Random emotional thought day

This is the place where I can just open up and talk right? Ok...today was an interesting day and turned out to be a very emotionally draining day and I didn't even realize it happened until about 10 minutes ago when my body just decided ENOUGH and it seems to be forcing me into an early bedtime (which is so not like me).

Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.

An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???

Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...

I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...

...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!

Thanks for listening...

Breaking it down...one neurotic step at a time!

This time of year brings to mind many things for many people...Christmas shopping and gift giving, family gathering plans, prepping for the upcoming winter, sugar plums dancing in your heads, etc...you know, the whole nine yards...

Along with all these things I am made to think about my yearly cancer follow up with my endocrinologist, who gets a bit of a laugh out of me because I seem to avoid him (or any doctor right now for that matter) like the plague and he always makes sure he follows up with me because he's afraid he won't hear from me again if he doesn't...

Each year I think these follow ups will get easier...but they don't...each year I try to channel the most positive of thoughts and actually walk into that appointment with a smile and leave with a smile...but it doesn't seem to happen...I might actually be giving the good doctor a complex as it seems that the mere sight of him can make me turn into a puddle of tears...

This year I am trying to tell myself that I can actually walk into the ultrasound without someone holding my shaking hand in the waiting room...but I don't think I can, or want to...besides I have an amazing CC (Cancer Companion) who is always there making these things a little easier so why do these things alone?

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things in regards to how I've changed since this has become my new reality and why I act certain ways towards certain things or fly off the handle over something that may appear to anyone else as being so insignificant and small but has blown up into a disaster for me...

Every little thing means something different now...I find that I have a new outlook on life and want to do things differently, but get frustrated because I don't know where to start or have enough time to finish something...there are so many things that I want to accomplish (big and small) that I panic when I don't feel like I have enough time...I want to travel with my family and watch my children experience things in case I don't have the TIME in the future...everything has come down to time lately and this has it's ups and downs...

Everytime I have to clear my throat I automatically think that my cancer has come back...every time I feel a twang anywhere in my body, I think my cancer has returned in a different area...this jump starts my mind into telling myself that you better hurry up and get some stuff accomplished on that TO DO list before you find yourself in the hospital for more treatment or something. I don't know how to sort through these thoughts and I don't even really know how to accurately explain them to people which frustrates me even more at times.

I am struggling to find what my normal pace of life is supposed to be now. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on things and what I am getting done, but then I will panic over where I left my crochet magazines, cause where oh where could they be, why is this place such a mess, why can't I find anything, I just want to find my magazines, I just saw them, freaking right out, crying, panic rising....CRAZY right??? Thank God for my amazing husband who hasn't given up on me yet and committed me because of my outbursts.

Some people I'm sure would tell me that I need to enjoy life and stop trying to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the time it feels like RIGHT NOW is all the time I've got and there's so much that I want to do that I don't want to waste a minute...I find that I am trying to enjoy life TOO much, if that makes any sense...there's so much that I still want to do that I am trying to do it and see it and make those memories with everyone in my life while I'm feeling good!! On the days that I do convince myself to take some time and relax all I think about is the stuff I could be getting done and then I feel like I've wasted time.

I want to feel like I am contributing something special to people's lives...this is where my crochet comes in...I've always enjoyed crocheting, I've always enjoyed making things for people, but now it means something so much more...my crocheting has become an outlet for me in a way I can't really put into words and being able to make hats, blankets, toys, etc. for people brings me an incredible calmness and crazyness all at the same time...like if I could hurry up and crochet something for everyone in my life then they would know how much they mean to me and would have something to hopefully treasure from ME if I'm ever not here physically...

I have read that this behaviour is quite common in cancer survivors because we are trying so desperately to find some sort of normal again outside of doctor's appointments, treatments, follow ups, etc. that we have to put all of our heart and soul into something else...

I have been fooling myself for the last couple years into believing that I am the same person I used to be and that I could just sail back into my previous reality unscathed. Things mean MORE to me now...relationships MEAN more to me now which explains why I seem to panic when I notice changes that could very well be a natural progression of that relationship but I get frustrated when I don't have the POWER to keep it the same (why don't we talk as much anymore, why don't we see eachother as much anymore, etc)...TIME means everything to me now...

So as this year's follow up ultrasound and blood tests approach, I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's always in the back of your head that if you let your guard down, even just a little bit, THAT is when they will tell you more bad news...so when people ask me how I'm doing my response is ALWAYS "So far, so good", not "Great, couldn't be better", not "EXCELLENT" because a recurrence is always in the back of my mind...but this, my friends is all a part of...

MY NEW NORMAL...and I should probably suck it up and get used to it right?

Thanks for listening...it means so very much!!