Explanation

I have been wondering for the past little while if everyone reading this blog is saying to themselves or to others "why is she telling us all this personal stuff ?...why doesn't she just keep it to herself?..."

My first issue is that I need to stop caring or worrying about what other people think, feel or say about me...whether they like me or not, if they're mad at me, why we don't talk much anymore and so on...cause at the end of the day, I can't make people like me. All I can be is myself and if that isn't someone's cup of tea then that's ok...

The reason I have chosen to write down everything for people to read is because that's how I get through things...I talk about them, think about them...write them down. It's good for my brain space. If I get it out of there then it's less noisy and easier to deal with other things. I by no means want people to think that I am just looking for attention or that I feel like I am any different than anybody else walking through this crazy journey called LIFE, but you have all been an amazing support to me for the past 4.5 years or longer and I want to continue to be honest with each of you.

This honesty path I have taken for the past couple of months has been extremely hard for me because I am facing and acknowledging things that I have long since pushed aside, pretending that they don't matter. That tactic hasn't been working very well so it's time to be REAL. I have been told for so long that I am strong...even when I don't feel strong. But naturally I would tell myself that if people think that I'm strong, then it must be true and so it was hard for me to show moments of weakness. I am now realizing that even the strongest people can have the weakest moments...and that's ok too.

I write this blog so you all know what's going on, so you can maybe get a glimpse of why I may have acted a certain way or reacted differently somehow. Behind all of the sarcasm and jokes there is some stuff happening and it shouldn't be something that has to be hidden from people or kept quiet. Life can be tough for everyone, but it makes it way more bearable at times if you have someone to chat with that you can trust or vent to someone and know they are truly listening to you.

All of this definitely doesn't give me an excuse for my behaviour sometimes but I am working on it and I thank you all for your patience, your support and most importantly, for listening :)

WIP (Work In Progress)

Breaking it down...one neurotic step at a time!

This time of year brings to mind many things for many people...Christmas shopping and gift giving, family gathering plans, prepping for the upcoming winter, sugar plums dancing in your heads, etc...you know, the whole nine yards...

Along with all these things I am made to think about my yearly cancer follow up with my endocrinologist, who gets a bit of a laugh out of me because I seem to avoid him (or any doctor right now for that matter) like the plague and he always makes sure he follows up with me because he's afraid he won't hear from me again if he doesn't...

Each year I think these follow ups will get easier...but they don't...each year I try to channel the most positive of thoughts and actually walk into that appointment with a smile and leave with a smile...but it doesn't seem to happen...I might actually be giving the good doctor a complex as it seems that the mere sight of him can make me turn into a puddle of tears...

This year I am trying to tell myself that I can actually walk into the ultrasound without someone holding my shaking hand in the waiting room...but I don't think I can, or want to...besides I have an amazing CC (Cancer Companion) who is always there making these things a little easier so why do these things alone?

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things in regards to how I've changed since this has become my new reality and why I act certain ways towards certain things or fly off the handle over something that may appear to anyone else as being so insignificant and small but has blown up into a disaster for me...

Every little thing means something different now...I find that I have a new outlook on life and want to do things differently, but get frustrated because I don't know where to start or have enough time to finish something...there are so many things that I want to accomplish (big and small) that I panic when I don't feel like I have enough time...I want to travel with my family and watch my children experience things in case I don't have the TIME in the future...everything has come down to time lately and this has it's ups and downs...

Everytime I have to clear my throat I automatically think that my cancer has come back...every time I feel a twang anywhere in my body, I think my cancer has returned in a different area...this jump starts my mind into telling myself that you better hurry up and get some stuff accomplished on that TO DO list before you find yourself in the hospital for more treatment or something. I don't know how to sort through these thoughts and I don't even really know how to accurately explain them to people which frustrates me even more at times.

I am struggling to find what my normal pace of life is supposed to be now. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on things and what I am getting done, but then I will panic over where I left my crochet magazines, cause where oh where could they be, why is this place such a mess, why can't I find anything, I just want to find my magazines, I just saw them, freaking right out, crying, panic rising....CRAZY right??? Thank God for my amazing husband who hasn't given up on me yet and committed me because of my outbursts.

Some people I'm sure would tell me that I need to enjoy life and stop trying to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the time it feels like RIGHT NOW is all the time I've got and there's so much that I want to do that I don't want to waste a minute...I find that I am trying to enjoy life TOO much, if that makes any sense...there's so much that I still want to do that I am trying to do it and see it and make those memories with everyone in my life while I'm feeling good!! On the days that I do convince myself to take some time and relax all I think about is the stuff I could be getting done and then I feel like I've wasted time.

I want to feel like I am contributing something special to people's lives...this is where my crochet comes in...I've always enjoyed crocheting, I've always enjoyed making things for people, but now it means something so much more...my crocheting has become an outlet for me in a way I can't really put into words and being able to make hats, blankets, toys, etc. for people brings me an incredible calmness and crazyness all at the same time...like if I could hurry up and crochet something for everyone in my life then they would know how much they mean to me and would have something to hopefully treasure from ME if I'm ever not here physically...

I have read that this behaviour is quite common in cancer survivors because we are trying so desperately to find some sort of normal again outside of doctor's appointments, treatments, follow ups, etc. that we have to put all of our heart and soul into something else...

I have been fooling myself for the last couple years into believing that I am the same person I used to be and that I could just sail back into my previous reality unscathed. Things mean MORE to me now...relationships MEAN more to me now which explains why I seem to panic when I notice changes that could very well be a natural progression of that relationship but I get frustrated when I don't have the POWER to keep it the same (why don't we talk as much anymore, why don't we see eachother as much anymore, etc)...TIME means everything to me now...

So as this year's follow up ultrasound and blood tests approach, I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's always in the back of your head that if you let your guard down, even just a little bit, THAT is when they will tell you more bad news...so when people ask me how I'm doing my response is ALWAYS "So far, so good", not "Great, couldn't be better", not "EXCELLENT" because a recurrence is always in the back of my mind...but this, my friends is all a part of...

MY NEW NORMAL...and I should probably suck it up and get used to it right?

Thanks for listening...it means so very much!!