March 2009...and a few months later...

Ok, I'm going to try my best to recollect all of the happenings after surgery #1, so hopefully it doesn't sound too scatterbrained...

After my surgery I had to obviously start taking my thyroid medication, calcium and pain meds...talk about a cocktail of fun! I found myself VERY tired and was having a hard time letting Deb help me out with everything around the house and the kids. I felt very guilty but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't live over 10 pounds and it's absolutely AMAZING how many neck muscles you use in daily activities...OUCH!! So, what could I do but sit back and let people help me out...HUGE internal power struggle!!!

I was paranoid of letting my kids see my scar, of what they would say, of them being afraid to be near me, and of what others would think...I know it sounds silly but all I kept saying to myself was, I hope no one thinks that someone tried to kill me...stupid internal thoughts!

I had a check-up with my team of doctors over the next few months and my surgeon said I was healing well and needed to go for another ultrasound to check and make sure nothing else was going on in my neck. I was told by his 'lovely' receptionist that she would make an appointment for me...so I waited...and I waited...finally a couple weeks later and hearing NOTHING I called her back and became her worst nightmare. This woman continuously dropped the ball with scheduling any of my appointments and it was so frustrating. Wasn't I going through enough without having to deal with stupid people??????????????????? Anywhoo...

I finally got my ultrasound scheduled and it was so nerve wracking!! I started to cry as soon as I laid on the table. It was horrifying!! The poor ultrasound tech didn't know what to do with herself...and then she found something...I kept my eyes closed for the entire procedure because I just had this feeling that this was going to come up with bad news...

She asked me when my surgery was and then left the room to review the pics with a doctor....then the doctor comes in and says he wants to take a look...GREAT! So much for the "hey, you're good to go" that I was hoping for. So, I lay back down and he takes another look. He then informs me that because it had only been a couple months since my surgery it could very well be scar tissue and that they were going to have to get a biopsy to confirm.

I know he was trying to ease my mind but I just KNEW something wasn't right! At this point I was crying again and they passed me some kleenex, said their goodbyes, wished me luck and left the room...then I wait...again...this waiting this is seriously getting old!

I eventually get the phonecall from my surgeon's office saying that they need to get me in to do an ultrasound guided biopsy just to make sure they don't miss the lump because this one was a lot smaller than the one they had previously taken out. I now have to wait for the 'lovely' receptionist to make me another appointment...I must have chased her around on the phone FOREVER and this woman had every excuse for not being able to get me in for a biopsy! HELLOOOOOOOO, I've already gone through cancer lady so do you think you could get a move on it considering I have a very REAL feeling that it's still in there growing!!!!

After much persuasion (because I hated to go asking for information I really didn't want to know) by my faithful CC (cancer companion) Deb we got in touch with our nurse friend at our doctor's office and told her about the crazy issues we were having trying to line up a biopsy. They then worked their magic, tried contacting the 'lovely' receptionist and had just as much luck as I did so they just went ahead and got me booked in at the women's centre over by mount royal...now was THAT so hard??? UNBELIEVABLE!!

The biopsy day came and I do believe that it's now May (that's right, it took 2 months to get an appointment) and off I went...reluctantly...and without eating that day or sleeping the night before...as per usual! I definitely have this pre-appointment ritual down pat! The staff there are amazing but I would have much rathered getting a splinter pulled out of my rear end than be there so another group of people could look at me with those "I'm sorry" eyes...ok, here we go. Ultrasound begins, doctor comes in and tells me what she's going to do to me and that I will be sore for a little while and away we went...they numb the area but they have to stick a needle in you 3 different times in different areas of the tumour and while they are in there they shove it back and forth in a stabbing motion...good times eh??

I walk out of the clinic and have a list of people that want me to call them to let them know how it went but that's the LAST thing I want to do...why do I have to keep talking about this?? Driving me crazy!!! But I do it anyway because I know everyone would worry even more if I didn't but I'm sure I'm less than pleasant.

So, that's now over with, my neck is bandaged and really sore and guess what?? Say it with me people...now we....WAIT...for the impending phonecall....

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

I wish everyone the very best year!!!

Full of laughter, love, forgiveness, respect and HEALTH! I have nothing but positive thoughts for this year and I'm trying my hardest to not freak out about any upcoming tests, scans or bloodwork that will have to be done and just live in the moment! Live in the moment...huh...it's so easy to say, talk about or preach to someone else to do it, but can be sooooooo hard to actually DO.

We are all programmed to worry, plan, and prepare for the future and try our best to control our future...but sometimes we need to learn how to hand over the reigns, realize that we CAN'T control everything and try to enjoy every bit of this life that we have been blessed with.

Like I said, I realize it's easier said than done and I STRUGGLE with this on a daily basis. It's so easy to sweat the small stuff and get all mad when something happens outside of your comfort zone, but whether it be good or bad, there's not much we can do about it in the end...SCREAM, YELL, LAUGH, CRY...do what you need to do to help you get through it all!!

I got an e-mail from someone today that had a bunch of different quotes in it and a few of them stuck with me like:

Life may not always be fair, but it's always good!

It's OK to be mad with God, he can take it!

Make peace with your past so it doesn't screw up the present.

Just some little tidbits to ponder...and I PROMISE that I will continue my story tomorrow...up next the GONG show that happened between surgery number 1 and surgery number 2! Stay tuned!!