Hello, my name is Tracy and I'm a Catastrophizer!!

Yep, that's right, this may come as a complete shock to you (haha, or not) that I tend to think of something and before the thought has even had time to form completely I have already dreamed up the most catastrophic ending...insert explanation here...

As the years have gone by I think that slowly I am getting better at dealing with the impending November event known as the Cancer Follow-up (must think of catchier title) but the fact still remains is that I dread it...more than I dread pretty much anything.

My therapist asked me what kinds of things go through my head when I even THINK about sending the e-mail to Mr. Cancer Doctor to start the process of bloodwork, ultrasound, injections, etc. The first thing I said was, "This is the year that they are going to find something, this is the year that it comes back, this is it..." Before I have even clicked on the "compose email" button I already have it figured out in my head and in one of the most negative ways...so how do we deal with this, because we both came to the realization that a) it needs to be done and b) that is not the most healthy way to approach it.

He had a brilliant idea, and one that I have already been applying to the rest of my life to deal with my anxiety issues, I just didn't think about putting it into practice when it came to the cancer follow ups.

First things first...chunk the "process" into stages and FORCE yourself to deal with ONE of them at a time...don't let your brain wander and get carried away to the dark side! So, first step...write an e-mail to Cancer Doctor..don't over think it, just write the e-mail...takes 2 minutes. Of course getting the courage up to even do that took almost a full week but I am happy to say that I took his advice and just kept telling myself over and over "it's only an e-mail...it's just an e-mail...that's it" and managed to bang out a quick message to my doctor to get things going for 2012.

Of course the next step to deal with would be the emotions that come into play when I even see Cancer Doctor's name appear in my inbox and my stomach goes into my throat...but I just opened it up, read that he will be sending me the requisitions and completed that stage of the game (check, check)

Next up...dragging some poor (yet fabulously amazing) co-worker(s) to the lab downtown to make sure I don't bail on giving them my blood. I will conquer that first and then move onto the next step which I am already trying really hard not to think about. This seems super simple to most people, and it probably is for a lot of people, but it is taking me a great deal of discipline to stop my train wreck of a brain from going on overload!

It has helped lower my anxiety a ton about the whole process and am I still scared?? ABSOLUTELY, but I know that it needs to be done and by chunking it into manageable parts I feel like I have more control over everything.

After all...it's just an e-mail right??   :)

Explanation

I have been wondering for the past little while if everyone reading this blog is saying to themselves or to others "why is she telling us all this personal stuff ?...why doesn't she just keep it to herself?..."

My first issue is that I need to stop caring or worrying about what other people think, feel or say about me...whether they like me or not, if they're mad at me, why we don't talk much anymore and so on...cause at the end of the day, I can't make people like me. All I can be is myself and if that isn't someone's cup of tea then that's ok...

The reason I have chosen to write down everything for people to read is because that's how I get through things...I talk about them, think about them...write them down. It's good for my brain space. If I get it out of there then it's less noisy and easier to deal with other things. I by no means want people to think that I am just looking for attention or that I feel like I am any different than anybody else walking through this crazy journey called LIFE, but you have all been an amazing support to me for the past 4.5 years or longer and I want to continue to be honest with each of you.

This honesty path I have taken for the past couple of months has been extremely hard for me because I am facing and acknowledging things that I have long since pushed aside, pretending that they don't matter. That tactic hasn't been working very well so it's time to be REAL. I have been told for so long that I am strong...even when I don't feel strong. But naturally I would tell myself that if people think that I'm strong, then it must be true and so it was hard for me to show moments of weakness. I am now realizing that even the strongest people can have the weakest moments...and that's ok too.

I write this blog so you all know what's going on, so you can maybe get a glimpse of why I may have acted a certain way or reacted differently somehow. Behind all of the sarcasm and jokes there is some stuff happening and it shouldn't be something that has to be hidden from people or kept quiet. Life can be tough for everyone, but it makes it way more bearable at times if you have someone to chat with that you can trust or vent to someone and know they are truly listening to you.

All of this definitely doesn't give me an excuse for my behaviour sometimes but I am working on it and I thank you all for your patience, your support and most importantly, for listening :)

WIP (Work In Progress)

Therapy - Round 2

This time around it was easier walking through the front door but I wasn't quite prepared for the emotions that came out just by filling out a "how messed up are you" questionairre (for a lack of a better term) and a brief overview of my life experiences up to this point...

You think you get over things or move past them, but then you are asked to explain life to people in pretty great detail and quickly realize that there are just certain things that happen to you in life that have messed you right up and even though you THINK you have come to terms with them....you haven't. I had a few of those moments this week with my counsellors and they came to the conclusion that these feelings have been accumulating for years now and the cancer was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

How do we deal with this?? Who knows at this point, but they assured me that they will help me heal and also told me that even though people kept telling me to "get over it" and "let it go", I had EVERY RIGHT to be hanging on to certain feelings and resentments because I was and still am really hurt by people in my life that should have had my back. That would affect anyone. So although I am not excited about dealing with these parts of my life once again, I do admit that I have to face them and everyone who was involved and deal with it properly...because it's not just going to go away on it's own. I've been holding onto these feelings for so long now that I am looking forward to being free from them. What a weight that will be...

Therapy tidbit of the week: I was told that "Therapy will change me, which will in turn affect everyone around me. Sometimes these changes are positive for relationships and sometimes they aren't, depending on what you figure out about yourself and the people in your life."

I am looking forward to the change in me so I can be a better person and love myself...and hoping that any changes to my life relationships are all positive ones :)

Have a great Thanksgiving weekend everyone :)