Good Intentions

I'M BACK!! I didn't realize that it had been almost 3 months since my last blog...oops!! But as the title says, the world is full of GOOD INTENTIONS! I had intended to do a massive amount of regular blogging but apparently that didn't happen. LOL...anyways, onward and upward!

Lots of stuff has been going on. Mike is now working up north and though that has been a struggle full of major adjustments we seem to have finally found a groove and all will be just fine! You do what you have to do to provide for your family and the motto that we seem to be living lately is "short term pain for long term gain". Although Mike is away for 10 days and back for 4 days, the kids won't remember the year that he worked away from them. Someone very wise told me the other day that they won't remember him being away but they will always remember him coming home every 10 days, and THAT is an unbelievable thing to see. The smiles and excitement coming out of those 3 little people when he walks through the door is very special!! So because of this major development in our lives we have yet again been faced with the "make the most of the time we have together" phrase! It's so hard to get everything done and have him spend time with us and everyone else he wants to see in the 4 days we have with him, but we always seem to have great weekends together!

If you all recall the previous blog post about the ongoing weight loss battle and my constant theme of failing miserably at it, I made myself a new goal while Mike is away...I am trying to run on the treadmill as many days as possible while he is away! Initially it was going to be every single day for the full 10 days but life happens as we all know and sometimes I miss a day! But, I am happy to announce that I have actually stuck with it and even MISS my runs if I don't get it in for the day!

You know when people always tell you that the more active you are, the more energy you have....I always thought this was a JOKE!! It didn't make sense to me...logically, if you use up for energy then naturally you would be tired....but nay nay...I have found that I FINALLY have the energy to get everything done in my day that needs to be done...and then some! I have found the energy to do things that will make ME happy which will then in turn make EVERYONE happy!! My treadmill runs have made me feel better about myself and I don't even get frustrated if I don't see massive results IMMEDIATELY (which was the major reason I would fail at any other attempt at exercise). I just enjoy unwinding while I'm running and that's really important for ME!!

Another change...if you know anything about me...I HATE CLEANING! I do it like crazy when I am expecting people to come over, but at the end of the day, I LOATHE IT. I know, I know, none of us like doing it, but you know what I mean...BUT for the past couple of weeks I have been getting stuff done around here that I have been trying to gather up the energy or the drive to do for YEARS!! It's almost like I'm nesting, but without the expecting a baby part. LOL. I have written a list of ALL things cleaning I need to get done and plan on doing one item a day or at a time and not get overwhelmed by thinking I have to finish the entire list in one day.

I think a natural thing for any parent to do is focus all of our attention on how to make sure our kids are happy and we all tend to forget that we need to focus on ourselves too sometimes, which will then contribute to everyone's happiness by improving your mental health making you a better parent and way less high strung!!

Seems easy on the outside, but it's such a hard lesson to learn! But once you figure it out, it feels SO good to accomplish even the little things!

One must have GOALS!

So 5 years ago or so my sister in law Kari and I got this hair brained idea to start running...actually she probably wanted to give it a try and asked if I wanted to give it a shot also... :)

Anyways, we started taking classes and training for races and we were doing pretty darn good. But over the past few years with having 2 more babies and having a couple encounters with cancer my training and racing were pushed aside.

Months ago a few of us in the family registered for the Calgary Marathon (I in the 10 km, Mike, Josh and Rebekah in the 5 km) and had every intention to pull up our socks and train our butts off and conquer this goal that we had set out for ourselves...

Then we did NOTHING!! Ok, that's not ENTIRELY true...we had a pretty good few weeks after registering with hopping on treadmills and ellipticals but that quickly faded! LOL.

Today was race day and instead of backing out (I really wanted to) we got up at the crack of STUPID and headed down to the race. My 10 km started at 7:30 a.m. so we parked and hopped the CT train to Bridgeland! It was COLD, but turned out that it was FANTASTIC weather to run in. I would take this over the heat any day!

I managed to keep myself at a really steady pace of SLOW and jogged non-stop for the first 2 kms (which is really good for me). I remember thinking at around 5 kms "Seriously? Only half way done?" Then around 7 kms I said " I HATE 10 kms"!!! LOL.

But as I rounded the last corner I tried to bust out the last of my energy and get my butt across the finish line before passing out! I heard my name being announced and saw the medal waiting for me and it was a lovely moment. I finished slower than I would have liked but chalked it up to a successful re-entry into the running world.

Mike, Josh and Rebekah were up after I finished to embark upon their first ever 5 km race and they did so good!!! So proud of them for finishing and having such a good time! We definitely all learned that actually training for our upcoming races might be a good thing next time!

Now I am so excited to plan my next race because I have learned this week that we all must have some kind of GOALS to work towards. They help to keep us motivated (or they should) and give us something to look forward to!! Who knew running could be so much fun?? Although my opinion might change greatly when I attempt getting out of bed tomorrow morning! LOL...but it was all worth it and I am so happy that I completed it! It's the good kind of pain!

The ultimate battle...WEIGHT LOSS...Blarf!

I got to thinking today that I have had this CONSTANT goal for it seems the past billion years to get in shape and lose weight! There has always been some kind of excuse like pregnancies, life's too busy, oh, another pregnancy, cancer, cancer surgery...blah blah blah!!!!! Bottom line: I can always find an excuse to NOT do something about it and can never seem to find an excuse TO do something about it. I have about a million REASONS why I would like to lose weight and get in shape but they always get pushed to the back burner.

I have to break free from all of the excuses and do something just for ME! I am a happier person when I am working out and eating well because I can be proud when I drop a pound or 2 or make it through a whole day not consuming a million calories. I am tired of looking at myself in the mirror and HATING what I see. All I see is the flaws with my entire being from the blemishes on my face and the flabby arms to the gross stomach and this in turn makes me HATE the attitude that flows from me.

One of my many issues is that I am a results kinda gal! If I am busting my butt and trying to change my exercise and eating habits then in my head I think that I should IMMEDIATELY see the results I am trying to achieve. We all know this is insane, but if I don't start seeing anything in a relatively short period of time I QUIT and call it a day!

It's too bad that our body doesn't just say "Oh, good for you, you just ate an apple, 0.25 lb off the scale NOW" or "Yay, you just walked for an entire hour at a pretty good pace so we'll take off 0.5 lb from your rather robust bottom" or "WHAT?? You made it the whole day eating well and you fit in your hour of exercise??? Well then, you get a whole POUND today"!! If only it worked that way eh?? THAT would be AWESOME!

But it doesn't so I should accept that and move on!!

Insert declaration of healthier life here...

I WILL NOT promise anyone that I will lose a certain amount of weight by a certain time because I am afraid of letting everyone down, including myself...but I will promise to try my best and make better decisions when it comes to food choices and making sure I do my walks every day at lunch.

I also joined a gym so I have a workout all set up there but that will have to wait until the girl's soccer is over to really hit that hard!

GAME ON...thanks for keeping me accountable everyone!

The Mother of all days!

Today was and I guess still is Mother's Day and mine was pretty fantastic! When we woke up this morning the first thing Taylor wanted to do was give me her "surprise" from school. So she passed me her tissue papered package and a card. It was the cutest, most beautiful card ever. I couldn't help but have flashbacks of things that I made my mom over the years like glass jars covered in different types of hard pasta and then spray painted gold...LOL...ahhh, the good old days!

I opened up my present and it was a clay bowl that was glazed!! So awesome! Just seeing it gave me another flashback because I remember making my mom one of those too (and I'm pretty sure she still has it)

We then headed out to Kananaskis for a nice drive, stroll and picnic. The kids got to run around and it was so nice! The day was topped off with a lovely BBQ with some even lovely-er guests and some hockey (had to sneak the sports in there...HA). The kids are now all tucked into bed and before Rachel walked up the stairs she gave me a hug and said in this tiny voice "Happy Mother's Day Mommy!" Melt my heart!

Today was one of my favourite Mother's Days!!! It wasn't centered around gifts or big extravagant events. It was nice and simple and filled my heart with so much love and joy. I am so blessed to have these 3 angels in my life and such a fantastic husband!

It was so refreshing to actually enjoy a holiday for what it is supposed to be and not have it lose its meaning by being over commercialized! I hope all of you Moms out there had a fantastic day filled with a billions special moments! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

The inside of Taylor's card!!

The day of the roaches

If someone told me that I would have a daughter that was going to want to do a report on cockroaches I would have never believed it. But today our Miss Taylor stood up in front of the class and talked about the wonderful world of COCKROACHES.

The assignment: a presentation with visuals about an insect. Most kids would come up with bee, ant, butterfly, etc. But not our Taylor!! We are all about the cockroaches in this house right now.

Never in a million years did I ever think that I would ever want or need to learn about cockroaches but I now possess more information on the creepy things than I care to admit. Like did you know that cockroaches can live for a week without their head?? I know, you are all so very jealous of my newfound knowledge! LOL.

But it was awesome to see her up there in front of her class so proudly sharing her info with all of her friends. She answered all of the questions from the audience with confidence and I noticed that she has somehow managed to master the gift of "fake it til you make it"! Even though she didn't know all of the answers to the questions she sure made it sound like she did. She definitely got this trait from her Dad. HA!

Another super duper proud Mommy moment kinda day!

Cockroaches anyone?

Ever since I have started doing the daily blog thing I find myself walking through my day trying to think of something to write about or when I stumble upon something, trying to remember it. So needless to say there has been a lot of thoughts going through this head, none of which I can remember! LOL

Tonight was filled with plastic cockroach hunting. Taylor is doing a report at school on insects and she chose to do the cockroach so I thought it would be cool to find some plastic cockroach looking things that we could stick to her poster board to create some 3D visual stimulation. Sounds pretty easy eh? WRONG! Turns out it was a bad idea because you can't find them ANYWHERE. We found spiders, worms and butterflies. Then we found tubes filled with farm animals, safari animals, and even insect ones but of course none of those insects even remotely looked like a cockroach. RIDICULOUS! I seem to recall seeing bags of insects practically everywhere over the past few years and now all of a sudden, not ONE store has them! Amazing how that happens. So now Taylor is going to make some of her own cockroaches out of pipe cleaners. She's such a problem solver!

As mentioned yesterday I have come down with a cold that our 2 little ones have so graciously passed on to me and this sore throat is freaking me out! It's silly I know but everytime I get sick or some kind of pain or whatnot happens in the general area of my neck I FREAK! Then the mind starts going..."oh no, is it just a cold or is it something else? Should I get it checked out or am I just being a weirdo? Uh oh it's not getting better, maybe it IS something else..." Crazy right? Well, welcome to my head!

We really are our own worst enemy sometimes...

The usual Tuesday night!

NCIS night!!! That's pretty much it for exciting events for the day. I have had an insane sore throat which left me with practically no voice at work and was up all night with Rachel so I welcomed our usual Tuesday night event...NCIS followed by NCIS:LA...gotta love it!

Josh and Rebekah came over and it's just relax time in my jammies! It was a good night with great company...can't ask for much more than that! Besides of course maybe waking up in the morning fully rested with no sore throat...LOL...

I can dream can't I?

Night all!

Soccer Mom - 2010 edition begins

The plan for the day was pretty straight forward...go to work, come home, get the kids to soccer, come home and get them ready for bed. Seems pretty stress free...in my head!

Today was day 1 of soccer season 2010. Mike decided to coach Taylor's team this year which is on Monday and Wednesday nights and we put Rachel in for her first year and she is on Monday nights. So, unfortunately Mike will miss out on all of Rachel's games and I will only be able to make it to half of Taylor's games, but oh well, as long as they're having fun.

I walk in the door from work and Sobey's with a chicken, salad and buns and immediately start running around trying to figure out who has been fed, who hasn't, and who doesn't want to eat. LOL. Then it was "Taylor, where are your soccer shoes?" Followed by a "I don't know, you put them somewhere", then a "Taylor, you just had them, where did you put them?".............."oh here they are, behind something" (go figure!)

Rachel is running around trying to understand why Taylor has her soccer shirt already and she doesn't and Caleb is just getting excited because he sees everyone getting their stuff on so immediately he thinks he's going somewhere...so much fun!

Auntie Rebekah had come over to watch Caleb while I ran Rachel to soccer because the weather was horrible with the impending rain and the horrible wind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I couldn't bear to leave him here when he was so excited so he came along with us...that and Rachel looked at Rebekah and said "You coming to my soccer field?" Then without giving her a chance to respond she said "Ya, you are!" Discussion ended and we were all apparently going to soccer.

Now I remember vividly going to Taylor's very first game of soccer when she was 4 and for the entire hour she stood in the middle of the field and either sulked or cried. But wouldn't move from that spot so everyone had to play around her. So tonight I asked Uncle Paul to come along for the maiden soccer game for Rachel because Mike couldn't be there and I figured that maybe he would be able to bust her out of her shell if she started to turtle like Taylor did.

So there we all were freezing in the horrible weather trying to get everyone organized with their team and their fields. Surprisingly Rachel went and joined her team at first but that was the end of the voluntary cooperation. She talked to no one and just wanted to stand there and hold onto her soccer ball. But at least she wasn't crying right?

After 20 agonizing minutes we decided to pack it in and go home. We will try again next week and hopefully the weather is a whole lot better and she won't be so shy...but it's all about the baby steps! The one thing she does love about soccer so far is her soccer jersey...and if at the end of season that's still the only thing she likes then that's ok too!!

As for Mike's coaching debut, all things seemed to go without a hitch other than all of these petite girls wearing HUGE jerseys but they ended up winning their game 2-0 so they are off to a great start!!

I had almost forgotten how crazy things are during soccer season...but it's a good kinda crazy!

Gonna give it a whirl

Well, I'm going to try my best to make this work....the every day blog! While I was visiting with one of my super awesome friends we got to talking about our blogs and I confessed to her that the reason I don't blog all the time is because I feel like I'm depressing everyone...which isn't my intention obviously! But I do really appreciate everyone coming along on this journey with me.

So, I am going to do my best to just blog about my thoughts, feelings, life in general on a daily basis. I want to have this so my kids will have something to read and see what I went through, what they went through and what we all went through together. It will be hard for me to get myself out of the mindset that when I blog I have to write a whole novel practically but I'll give it a shot!

And game on...

Today was a pretty spectacular day...although I did FORGET to drink my coffee this morning which was devastating when I realized it was sitting unopened in our house and we were in the van on our way to church...DOH! Ah well, what can ya do?

Anyways, today was Taylor's spring concert at our church and she has been dedicated to this performance for the past few months! Every week she was always so excited for practice and couldn't wait for all of us to see her on stage. She forbid us from listening to the CD that they all received to memorize because it needed to be a surprise!! So cute! We would hear tiny bits of her singing along to the music in her room on her iPod but that was about it.

Our little Taylor never ceases to amaze us. We are so proud of her!!!! She always has this "I can do anything attitude" no matter what. I envy that about her and I'm so glad she has that spark her! When I was her age I was HORRIFIED to be a part of anything that required being in front of an audience but she wanted to sing, dance and she even auditioned for a solo part!!! That is way out of MY comfort level and I found myself being scared and nervous for her. Although she didn't get a solo she was still so excited that she was part of this play.

Today was the spring musical and she was up there smiling, grooving, singing and dancing along with the rest of those wonderfully talented children! She rocked it and I admit that I had a tear in my eye! She looked so grown up on that stage and I flashed back to memories of my little 5 pound miracle. She can't be growing up that fast can she??? Man...

On the way out of church Mike and I told her that she did great and that there was no reason to be nervous right? She just looked at us and said "Uh, I wasn't as nervous and you guys this I was you know"...well, ok then! LOL. It was such a relief to hear that!

I smiled so much today, watching the performance, watching Caleb playing peek-a-boo with people through the chairs, watching Rachel wave at Taylor because she was so excited to see her up there and my niece trying so hard to say hi to Taylor whenever she found her again on stage. We then had a GREAT family lunch and it was so awesome seeing all the kids running around together playing and having a fantastic time...I am so glad we live near family and the kids can be close.

Life is so precious and I just smiled at it all today! It felt really, really AMAZING!

Oh how He works in mysterious ways!!

Over the past few days/weeks/months I have been, well shall we say, less than pleasant to be around...I feel so sorry for my husband, children, friends and family because WOWZERS I have been quite the individual...

I have been battling with many demons internally and I have no idea how to kick them to the curb and get on with my life. I keep telling myself that I should be the happiest person in the world...I should have a new lease on life! But...I am angry, bitter and frankly out of control. I feel like my life is spiralling wildly and I seem to be successfully alienating everyone I hold dear from me. I don't quite know how to explain it, but I have this constant feeling that I am going to run out of time so I panic when there are things that need to be done around the house, with the kids, or with my marriage and aren't done RIGHT AWAY!! Then all I want to do is cry...and cry...and cry...but I don't...I get ANGRY! I am nasty to other people when I lose my keys or forget them in my jacket in Mike's truck!!! Naturally this is HIS fault because why didn't he check my coat in his truck for my keys before he left the house...geez!!! RIDICULOUS isn't it?? Clearly something is wrong with this situation...

My main reaction to this volcanic activity is to avoid as many people as possible and try to bury my head in the sand!! Ignore, ignore, ignore and all will be right with the world...right?? WRONG!! It gets worse!! Can you believe it?? All these nasty feelings get worse...and I just want to run away!!! But unfortunately for my family I can't run away from them so they are the lucky ones who get the brunt of most of it! Sad...

I have been telling myself "seriously you stupid woman, you should be ecstatic that you made it through cancer and are still here for your family...isn't that enough for you??" So why am I feeling like this?? Why isn't the world all sunshine and roses for me?

So I was driving home tonight, just me in my Grand Caravan listening to Country 105. I then decided to switch it over to the local Christian station Shine FM and it was their Focus on the Family Sunday night show. They were just starting their interview with a woman who had a serious bout of DEPRESSION 15 years ago...as she was telling her story and describing some of her symptoms a huge light when on!!! HELLO...she was describing me and the struggles and emotions I have been going through! Maybe I should have clued in earlier!!

Oh sure I've had depressing thoughts before but things always got better...they ebb and flow. That's the nature of humanity, especially being a woman!!! It comes with the territory. But this time it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and I find now that I am starting to distance myself from a whole bunch of people and things that I would normally love to surround myself with.

Anyways, so as this lady was talking to ME on the radio I said, "Wow, what are the chances of that happening??" This thought was quickly followed by "This wasn't a coincidence", followed by an "Ok Lord, I get it and I hear you."

This lady was also talking about how she has met women with depression who have been too ashamed to admit that they have it or that they are being treated for it or were in complete denial about them even possibly being a candidate for depression. I fall into the denial portion of these women and just firmly believed that I could control it and would rise above it all once my life calmed down a bit! Ha ha ha...it will never calm down!!

I realized tonight that I may not want to admit to anyone that I have depression, but who cares?? Big whoop! I would much rather admit that I have it and that I am willing to do something about it than continue on the path that I am on now, because the person that I am looking at in the mirror everyday is NOT someone I am proud of! I want to enjoy my kids now (even when Miss Rachel is still awake looking at me from across the room on the other couch telling me that she can't go to bed because her baby's still awake!) I don't want them growing up and remembering how angry I was all the time and how miserable I seemed. We all want our children to grow up saying "Yes, I had a great childhood"!

So...first step is admitting it right? So now we have to do something about it!! Time to go and see my lovely doctor again! I can't continue to let this consume me because I am starting to not even recognize who I am anymore...and that is just not acceptable!

Week of Mondays...

We all know that Mondays are usually one of the most trying days of the week and we would all rather throw our alarm clocks against the wall and hide under our covers all day long!! But we muddle through and anxiously wait for Tuesday to arrive so we can say goodbye to our brutal Monday! At least that's how I feel most Mondays...it just feels like I am walking around in a daze where there's so much happening that I don't even remotely know where to begin.

Well, my whole WEEK has been like that so far...and it's only half way done!! Good times, good times!! So, I'm really really hoping that tomorrow can actually feel like my Tuesday and not my 4th Monday!! :)

I got a phone call today from the Tom Baker cancer centre to do my last check up survey. i'm supposed to be filling them out online but since I still have major moments of just wanting to ignore all things cancer related and carry on with my life, I opt out of providing them with any feedback! Well, they called me today! So I answer all of their questions and try to get through the survey as quick as possible...I don't know if this is healthy or not but I do it anyway...makes me feel better. I just want to get on with my life!!!!!! Cancer has already taken so much away from me that I just want to push past it! They ask you questions about being depressed or anxious about anything and I can honestly say that no, I haven't felt any of that for a while now, but I am always kinda looking over my shoulder waiting for the ball to drop!! My sense of security is gone now, I just need to find a way of dealing with that. Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows that I've always hated dealing with doctors. I never really knew why this was but now I realize it's because they are the ones that tell you bad things! You could be walking into their office for a routine checkup, you're feeling well and BAM! they have one little conversation with you and everything starts spinning around!! Now I have a whole bunch of them that I need to check in with for a very long time coming...is that karma?

Well that's my rambling for the night...!!

Breathe Again

I walked to the mailbox one day to get the massive pile that had been accumulating in there (gotta love superboxes) and started sorting out Mike's mail, my mail, and junk mail. I then came across an envelope from the Foothills Hospital with my Endocrinologist's name on it...insert sinking gut feeling here...it seems that every time things start to return to a somewhat normal state, cancer comes back to slap me in the face!! Or someone associated with it....guess I should probably get OVER that eh? Trust me, I'm WORKING on it!

So me being the Queen of Avoidance decided to deal with every other piece of mail before even thinking about ripping open that envelope. But alas, even the mound of mail couldn't keep me busy FOREVER so I decided to get it over with.

I ripped open the envelope and there was the inevitable requisition form to go and have my blood taken to see what my Thyroglobulin level was (I think that's what it's called). Now this level spits back a number to the doctors that apparently is very important. Me being without a thyroid and having gone through 2 rounds of radioactiveness SHOULD have NO traceable levels in my system. So, the doctors want to see this level lower than .02 I think it is or else it means there is something still active in my body which means NOT GOOD! In between surgery 1 and surgery 2 my level came back as a 2, and low and behold there was a second tumour in my neck.

I brought the requisition to work with me and did everything in my power to avoid actually making the trip to the lab. The girls there though asked me when I was supposed to be going for more tests and I mentioned the impending requisition and they made me make an appointment for the following afternoon. I went the next day like a good little girl and was so nervous, even though I knew that I wasn't going to find anything out at the lab, I just wasn't sure if I could prepare myself for yet another "you have cancer" moment!

And then...say it with me people...WE WAIT...and WAIT....and WAIT! Finally after 2 weeks of waiting I kept trying to tell myself that no news is good news, but there hasn't really been any moments of "good news" throughout this journey so I was waiting for the ball to drop. I had to refill my thyroid prescription so I decided to e-mail my doc and ask him if about my results and if I needed a different dose of meds.

Last Thursday I sent him a message and this afternoon I opened up my e-mail and there was his name...insert gut wrenching, almost going to throw up feeling here...I reluctantly opened it and he said, Hi Tracy, Perfect Results and same dose! Have a great day!

WHAT? Where's the bad news? Re-read the message. Could it be...???? Re-read the message. Seriously???

The room is spinning at this point and I honestly had to read his message about 10 times! For the FIRST time since my diagnosis on June 30th, 2008 I could breathe...and there wasn't a dull ache in the background!! It felt like there was the weight of the world lifted off of my chest and I saw the world in a new way! I don't even know how to explain it...I wanted to LAUGH, CRY, SCREAM, JUMP, FALL TO THE GROUND, and HUG everyone I saw! My heart would race and then slow down and then I would get almost giddy with happiness!! All I kept saying to myself was THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! In my mind I was thanking my doctor for sending me that e-mail, thanking my friends and family for all of the love and support and most of all thanking GOD for being with me every step of the way!!!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS EVERYONE??? I just want to yell from the rooftops! If I was on Oprah I would be pulling a Tom Cruise and jumping on her couch! THAT is how happy I am!!

Today (like every day) was an amazing blessing!!

I will still have to do routine tests and scans for the next few years but I feel so much stronger right now and that will help me get through those!!

March 2009...and a few months later...

Ok, I'm going to try my best to recollect all of the happenings after surgery #1, so hopefully it doesn't sound too scatterbrained...

After my surgery I had to obviously start taking my thyroid medication, calcium and pain meds...talk about a cocktail of fun! I found myself VERY tired and was having a hard time letting Deb help me out with everything around the house and the kids. I felt very guilty but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't live over 10 pounds and it's absolutely AMAZING how many neck muscles you use in daily activities...OUCH!! So, what could I do but sit back and let people help me out...HUGE internal power struggle!!!

I was paranoid of letting my kids see my scar, of what they would say, of them being afraid to be near me, and of what others would think...I know it sounds silly but all I kept saying to myself was, I hope no one thinks that someone tried to kill me...stupid internal thoughts!

I had a check-up with my team of doctors over the next few months and my surgeon said I was healing well and needed to go for another ultrasound to check and make sure nothing else was going on in my neck. I was told by his 'lovely' receptionist that she would make an appointment for me...so I waited...and I waited...finally a couple weeks later and hearing NOTHING I called her back and became her worst nightmare. This woman continuously dropped the ball with scheduling any of my appointments and it was so frustrating. Wasn't I going through enough without having to deal with stupid people??????????????????? Anywhoo...

I finally got my ultrasound scheduled and it was so nerve wracking!! I started to cry as soon as I laid on the table. It was horrifying!! The poor ultrasound tech didn't know what to do with herself...and then she found something...I kept my eyes closed for the entire procedure because I just had this feeling that this was going to come up with bad news...

She asked me when my surgery was and then left the room to review the pics with a doctor....then the doctor comes in and says he wants to take a look...GREAT! So much for the "hey, you're good to go" that I was hoping for. So, I lay back down and he takes another look. He then informs me that because it had only been a couple months since my surgery it could very well be scar tissue and that they were going to have to get a biopsy to confirm.

I know he was trying to ease my mind but I just KNEW something wasn't right! At this point I was crying again and they passed me some kleenex, said their goodbyes, wished me luck and left the room...then I wait...again...this waiting this is seriously getting old!

I eventually get the phonecall from my surgeon's office saying that they need to get me in to do an ultrasound guided biopsy just to make sure they don't miss the lump because this one was a lot smaller than the one they had previously taken out. I now have to wait for the 'lovely' receptionist to make me another appointment...I must have chased her around on the phone FOREVER and this woman had every excuse for not being able to get me in for a biopsy! HELLOOOOOOOO, I've already gone through cancer lady so do you think you could get a move on it considering I have a very REAL feeling that it's still in there growing!!!!

After much persuasion (because I hated to go asking for information I really didn't want to know) by my faithful CC (cancer companion) Deb we got in touch with our nurse friend at our doctor's office and told her about the crazy issues we were having trying to line up a biopsy. They then worked their magic, tried contacting the 'lovely' receptionist and had just as much luck as I did so they just went ahead and got me booked in at the women's centre over by mount royal...now was THAT so hard??? UNBELIEVABLE!!

The biopsy day came and I do believe that it's now May (that's right, it took 2 months to get an appointment) and off I went...reluctantly...and without eating that day or sleeping the night before...as per usual! I definitely have this pre-appointment ritual down pat! The staff there are amazing but I would have much rathered getting a splinter pulled out of my rear end than be there so another group of people could look at me with those "I'm sorry" eyes...ok, here we go. Ultrasound begins, doctor comes in and tells me what she's going to do to me and that I will be sore for a little while and away we went...they numb the area but they have to stick a needle in you 3 different times in different areas of the tumour and while they are in there they shove it back and forth in a stabbing motion...good times eh??

I walk out of the clinic and have a list of people that want me to call them to let them know how it went but that's the LAST thing I want to do...why do I have to keep talking about this?? Driving me crazy!!! But I do it anyway because I know everyone would worry even more if I didn't but I'm sure I'm less than pleasant.

So, that's now over with, my neck is bandaged and really sore and guess what?? Say it with me people...now we....WAIT...for the impending phonecall....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I wish everyone the very best year!!!

Full of laughter, love, forgiveness, respect and HEALTH! I have nothing but positive thoughts for this year and I'm trying my hardest to not freak out about any upcoming tests, scans or bloodwork that will have to be done and just live in the moment! Live in the moment...huh...it's so easy to say, talk about or preach to someone else to do it, but can be sooooooo hard to actually DO.

We are all programmed to worry, plan, and prepare for the future and try our best to control our future...but sometimes we need to learn how to hand over the reigns, realize that we CAN'T control everything and try to enjoy every bit of this life that we have been blessed with.

Like I said, I realize it's easier said than done and I STRUGGLE with this on a daily basis. It's so easy to sweat the small stuff and get all mad when something happens outside of your comfort zone, but whether it be good or bad, there's not much we can do about it in the end...SCREAM, YELL, LAUGH, CRY...do what you need to do to help you get through it all!!

I got an e-mail from someone today that had a bunch of different quotes in it and a few of them stuck with me like:

Life may not always be fair, but it's always good!

It's OK to be mad with God, he can take it!

Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.

Just some little tidbits to ponder...and I PROMISE that I will continue my story tomorrow...up next the GONG show that happened between surgery number 1 and surgery number 2! Stay tuned!!