Yep, that's right, this may come as a complete shock to you (haha, or not) that I tend to think of something and before the thought has even had time to form completely I have already dreamed up the most catastrophic ending...insert explanation here...
As the years have gone by I think that slowly I am getting better at dealing with the impending November event known as the Cancer Follow-up (must think of catchier title) but the fact still remains is that I dread it...more than I dread pretty much anything.
My therapist asked me what kinds of things go through my head when I even THINK about sending the e-mail to Mr. Cancer Doctor to start the process of bloodwork, ultrasound, injections, etc. The first thing I said was, "This is the year that they are going to find something, this is the year that it comes back, this is it..." Before I have even clicked on the "compose email" button I already have it figured out in my head and in one of the most negative ways...so how do we deal with this, because we both came to the realization that a) it needs to be done and b) that is not the most healthy way to approach it.
He had a brilliant idea, and one that I have already been applying to the rest of my life to deal with my anxiety issues, I just didn't think about putting it into practice when it came to the cancer follow ups.
First things first...chunk the "process" into stages and FORCE yourself to deal with ONE of them at a time...don't let your brain wander and get carried away to the dark side! So, first step...write an e-mail to Cancer Doctor..don't over think it, just write the e-mail...takes 2 minutes. Of course getting the courage up to even do that took almost a full week but I am happy to say that I took his advice and just kept telling myself over and over "it's only an e-mail...it's just an e-mail...that's it" and managed to bang out a quick message to my doctor to get things going for 2012.
Of course the next step to deal with would be the emotions that come into play when I even see Cancer Doctor's name appear in my inbox and my stomach goes into my throat...but I just opened it up, read that he will be sending me the requisitions and completed that stage of the game (check, check)
Next up...dragging some poor (yet fabulously amazing) co-worker(s) to the lab downtown to make sure I don't bail on giving them my blood. I will conquer that first and then move onto the next step which I am already trying really hard not to think about. This seems super simple to most people, and it probably is for a lot of people, but it is taking me a great deal of discipline to stop my train wreck of a brain from going on overload!
It has helped lower my anxiety a ton about the whole process and am I still scared?? ABSOLUTELY, but I know that it needs to be done and by chunking it into manageable parts I feel like I have more control over everything.
After all...it's just an e-mail right?? :)
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Lots going on!!
Hello peeps! Long time no chit chat! Well there's been a lot going on!
First things first, I didn't have to go Hypothyroid after all since I found some of the elusive meds at the hospital pharmacy so that was a relief! But silly me decided to do the injections on the Monday and Tuesday of the week of Good Friday...at first this wouldn't look like a big deal, but when you find out that there is only ONE lab open in the entire city on Good Friday it becomes an issue.
But I asked the specialist if it was at all possible to get my blood taken on the Thursday before and he was cool with that, so in the end it all worked out....but now that I think of it, he didn't call me with the results....so...I should probably call him....hmmm...
Onto the next topic! We have sold our house and are moving! Where exactly is still kind of in the air since we haven't walked into a house yet that has screamed TAKE ME!!!! So the search continues...but we are very excited about this next chapter in our lives.
I have a cousin who has been diagnosed with a very serious cancer and so I have been trying to wrap my mind around writing him a letter so that has been pre-occupying my mind lately in hopes that he will actually read it and also try to come up with something that might actually help him, even in a little way...the letter is now sent and if nothing else he will know that he is being thought of...
On the crafting front...it's been nothing but crickets, but I have managed to add to "THE STASH" at a charity yarn/fabric sale that was brought to my attention via the classified ads at work...needless to say it was somewhat of a gong show but my SIL and I managed to score some pretty great (and some not so great) stuff for super cheap! Now to create!!!!
I will give my Dr. a call next week (maybe ;) and let you know what he says about my bloodwork!
Ciao for now!!
First things first, I didn't have to go Hypothyroid after all since I found some of the elusive meds at the hospital pharmacy so that was a relief! But silly me decided to do the injections on the Monday and Tuesday of the week of Good Friday...at first this wouldn't look like a big deal, but when you find out that there is only ONE lab open in the entire city on Good Friday it becomes an issue.
But I asked the specialist if it was at all possible to get my blood taken on the Thursday before and he was cool with that, so in the end it all worked out....but now that I think of it, he didn't call me with the results....so...I should probably call him....hmmm...
Onto the next topic! We have sold our house and are moving! Where exactly is still kind of in the air since we haven't walked into a house yet that has screamed TAKE ME!!!! So the search continues...but we are very excited about this next chapter in our lives.
I have a cousin who has been diagnosed with a very serious cancer and so I have been trying to wrap my mind around writing him a letter so that has been pre-occupying my mind lately in hopes that he will actually read it and also try to come up with something that might actually help him, even in a little way...the letter is now sent and if nothing else he will know that he is being thought of...
On the crafting front...it's been nothing but crickets, but I have managed to add to "THE STASH" at a charity yarn/fabric sale that was brought to my attention via the classified ads at work...needless to say it was somewhat of a gong show but my SIL and I managed to score some pretty great (and some not so great) stuff for super cheap! Now to create!!!!
I will give my Dr. a call next week (maybe ;) and let you know what he says about my bloodwork!
Ciao for now!!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Hypothyroid anyone?
I have been trying to track down a drug called Thyrogen. This would be the astronomically expensive injections that would put my body into a hypothyroid state without all the nasty side effects and allow me to continue my regular meds while I get my bloodwork done. But alas, it is no where to be found because of a MAJOR shortage nationwide. Good times...NOT!
Now what? Well, the only other option is to stop taking my thyroid meds for 3 weeks, and then go for my bloodwork. I have never been off my meds before so I'm pretty freaked out since it sounds like being hypothyroid is all kinds of brutal with things like headaches, puffyness, tiredness, the shakes, mood swings (more so than normal LOL) and the list goes on! I think Dr. C described it as "feeling like you've been hit by a truck". It also looks like the symptoms can vary greatly from person to person so here's to hoping that it's a little more on the bearable side and not the unbearable side, cause with working full time and a very busy family at home it could be ridiculous in this house over the next 3 weeks!
I am warning you all in advance and thank you for your patience :)
If nothing else, it's another adventure and at least I'll know how my body reacts if I ever have to do it again.
Now what? Well, the only other option is to stop taking my thyroid meds for 3 weeks, and then go for my bloodwork. I have never been off my meds before so I'm pretty freaked out since it sounds like being hypothyroid is all kinds of brutal with things like headaches, puffyness, tiredness, the shakes, mood swings (more so than normal LOL) and the list goes on! I think Dr. C described it as "feeling like you've been hit by a truck". It also looks like the symptoms can vary greatly from person to person so here's to hoping that it's a little more on the bearable side and not the unbearable side, cause with working full time and a very busy family at home it could be ridiculous in this house over the next 3 weeks!
I am warning you all in advance and thank you for your patience :)
If nothing else, it's another adventure and at least I'll know how my body reacts if I ever have to do it again.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
March it is...
Good evening! First of all let me just acknowledge my epic fail for blogging the past month. But anywhoo, onward and upward my friends. There's really no excuse besides the fact that I can be a bit of a procrastinator.
On with what's happening with me and my journey...at the beginning of February I had my annual meeting with my endocrinologist Dr. B, or the physician otherwise known as Cancer Doctor. Mike and I went to see him and he informed us that my ultrasound came back clear, my bloodwork was great and right where he wants it and if I was any other thyroid cancer patient he would let me off the hook and call it a day with me...GREAT NEWS RIGHT???
Wait a second...here's the kicker! Because I didn't just have your run of the mill papillary thyroid cancer I am a bit of an exception to the rule he says...if you recall (and I seriously don't think you would) I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer Tall Cell Variant. Because of this variant which is known to be a little on the tricky side and unpredictable he isn't dropping me from his doctor roster just yet.
What's up next??? Thyrogen injections once again. This means I get to try and track down this IMPOSSIBLE drug from somewhere and pay a BILLION dollars for it (thank goodness for benefits) and have it injected into me twice. Thyrogen has been on a massive shortage for a very long time and therefore very difficult to get. If I don't get this drug, the alternative would be to take myself off my Synthroid (fake thyroid) for 3 weeks which would result in me probably feeling like I have been run over, again and again by a MAC truck.
WHY in the world do I have to do this?? Because we need to see if there are any pesky thyroid cells left lingering in my body that could turn into cancer again...by getting the injections it would immediately raise my levels to where they would need to be to get an accurate Thyroglobulin reading to see if there are any detectable cells lurking...without the side effects. But I might not have a choice but to feel like complete junk and completely useless because I am having ZERO luck with tracking down this drug...but the upside I guess would be it would give me an excuse to just lay around and sleep since I probably won't be able to do much else :)
If the bloodwork comes back from this with a detectable thyroglobulin level then he really wants me to go for an MRI to see what we can find...yippee eh?? Ya, not so much! If you think I freaked out with the ultrasound of my neck, stay tuned folks cause you ain't seen nothing yet! LOL
So, now that you are all up to speed on the thyroid cancer situation, I have also made a decision to stop striking against the medical profession and have booked a physical! WHOO HOO!! This may not seem like a massive thing to many, but it really is a positive step in healing for me!
Never a dull moment my friends...never...thanks for stopping by!
On with what's happening with me and my journey...at the beginning of February I had my annual meeting with my endocrinologist Dr. B, or the physician otherwise known as Cancer Doctor. Mike and I went to see him and he informed us that my ultrasound came back clear, my bloodwork was great and right where he wants it and if I was any other thyroid cancer patient he would let me off the hook and call it a day with me...GREAT NEWS RIGHT???
Wait a second...here's the kicker! Because I didn't just have your run of the mill papillary thyroid cancer I am a bit of an exception to the rule he says...if you recall (and I seriously don't think you would) I was diagnosed with Papillary Thyroid Cancer Tall Cell Variant. Because of this variant which is known to be a little on the tricky side and unpredictable he isn't dropping me from his doctor roster just yet.
What's up next??? Thyrogen injections once again. This means I get to try and track down this IMPOSSIBLE drug from somewhere and pay a BILLION dollars for it (thank goodness for benefits) and have it injected into me twice. Thyrogen has been on a massive shortage for a very long time and therefore very difficult to get. If I don't get this drug, the alternative would be to take myself off my Synthroid (fake thyroid) for 3 weeks which would result in me probably feeling like I have been run over, again and again by a MAC truck.
WHY in the world do I have to do this?? Because we need to see if there are any pesky thyroid cells left lingering in my body that could turn into cancer again...by getting the injections it would immediately raise my levels to where they would need to be to get an accurate Thyroglobulin reading to see if there are any detectable cells lurking...without the side effects. But I might not have a choice but to feel like complete junk and completely useless because I am having ZERO luck with tracking down this drug...but the upside I guess would be it would give me an excuse to just lay around and sleep since I probably won't be able to do much else :)
If the bloodwork comes back from this with a detectable thyroglobulin level then he really wants me to go for an MRI to see what we can find...yippee eh?? Ya, not so much! If you think I freaked out with the ultrasound of my neck, stay tuned folks cause you ain't seen nothing yet! LOL
So, now that you are all up to speed on the thyroid cancer situation, I have also made a decision to stop striking against the medical profession and have booked a physical! WHOO HOO!! This may not seem like a massive thing to many, but it really is a positive step in healing for me!
Never a dull moment my friends...never...thanks for stopping by!
Monday, January 23, 2012
One thing at a time
OK peeps! I have been doing a little soul searching lately resulting in ridiculous amounts of thoughts running through my head that I wish would just automatically record on something so I can write it out when I get home to share with everyone...but alas, until such a thing can be imbedded in one's brain I must go through all of my random thoughts one at a time...so bear with me...(not all in one blog post so DON'T WORRY!! LOL)
I haven't been too motivated lately to do pretty....much...anything...it's one of those things that it gets overwhelming trying to wrap your mind around ALL of the things that need to get done or that I want to get done so in the end VERY little gets done...even though I feel like I never stop moving...little bit here and there so a lot of things get started but not a whole lot gets completed! STORY OF MY LIFE!
I've had to be honest with myself about a lot of things and try to change the way I think about life, my attitude, my relationships with others, how I can't control a lot of things (which is very hard for me to grasp) and so on...but I need to focus on the things that I can control like how I react to people by not letting things get to me and taking them so personally that I start to think something is wrong with ME...and just let...it...GO!! So for 2012 I have to focus on busting out of my comfort zone and doing things to help my mental state cause I am EXHAUSTED!!
If you can recall, since my cancer diagnosis I have been trying to strike against any doctors whatsoever...is this healthy? NO, of course not, but it turned out to be one of the ways I dealt with it (or didn't deal with it). Although I have gone to all of my follow ups with my specialists I have moaned about each and every one of them (you know what I'm talking about, you read it ;)
I was angry at my family doctor because he was the poor man who had to walk into that room and tell me that I had cancer. But today I CHOSE to follow through with an appointment to go and see him to have a chat. After we had some honesty time together I realized just how NOT OK I am with stuff that has been happening in my life over the past 3.5 years....I have to find a way to enjoy life again and enjoy the things that used to make me happy...
So, that being said, I found a crochet dishcloth book that I have had for years with 99 patterns in it. I am going to set myself a goal to make 1 dishcloth a day until I have a schwackload of them. I've always wanted to do it so there's no time like the present! I know this may sound lame, but it's something small that I can start with...one little thing at a time :)
I haven't been too motivated lately to do pretty....much...anything...it's one of those things that it gets overwhelming trying to wrap your mind around ALL of the things that need to get done or that I want to get done so in the end VERY little gets done...even though I feel like I never stop moving...little bit here and there so a lot of things get started but not a whole lot gets completed! STORY OF MY LIFE!
I've had to be honest with myself about a lot of things and try to change the way I think about life, my attitude, my relationships with others, how I can't control a lot of things (which is very hard for me to grasp) and so on...but I need to focus on the things that I can control like how I react to people by not letting things get to me and taking them so personally that I start to think something is wrong with ME...and just let...it...GO!! So for 2012 I have to focus on busting out of my comfort zone and doing things to help my mental state cause I am EXHAUSTED!!
If you can recall, since my cancer diagnosis I have been trying to strike against any doctors whatsoever...is this healthy? NO, of course not, but it turned out to be one of the ways I dealt with it (or didn't deal with it). Although I have gone to all of my follow ups with my specialists I have moaned about each and every one of them (you know what I'm talking about, you read it ;)
I was angry at my family doctor because he was the poor man who had to walk into that room and tell me that I had cancer. But today I CHOSE to follow through with an appointment to go and see him to have a chat. After we had some honesty time together I realized just how NOT OK I am with stuff that has been happening in my life over the past 3.5 years....I have to find a way to enjoy life again and enjoy the things that used to make me happy...
So, that being said, I found a crochet dishcloth book that I have had for years with 99 patterns in it. I am going to set myself a goal to make 1 dishcloth a day until I have a schwackload of them. I've always wanted to do it so there's no time like the present! I know this may sound lame, but it's something small that I can start with...one little thing at a time :)
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Friday is a coming...
and although this is usually a super awesome happy day for everyone, I, my friends, have an ultrasound of my neck...
Now it's time for me to be real with all of you...I am FULLY expecting them to find something in this ultrasound...not because I "feel" like they will, or because I'm "waiting for the ball to drop", but because I have swollen lymph glands under my chin and a lump nearby...
So...what do we do with this information? Well, we go for an ultrasound...and a couple weeks ago I was an absolute WRECK at the mere thought of this appointment but now I have done some digging (Google, cause that's how I roll), some soul searching, some venting and crying, and a lot of praying, and am now at peace with it. If they find something then we'll deal with it...WE will deal with it. I have to get out of this "I'm in this alone" mindset and lean on all of the amazing people in my life.
Am I still a little worried?? Of course, but I know that I have been through all of this before and I can do it again. Beyond that I don't know what else to say...I just needed to let you know that this is what is coming up and this is what's on my mind!
T
Now it's time for me to be real with all of you...I am FULLY expecting them to find something in this ultrasound...not because I "feel" like they will, or because I'm "waiting for the ball to drop", but because I have swollen lymph glands under my chin and a lump nearby...
So...what do we do with this information? Well, we go for an ultrasound...and a couple weeks ago I was an absolute WRECK at the mere thought of this appointment but now I have done some digging (Google, cause that's how I roll), some soul searching, some venting and crying, and a lot of praying, and am now at peace with it. If they find something then we'll deal with it...WE will deal with it. I have to get out of this "I'm in this alone" mindset and lean on all of the amazing people in my life.
Am I still a little worried?? Of course, but I know that I have been through all of this before and I can do it again. Beyond that I don't know what else to say...I just needed to let you know that this is what is coming up and this is what's on my mind!
T
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Random emotional thought day
This is the place where I can just open up and talk right? Ok...today was an interesting day and turned out to be a very emotionally draining day and I didn't even realize it happened until about 10 minutes ago when my body just decided ENOUGH and it seems to be forcing me into an early bedtime (which is so not like me).
Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.
An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???
Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...
I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...
...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!
Thanks for listening...
Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.
An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???
Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...
I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...
...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!
Thanks for listening...
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