Over the past few days/weeks/months I have been, well shall we say, less than pleasant to be around...I feel so sorry for my husband, children, friends and family because WOWZERS I have been quite the individual...
I have been battling with many demons internally and I have no idea how to kick them to the curb and get on with my life. I keep telling myself that I should be the happiest person in the world...I should have a new lease on life! But...I am angry, bitter and frankly out of control. I feel like my life is spiralling wildly and I seem to be successfully alienating everyone I hold dear from me. I don't quite know how to explain it, but I have this constant feeling that I am going to run out of time so I panic when there are things that need to be done around the house, with the kids, or with my marriage and aren't done RIGHT AWAY!! Then all I want to do is cry...and cry...and cry...but I don't...I get ANGRY! I am nasty to other people when I lose my keys or forget them in my jacket in Mike's truck!!! Naturally this is HIS fault because why didn't he check my coat in his truck for my keys before he left the house...geez!!! RIDICULOUS isn't it?? Clearly something is wrong with this situation...
My main reaction to this volcanic activity is to avoid as many people as possible and try to bury my head in the sand!! Ignore, ignore, ignore and all will be right with the world...right?? WRONG!! It gets worse!! Can you believe it?? All these nasty feelings get worse...and I just want to run away!!! But unfortunately for my family I can't run away from them so they are the lucky ones who get the brunt of most of it! Sad...
I have been telling myself "seriously you stupid woman, you should be ecstatic that you made it through cancer and are still here for your family...isn't that enough for you??" So why am I feeling like this?? Why isn't the world all sunshine and roses for me?
So I was driving home tonight, just me in my Grand Caravan listening to Country 105. I then decided to switch it over to the local Christian station Shine FM and it was their Focus on the Family Sunday night show. They were just starting their interview with a woman who had a serious bout of DEPRESSION 15 years ago...as she was telling her story and describing some of her symptoms a huge light when on!!! HELLO...she was describing me and the struggles and emotions I have been going through! Maybe I should have clued in earlier!!
Oh sure I've had depressing thoughts before but things always got better...they ebb and flow. That's the nature of humanity, especially being a woman!!! It comes with the territory. But this time it doesn't seem to be going anywhere and I find now that I am starting to distance myself from a whole bunch of people and things that I would normally love to surround myself with.
Anyways, so as this lady was talking to ME on the radio I said, "Wow, what are the chances of that happening??" This thought was quickly followed by "This wasn't a coincidence", followed by an "Ok Lord, I get it and I hear you."
This lady was also talking about how she has met women with depression who have been too ashamed to admit that they have it or that they are being treated for it or were in complete denial about them even possibly being a candidate for depression. I fall into the denial portion of these women and just firmly believed that I could control it and would rise above it all once my life calmed down a bit! Ha ha ha...it will never calm down!!
I realized tonight that I may not want to admit to anyone that I have depression, but who cares?? Big whoop! I would much rather admit that I have it and that I am willing to do something about it than continue on the path that I am on now, because the person that I am looking at in the mirror everyday is NOT someone I am proud of! I want to enjoy my kids now (even when Miss Rachel is still awake looking at me from across the room on the other couch telling me that she can't go to bed because her baby's still awake!) I don't want them growing up and remembering how angry I was all the time and how miserable I seemed. We all want our children to grow up saying "Yes, I had a great childhood"!
So...first step is admitting it right? So now we have to do something about it!! Time to go and see my lovely doctor again! I can't continue to let this consume me because I am starting to not even recognize who I am anymore...and that is just not acceptable!