Friday is a happy day once again :)

The anxiety has been building for some time now waiting for this day to come. I would be ok with it, and then I wouldn't, then I would, then...you get the point! That's a LOT of rollercoaster-ing with the emotions people! Absolutely exhausting!

Last night after a busy day at work, an emotional call to confirm my appointment for the ultrasound I met up with one of my wonderful sister in law's for dinner and a vent fest! It was sooooooo nice!! I spewed what I felt needed to be spewed and she listened and took it all in...whilst we enjoyed some amazing butter chicken...!!

We then hit Old Navy where she got some FANTASTIC news that friends of theirs who have been through some very difficult times had their baby last night. We were so happy for them! Such a blessing and the exact bit of amazing news that made our night even greater...so as we left the mall she looked at me and said "tomorrow during your ultrasound, remember this happy feeling..."

Then later that night the head hits the pillow and the mind starts a goin'...and going, and going...

Sleep finally came but was everything but restful...I was pretty much a wreck this morning, stomach was churning, the whole nine...but I did manage to still enjoy my coffee and a bagel (that's how I roll).

Dropped kids at school, wonderful mother in law came to watch the little man while we made our way to the appointment. Mike tried his best to keep my mind off of it but I don't think I said one word the whole time.

Enter waiting room, check in, wait, wait some more, cry a little (or a lot, cause that's also how I roll), then she called my name....

As she is doing her thing with my neck I start to panic because she is typing things on her keyboard on my RIGHT side and there was never anything over there, is there now? What's she doing? (heart racing like crazy). She asks if I'm ok and I give her the "oh ya, I'm fine"...NOT!! She proceeds to the left side of my neck and I wait...more typing, more searching, more typing...I'm about to pass out at this point...and I pray...and pray...

Then she says "Well, the results will go back to your doctor but everything looks good"...silence...crickets...WHAT DID YOU SAY?? I follow up with "Are you sure you looked all over the place, like up here?" (pointing to where I thought I felt a lump)...

Bless her heart, she goes over AGAIN for my sanity the place I was talking about and said "Yep, you have lymphnodes, we all have lymphnodes (duh) and I see three of them" (to which she proceeded to count them as she found them again)..."and they look fine"

I then turn into a puddle on the floor thanking her so much for giving me good news and apologizing for being a complete basket case. She was sooo amazing and said "I don't blame you one bit for reacting like this, you've been through a lot. The important thing is to keep coming back to get an ultrasound EVERY year. This year it's good news"

I walk back into the waiting room to Mike and cry my face off, HAPPY tears and the stress is GONE!! I can't even begin to explain how relieved I felt...

Today was a GREAT day! Bring on Christmas!

Friday is a coming...

and although this is usually a super awesome happy day for everyone, I, my friends, have an ultrasound of my neck...

Now it's time for me to be real with all of you...I am FULLY expecting them to find something in this ultrasound...not because I "feel" like they will, or because I'm "waiting for the ball to drop", but because I have swollen lymph glands under my chin and a lump nearby...

So...what do we do with this information? Well, we go for an ultrasound...and a couple weeks ago I was an absolute WRECK at the mere thought of this appointment but now I have done some digging (Google, cause that's how I roll), some soul searching, some venting and crying, and a lot of praying, and am now at peace with it. If they find something then we'll deal with it...WE will deal with it. I have to get out of this "I'm in this alone" mindset and lean on all of the amazing people in my life.

Am I still a little worried?? Of course, but I know that I have been through all of this before and I can do it again. Beyond that I don't know what else to say...I just needed to let you know that this is what is coming up and this is what's on my mind!

T

Random emotional thought day

This is the place where I can just open up and talk right? Ok...today was an interesting day and turned out to be a very emotionally draining day and I didn't even realize it happened until about 10 minutes ago when my body just decided ENOUGH and it seems to be forcing me into an early bedtime (which is so not like me).

Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.

An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???

Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...

I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...

...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!

Thanks for listening...

Breaking it down...one neurotic step at a time!

This time of year brings to mind many things for many people...Christmas shopping and gift giving, family gathering plans, prepping for the upcoming winter, sugar plums dancing in your heads, etc...you know, the whole nine yards...

Along with all these things I am made to think about my yearly cancer follow up with my endocrinologist, who gets a bit of a laugh out of me because I seem to avoid him (or any doctor right now for that matter) like the plague and he always makes sure he follows up with me because he's afraid he won't hear from me again if he doesn't...

Each year I think these follow ups will get easier...but they don't...each year I try to channel the most positive of thoughts and actually walk into that appointment with a smile and leave with a smile...but it doesn't seem to happen...I might actually be giving the good doctor a complex as it seems that the mere sight of him can make me turn into a puddle of tears...

This year I am trying to tell myself that I can actually walk into the ultrasound without someone holding my shaking hand in the waiting room...but I don't think I can, or want to...besides I have an amazing CC (Cancer Companion) who is always there making these things a little easier so why do these things alone?

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things in regards to how I've changed since this has become my new reality and why I act certain ways towards certain things or fly off the handle over something that may appear to anyone else as being so insignificant and small but has blown up into a disaster for me...

Every little thing means something different now...I find that I have a new outlook on life and want to do things differently, but get frustrated because I don't know where to start or have enough time to finish something...there are so many things that I want to accomplish (big and small) that I panic when I don't feel like I have enough time...I want to travel with my family and watch my children experience things in case I don't have the TIME in the future...everything has come down to time lately and this has it's ups and downs...

Everytime I have to clear my throat I automatically think that my cancer has come back...every time I feel a twang anywhere in my body, I think my cancer has returned in a different area...this jump starts my mind into telling myself that you better hurry up and get some stuff accomplished on that TO DO list before you find yourself in the hospital for more treatment or something. I don't know how to sort through these thoughts and I don't even really know how to accurately explain them to people which frustrates me even more at times.

I am struggling to find what my normal pace of life is supposed to be now. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on things and what I am getting done, but then I will panic over where I left my crochet magazines, cause where oh where could they be, why is this place such a mess, why can't I find anything, I just want to find my magazines, I just saw them, freaking right out, crying, panic rising....CRAZY right??? Thank God for my amazing husband who hasn't given up on me yet and committed me because of my outbursts.

Some people I'm sure would tell me that I need to enjoy life and stop trying to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the time it feels like RIGHT NOW is all the time I've got and there's so much that I want to do that I don't want to waste a minute...I find that I am trying to enjoy life TOO much, if that makes any sense...there's so much that I still want to do that I am trying to do it and see it and make those memories with everyone in my life while I'm feeling good!! On the days that I do convince myself to take some time and relax all I think about is the stuff I could be getting done and then I feel like I've wasted time.

I want to feel like I am contributing something special to people's lives...this is where my crochet comes in...I've always enjoyed crocheting, I've always enjoyed making things for people, but now it means something so much more...my crocheting has become an outlet for me in a way I can't really put into words and being able to make hats, blankets, toys, etc. for people brings me an incredible calmness and crazyness all at the same time...like if I could hurry up and crochet something for everyone in my life then they would know how much they mean to me and would have something to hopefully treasure from ME if I'm ever not here physically...

I have read that this behaviour is quite common in cancer survivors because we are trying so desperately to find some sort of normal again outside of doctor's appointments, treatments, follow ups, etc. that we have to put all of our heart and soul into something else...

I have been fooling myself for the last couple years into believing that I am the same person I used to be and that I could just sail back into my previous reality unscathed. Things mean MORE to me now...relationships MEAN more to me now which explains why I seem to panic when I notice changes that could very well be a natural progression of that relationship but I get frustrated when I don't have the POWER to keep it the same (why don't we talk as much anymore, why don't we see eachother as much anymore, etc)...TIME means everything to me now...

So as this year's follow up ultrasound and blood tests approach, I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's always in the back of your head that if you let your guard down, even just a little bit, THAT is when they will tell you more bad news...so when people ask me how I'm doing my response is ALWAYS "So far, so good", not "Great, couldn't be better", not "EXCELLENT" because a recurrence is always in the back of my mind...but this, my friends is all a part of...

MY NEW NORMAL...and I should probably suck it up and get used to it right?

Thanks for listening...it means so very much!!

Ferguson Daily Deed

A couple of months ago I decided to implement a simple concept in our house and called it the Ferguson Daily Deed. I wrote out the days of the week on our whiteboard and started picking one thing to put beside every day of the week. Something that seriously needs to be done or organized in the house with the hopes that if ONE thing got done each day it would help with the harmony in the house. So we were really diligent...for the first little bit...and then...it..all...slowly...STOPPED!

Really we always seem to have the best of intentions and then it all seems to head south. Well, tonight I have started up the ol' Ferguson Daily Deed board once again. Tonight it was the pantry...blahhhhh!!! I was tired of not being able to close the door, have boxes and boxes of stuff on the floor, stuff just thrown in there and balanced precariously on something else...etc, etc...

I threw out so much stuff it was truly unbelievable.It's amazing how fantastic I feel knowing that SOMETHING was completed today around the house. After I expressed my relief today to Mike he said it made him happy too since a happy Mommy/Tracy is a happy household. LOL

My recycling bin in the back is now full and I have a functional pantry once again....oh and guess what?? I found a rogue soother buried along with the 2nd cordless phone that has been missing for at least the past 18 months....!!!!!

I would have taken a pic of the before and after, but I seem to have misplaced my camera  :S
Guess we'll have to add "search for camera" onto the list of this week's daily deeds!!

It's all about the baby steps my friends and I am trying my best to make the chaos in this house all come together!

We have a 5 year old in the HOUSE!!

If you know anything about me, you will know that I love birthdays!! Not just mine, but EVERYONE'S! I feel that no matter what your age, just being here and living life is reason to celebrate! That, and we all need at least ONE day a year to have the focus on them. I truly believe that I love birthdays so much because my Mom always made sure my brother and I had great parties. We didn't have to do much, she just made sure we got to have some friends over and a cake and a good time! No matter what was happening in her life or in our house, birthdays were never overlooked. I told myself a long time ago that I would be the same way (yes, sometimes we WANT to be like our Moms ;)

Today was Miss R's 5th birthday! She was super excited and so we had some dinner after we got home from work, had a quick visit with Grandpa, then headed to the mall to surprise her with a Build-a-Bear trip! They were FANTASTIC there! They made her a badge for her birthday, gave her oodles of attention and then sang her a great song (as she buried her face in Daddy's leg). We walked away with a very happy birthday girl with her new bear on her back and decided to pick up some cupcakes from the Buttercream Bake Shoppe kiosk in the middle of the mall (you do what you have to do for the sake of the children). We then went over to Gramma's for a tea and cupcake and came home. Nothing too crazy, but we always make sure the kids do something little on their actual birthday!

I can't believe she's already 5 and out of all of my kids she is the one that I feel is growing up the fastest. It also freaks me out that she is a mini ME!! Yikes! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is so much fun and full of life and has such an amazing personality.

SUCCESS!

Last May I blogged about the dreaded subject of weight loss where I mentioned that this was an ongoing battle (as it is for a lot of us) and how I could think of every excuse NOT to get into shape but was obviously never motivated enough to actually DO something about it.

Well, this past April I (along with some major encouragement from an amazing friend) decided that enough was enough and made the leap to join Weight Watchers at work. Figured, hey, why not? I have had NO success on my own so how about I learn from the professionals on how to eat properly. I promised myself that I would only focus on one thing at a time, and not get overwhelmed with having to stick to a new eating regime AND getting into a structured exercise schedule. What did I choose to focus on first? FOOD obviously! I had to learn how to evaluate my relationship with food and why I wasn't losing weight (besides the obvious full bag of chips on a very regular basis) and what I had to do about that. This journey has been HARD! Some days way more than others, and I have to say that if it wasn't for my fab friend at work I wouldn't have gotten this far! She has kicked my butt whenever I get frustrated and has praised me when I needed to hear it. We have been real with eachother and I am so very thankful for our partnership through this!

So far I have lost 22 pounds and feeling amazing! I am now smaller than I have been since before I had any of my children and that is coming up to 10 years in January! WOW!! I can't say that I have conquered the battle with food but I am now better equipped to deal with cravings and know that if I lose control (which I often do) I know how to get back on track! The bottom line is....I needed to get to the point where I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted the food!

This now leads me to my next challenge...EXERCISE! There are very obvious reasons to exercise. It's good for you, will aid in weight loss but one of the MAJOR reasons for me is that it can help in fighting any recurrences of cancer. I have read quite a few articles and listened to a lot of stories lately outlining that exercise can actually reduce the chance of cancers coming back. Sign a girl up! The U of C recently opened up a gym for cancer patients and cancer survivors free of charge for this very reason! AMAZING!

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a year and guess what??? It's SOOOOO much easier to run when you are 22 pounds lighter! Go figure! I have always been an off and on kind of runner. Sure I've done some races but did I really enjoy it?? Not really...except the finishing part!! But I'm thinking that now that I've achieved the weight loss part of this adventure and I'm feeling better about myself as a person I can now actually believe in myself to achieve a fitness goal beyond a 5 or 10 km race.

GOALS: I never really understood goals. Not to the point where you actually put a time limit on yourself to achieve something. I was all about the "one day I would like to do that" frame of mind. But I now realize that without that deadline you either just forget about it or FAIL. So now my SIL (goal setter extraordinaire) and I are going to team up and keep the motivation going and be eachother's "Jiminy Crickets" if you will and work towards the Calgary Half Marathon in May.

One NEEDS goals...something to look forward to...something to keep you interested in what you are doing...BRING IT ON!

I would like to introduce you to...

My ADDICTION! I realize that I may need help, but the good thing is that I recognize this fact and am willing to accept it and work with it...
So, I have been crocheting for a while now. I have started, gone hard, then stopped cold, sometimes for YEARS...then I'll pick it up again and on goes the cycle. So, as I have wandered through this world, STUMBLING upon sales here and there, stores closing their doors resulting in BLOWOUT prices, what, I ask you is a girl (who is apparently addicted to yarn) supposed to do?? Just walk by and pretend that I didn't see that cotton on for $1 a ball, or some baby yarn that would be PERFECT for "something" later?? No no my friends, I have been BUYING it...for years!

As a result I would like you to see first hand what kind of situation we (or I) am dealing with...

Please meet THE STASH (3/4 of it anyway...the rest I have to dig out)


I know right??? Those see through under the bed containers are 39.5 x 29.25 inches big and 7.5 inches deep, I have an entire rubbermaid upstairs still full of more BIG skeins of yarn and yes folks, that wicker laundry basket is FULL!!

Now, what I am going to do with all of this you might be asking yourself?? I definitely don't have a shortage of items that I want to crochet or a shortage of the yarn to complete them with, it's simply a matter of trying to figure out where to start!

Here's the deal...I've kind of developed a challenge for myself. I am going to TRY my best to use up all of this yarn INSTEAD of going out and getting more. If I do go out and buy anymore then I have to use up the same amount of balls when I get home!

First up...I will be starting my next project with these guys...


They will be a big checkerboard for my kids to play with...so CUTE!

Let the games begin...Have a great night!

Aaaarrrrggghhhh!!!

That pretty much sums it up with my blog tonight! What contributed to this feeling? Something silly like my counter at the bottom of my page stopped working! So frustrating. All of a sudden it disappeared and I had to add another one so it reset my hits....Grrrrr!!

It's very clear that I have a LOT to learn about the blogging world or just the design of it! There are so many things you can do or add it gets darn right overwhelming. I did figure out how to add Text lists to it so I put up the beginning of my crafty wanna do/complete lists. Trying to teach this old dog new tricks!

If anyone has anything they think would be helpful with blogging design or whatever, please HELP!!

Thanks for listening to my silly little rant...

Back in Action

Hello my peeps!!! I am going to try and try to blog, blog, blog! I am going to mix it up a bit and do what I do best....speak my mind, share my life and maybe throw some crafty-ness in there. Of course my relationship with the bad "C" word will always be there, the elephant in the room, and I will share my trials and tribulations through all of that cause let's face it....I need to talk through it, and you all give me a place to do that. But, I have decided to let my cancer be a part of my past and not allow it do define who I am or impede upon my dreams or future goals...cause then the cancer wins...

Onward and upward my friends! This has been a very busy year, full of amazing things and brand new adorable members of our family which I have been very busy with so there's never a shortage of things to chat about!!

As we approach the wonderful month of October (my fave) we are staring at the crazy birthday, anniversary, Thanksgiving season so let the FUN begin!!!

The Cousins

When I was growing up I barely saw my cousins and when I did, it was usually only for a couple days and then who knows when we would be together again. I love them dearly but we just didn't get to know eachother like we should have. Because of this it has become VERY important to me to have my children grow up and connect with their cousins.

Rachel CONSTANTLY asks for her cousin Sienna. They are 2 peas in a pod, BFF's all the way...and they haven't been able to see eachother in a few weeks so they start to go a little squirrely to say the least. My sister in law and I had a brain fart to Skype tonight so they could talk to eachother and it was SO much fun! The excitement and the giggling was pretty cute and I am so glad they have eachother!

COUSINS...what an amazing relationship!

I GOT THE POWER!!

Week 2 of the lunch hour workouts is in full swing and I was TERRIFIED of the class today...Metabolic Conditioning...good times! They pretty much make you do a ridiculous amount of cardio combined with weight training and it will kick your body into full on fat burning mode for about 36 hours afterwards!! I am ALL over that part of it, but wasn't sure if I would be able to walk myself back to my office after the class.

But my lovely friend Tacy and I rocked it out for sure!!! We conquered that class and need to feel really good about it right now because come tomorrow morning we KNOW that the class will have taken all of the pride from us! And we still have 2 MORE classes this week. I figure by the time Saturday morning hits I am going to be a pile of goo that won't be able to move out of her bed. But I know my WONDERFUL husband will wake up with the kids and let me rest my muscles in the comfort of my nice warm bed... :)

But all in all, I am feeling pretty good. Now if only I could get the snacking thing under control...hmmmm, guess I need to find the old will power to accomplish that task! I am trying not to change EVERYTHING right away because I honestly believe that has contributed to my downfall in the past. There is such a thing called "Too much too soon". We all get overly motivated and immediately want to change everything really quickly and if you are like me, expect results IMMEDIATELY!!! This is so not the case and it takes a ton of work...but results are possible and I just have to keep reminding myself of that!

So, I will continue to dominate my workouts and keep crossing them off my schedule in my office as a little "YAY Me" and move onto the snacking in a little bit...

Lesson of the Day

DON'T SLEEP IN A TODDLER BED!! This should be a no brainer on any given day, but the things we do for our children and to keep them out of our own beds so that our spouses can sleep is really amazing! Caleb woke up last night and instead of bringing him into our bed I just crawled (sort of) into his with him. The rest of the night was both of us banging our heads, arms and legs on hard plastic edges of his car shaped toddler bed which resulted in a BRUTAL sleep for Mom! But at least he didn't win by getting to be in our bed right?? HA! Somehow I still think I'm the big loser in this one! Oh what a sight it must have been to see my legs hanging off the end of it and balancing ever so carefully on the side of it to make sure I didn't disturb his sleep in any way. LOL. As I'm typing this it seems funnier and funnier...ah well, I guess it will be one for the memory books!

Started the crazy exercise classes at work today and boy oh boy the lesson to be learned there is that if you ever need the motivation to get your butt moving, ALWAYS stand in front of the mirrored wall and watch yourself bounce and jiggle in a way that is so not natural it isn't even funny! Wow, what an eye opening experience that was!! LOL. It was like a train wreck...it was horrible but you just can't stop looking in disbelief! But it prevented me from snacking the rest of the afternoon so that's a victory in itself!

Can't wait to do it all again tomorrow...minus the sleeping in the toddler bed...not recommended at all!!

Miracles do happen my friends...

...and the miracle that happened to us today was that we actually went to Costco tonight and only bought what we NEEDED!!! I know right? Give ourselves a pat on the back and all that jazz! I was uber impressed with us. The store was pretty much a ghost town, the kids were angels and they got to run some stink off as we accomplished what we set out to do! It just doesn't get much better than that people!! Sometimes it's the little things that make the day so much better!! That and the fact that Mike's back to come along to the store with me with all the kids. That definitely brings my stress level right down.

Like I said in an earlier post...I have a great feeling about this year. Priorities have shifted and so has my outlook on wants vs. needs and I am noticing how much more relaxed I'm becoming...slowly...but it's progress and that's all that matters this early in the new year's game!

Starting tomorrow I am doing an exercise class in my office building over the lunch hours so there is no longer any excuses as to why I'm not fitting in any physical activity. When I get home at night I am so busy doing a million things that there just isn't any time so I figure if I can get it all done over lunch then I'm golden!! I also have a pretty awesome workout partner who will drag me down to that room kicking and screaming if she has to, so that's some pretty great motivation.

Costco miracles, new way of thinking, new goals (or recycled ones from years before)...pretty great start and tons to look forward to...but we're only on day 4! LOL

Oh, and on a side note...another miracle for today is that I've actually done 3 blog posts in a row. WHOO HOO!!!

Life...so many decisions to make...

If only there was a REAL thing called the Easy Button! Life is just so hard to figure out and to know which route to take. I had a few conversations today with my sister in law, a mom of one of my daughter's friends and of course, myself about a decision that I have been thinking about for a very, very, exhaustingly long time....STAYING HOME...

Mike and I always knew that it wouldn't even be an option until he was all done his schooling and has a full time job. Well, that was 4 years ago and now he is embarking on his last year of school and the reality of actually being able to stay home is smacking me in the face. Part of me really likes my job, my company and the people I work with. I consider myself to be very lucky in that respect. But a larger part of me is so tired of the commute downtown, the rat race, rushing around for dinner and not being able to spend a ton of quality time with my kids. Everything always feels so crazy and ridiculous and I feel like I'm ripping myself and my kids off!

Many factors come into play of course. I have medical coverage at my job and if I ever have to face the dreaded cancer again I know I will be covered for any time off I have to take. It also covers my yearly prescription which costs a small fortune. But I also don't want to give the possibility of cancer that much power to control the way I live my life. It's already taken so much of my time and energy. On the flip side, who knows how much time we have in this world and no one ever dies saying that they wished they would have worked more...

I never thought I would get to the point in my life where I would prefer to be at home, but I also think it's because it's never been an option for me in the past. I have always made my own money and am very happy with doing that so I will definitely have to do something on the side or very part time to bring in something but I am already trying to explore a few options to help me do that. But there's also the fear of quitting a great job that has me set up for retirement, savings and stock options which also benefit my kids and family in the long run and then things not working out the way we had hoped and I find myself having to look for another job...maybe I'm just over thinking it all???

Many people have told me "what's the point now? Your kids will pretty much all be in some sort of schooling by the time you are able to stay at home with them so why bother?" This fact is very true but I spoke with someone very wise today and she is the only one who has ever said this to me. She said "they need you just as much when they are older because that's when they can get into trouble and need a different type of guidance". I had honestly never thought of it that way because everyone puts so much emphasis on the first 5 years of life. So after all this it seems like a no brainer right? Then why am I experiencing such a fight over it? Because I'm scared to death of the unknown, I HATE change and despise leaving my comfort zone and not having a solid income of my own would definitely take me out of that area.

Bottom line - I want to be the one to drop them off, pick them up and hear all about their day...and the internal struggle continues...where's that EASY button when you need it??

2011 is here...and I have a 9 year old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011 is now upon us and today is Taylor's 9th birthday! Amazing! I told Mike yesterday that part of me can't believe that Taylor is already 9 years old, but then another part of me can't believe that she's ONLY 9 years old. Does that make sense?? It's because it feels like she's always been a part of our lives and it's hard to believe that it's only been the past 9 years that she's been here.

Anyways, what an amazing day! We hit the mall, grabbed some snow gear for Dad then went sledding!!!! Now for those of you who know about my "near death" experience (ok, not really) when I was sledding when I was 13 and I have NOT gone since. But...today was the end of my sledding strike! I figured I should no longer deny my children of something that I had SOOOOOO much fun doing when I was little so away we went! We just hit the hill down the street from us but it was more than enough for the maiden voyage!

The giggles and screams of joy along with the incredible amount of laughter was so heart warming I couldn't help but feel like a complete idiot and borderline horrible mother for not taking my kids out sledding earlier. We had such an amazing time that I can't wait to do it all over again! I guess it just goes to show that we should never put our fears onto our children...they need to experience life for themselves and come to their own conclusions!

As all birthdays go in this house (because I am a birthday NUT) we always have a family get together on their ACTUAL birthday! It really is my FAVE combination...a houseful of people AND a birthday...doesn't get much better than that! The kids have so much fun together it's incredible (loud, but incredible). I am so very thankful that we all live so close together and they can see eachother often. I grew up seeing my cousins once a year (if we were lucky) so I think it's absolutely fantastic that the kids can grow up together!

All in all it was a great day and a wonderful start to another new year. I actually have a different feeling about this year, and it's a good feeling!

Happy New Year everyone!