I don't care what anyone believes in, when your world is crumbling around you, it's amazing how you immediately call out to God to help you! The amazing sense of relief is unbelievable! Not immediate, but eventually it was like a suffocating weight was lifted off of me.

I am a Christian, definitely not the best one at times but I have my good moments and bad. I didn't know who else to turn to and was lead to just talk to Him. I found a book online called Praying Through Cancer and walked to the book store on one of my lunch hours to pick it up. There was only one copy left. It's an amazing book written by women who have been through all types of cancer and they GOT what I was going through. All the pains, frustrations, emotions, feelings...it was nice to read and know that I wasn't alone.

The stats of this cancer are really very promising but if I had to hear anyone say, well if you were to pick a cancer off the list, this would be the one I was going to SCREAM! Cancer SUCKS no matter what kind it is!!

I learned very quickly that there's something called TOO MUCH INFORMATION! So I vowed to myself NOT to google anymore and just make it through this journey without all the statistics and scenarios of things that may or may not happen. That is enough to drive you INSANE!!

I had to focus on my family and my pregnancy and keep as positive as possible. I had to try not to let the cancer define me and who I was. I needed to enjoy every moment with my kids, husband and this new little man inside me. Every time I looked at my children or watched them play I would cry. I couldn't imagine not being here to see them go through life.

So, what was the next step? Because I was so far along in my pregnancy, it was no longer safe to operate on me so I had no choice but to wait until he was born. Trust me, the thought of this nasty tumor growing in me for another 4 months was an absolute nightmare, but I had to push the cancer to the back burner of my brain and live my life, as normally as I could. I could not let it consume me!!! So, they scheduled a c-section for me so that my cancer team to already have me booked for my thyroidectomy.

November 24th, 2008...surgery day booked!

June 30th, 2008

2009-10-19T20:45:00.000-07:00

That date will forever be engrained in my mind and is a new anniversary, whether I want it to be or not...

I walked into my follow up appointment nervous but still in a relatively good mood, mainly because Mike and I had found out the Friday before that this little person I was carrying was a boy!!! I very excitedly told a very fabulous nurse our news and she gave me a hug and led me and my Mother In Law (AKA cancer companion) into our room.

Then my doctor came in the room...my ever smiley doctor wasn't so very smiley and I think the word I used to describe him was ominous. He apologized and then looked at me. I knew then and there that the next words that were going to come out of his mouth were:

YOU HAVE CANCER...

...BAM!! BANG!! POW!!! Just like a cheesey re-run of the original Batman TV show. Uhh, ok...now what?? First things first...CRY CRY CRY...followed by a "NOW WHAT?". This didn't fit into my life plan!! I really really wanted to be one of those people that just looked the doctor square in the face and calmly say "All right, let's just deal with it. What do I need to do?" But it turns out, it's just not that easy!

I quickly came to realize that no matter how prepared you THINK you are for certain things, some things you just CAN'T prep for. I used to think that if someone were ever to give me awful news about myself, my children or husband I would just pass out or get violently ill. It's actually amazing how your body protects you when it needs to. My body protected me physically but it was my mind that was a runaway train!

Nothing made sense...in an instant EVERYTHING changed. Why was this happening? Why would God bless me with this precious little baby that I was carrying and then hit me with something like this? Surely this CAN'T be happening. How am I going to tell Taylor? She's only 6, she shouldn't have to deal with this! What if I'm not around for my kids to remember me? What would people tell them about me? Would they just know me from pictures? Would Mike re-marry and would the kids eventually call her Mom? Many of you are probably thinking WOAH WOAH WOAH...why are you thinking about all that? But my life along with my future literally flashed before me and it felt like I had to prepare for it all right away!!

All of these questions and many many more went through my head in a nano second and it was all very overwhelming. I don't even remember asking any more questions, I just stared off into space and listened sort of to my doctor trying to talk to us about it all. I remember hearing Papillary Thyroid Cancer...blah blah blah...treatable...blah blah blah...surgery...blah blah blah...

Then I think we sat there for a little while longer, eventually leaving in a foggy hazy state. I got intO Deb's jeep because she wouldn't let me drive (good call) and we were on our way to her house. At least I think that's how I got home...see it's all a BLUR!!

I then had to pick up my phone and make the phone call to Mike...

As soon as he answered I was a ball of goo and a blubbering mess. Then there were those words again...CANCER. I have cancer. He said right away, Ok, we'll deal with it. We'll get through it. I love you.

Deb took the kids for the night so we could try and process this horrible day and have some time to just grieve without scaring the kids. I think we just held eachother and cried...sometimes you just need to cry...

Then I decided, OK, we need to watch a funny movie or something and without thinking I picked The Bucket List off of pay per view....HELLO STUPID!! We got about 20 minutes into that movie and I was crying again and right back to square one.

That was the WORST day of my life...

It all began with a prenatal check-up...

2009-10-15T19:43:00.000-07:00

After finding out that I was indeed pregnant for the 3rd time (surprise!!!) I started to look around for a family doctor to do my prenatal checkup because my doctor at the time was on maternity leave herself and I knew I couldn't wait for her to return to work...so the search was on...I eventually heard that there were openings at a clinic but the doctor was a male....AHHHHHHHHHH...I haven't had a male doctor since I was a child and definitely not since I needed to get my "girly" issues taken care of. But since this doctor could take on my whole family I was willing to suck up my pride and give him a chance.

I went in for a meet and greet and he was awesome and I was comfortable with him right away...that was a huge relief! Now onto the baby checkups...I scheduled another appointment to come back and do a physical along with my first prenatal checkup. Everything went great at the appointment until he checked my thyroid (which for the record I don't ever remembering any other doctor checking this) and noticed something that he called a "fullness". Hmmmmm....

I didn't think anything of it because what could it possibly be right? So, he wanted me to go for an ultrasound of my neck and of course, me being me, decided that it wasn't that big of a deal so it could wait. My doctor then called me a couple weeks later to follow up about the lack of ultrasound (BUSTED!!) and I then made the appointment like a good girl.

I actually don't really remember the actual ultrasound too much except I kept seeing them measure something and figured, uh oh, that can't be very good! So, again, me being me I went back to my office after the appointment and googled thyroid issues and became VERY acquainted with thyroid cancer. Maybe TOO aquainted. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies but I figured if it was going to be bad news I was going to try and prepare myself for it...
I then got a call from my doctor's office sending me for a biopsy of the lump they found in my thyroid gland...I was a bag of NERVES!! Luckily I had my mother in law there with me to try and keep me calm. It was relatively easy...you just lie there and they stick needles in your neck..whoo hoo eh?

Then I left...and waited...

Just Throwing It Out There!

2009-10-14T17:24:00.000-07:00

Welcome to my rambling thoughts that NEED to spew forth. I probably should have started this blog MONTHS ago but was too afraid to talk about it with anyone, or even to myself for that matter...I am able to express myself and work through things better when I write them down so that's why I am doing this...sharing my struggles with a group of people who know me and have supported me through it all or maybe some people I don't know but can relate to what I am going through. It's either this or an organized support group and I'm not ready for that yet...

This won't just be about cancer but also about life, motherhood and everything else that happens along the way!!

So here it goes...this is me....

JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE!!

Thanks for tuning in...