HUGE step for me

Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 4 months since my last round of blabbing...but here we go again!!

Over the past few months I have been struggling with a lot of things, most of which I have already discussed here with you such as depression, anger and a plethora of other emotions, but lately I have also been noticing that I am pretty much hating the world. I have been sticking close to very few friends and hiding away from many, many others that I used to spend a great deal of time with. It has been easier in my mind to become a hermit and avoid than to actually deal with people or situations around me.

This approach has actually backfired for me as it is affecting my ability to be a great Mom, Wife, Auntie, Sister, Daughter and Friend. All of these roles I am extremely proud of, but don't really seem to have the energy or zest for them like I used to...this is a very scary situation to be in. I have become resentful, angry, jealous of happy people because it is what I desperately want to be but don't know how to get there anymore.

If you recall I did see my doctor about some of these things but didn't follow up and AVOIDED what I knew I REALLY needed to do...and that would be taking advantage of the counselling services that they offer cancer patients at the Tom Baker Cancer Centre.

I got this from their website and I have pretty much every single issue they are describing:

Counselling can help you:
Cope with reactions to cancer

• Anger at having the disease
• Depression
• Fear of cancer
• Changes to your body
• Anxiety about treatment
• Fear of cancer coming back
• Anger at not getting clear answers
• Loss of control
• Feeling of guilt
• Wondering if life will ever seem normal again
• Grief or sadness

Address family issues

• Relationship or family counselling
• How the family can be supportive
• Changes in roles within your family
• Talking with children

Confront practical issues

• Reorganize finances

• Plan how to raise issues with your doctor
• Plan how to talk to your employer and co-workers
• Solve transportation/ accommodation problems
• Obtain information

Explore personal issues

• Assess relationships, career, or leisure pursuits
• Clarify values, goals and priorities
• Make the most of your life

Sounds like a pretty great service right?? Why has it taken me 4 years since my diagnosis to finally pull my head out of my rear end?? Because addressing the above SCARES the crap out of me...more than you could imagine. Reliving all of these emotions is something that I was hoping I would never have to do again, but I also need to acknowledge how much cancer changed EVERY aspect of my life and tell myself that even after 4 years, I AM NOT OKAY!! I was hoping it would get better over time, but it has gotten worse to the point where I don't like being around very many people. Being social used to make me really happy and now I have to talk myself into going to gatherings and convincing myself to have a good time....this is exhausting and I am tired of hating the world around me...

I have taken steps to get myself out of my funk. I am running again with some fabulous people at work, and doing exercises at home daily before bed. Eating better has improved things also, and I am finally starting to feel good about myself on the outside, but it's the inside that needs serious work now.

Today I called the cancer centre and gave them some information. They are now going to draw up a referral and my counsellor will call me to set up an appointment...time to get my life back! Time to be happy again and not resent people around me!

Thanks for continuing to be an amazing support group for me.