Friday is a happy day once again :)

The anxiety has been building for some time now waiting for this day to come. I would be ok with it, and then I wouldn't, then I would, then...you get the point! That's a LOT of rollercoaster-ing with the emotions people! Absolutely exhausting!

Last night after a busy day at work, an emotional call to confirm my appointment for the ultrasound I met up with one of my wonderful sister in law's for dinner and a vent fest! It was sooooooo nice!! I spewed what I felt needed to be spewed and she listened and took it all in...whilst we enjoyed some amazing butter chicken...!!

We then hit Old Navy where she got some FANTASTIC news that friends of theirs who have been through some very difficult times had their baby last night. We were so happy for them! Such a blessing and the exact bit of amazing news that made our night even greater...so as we left the mall she looked at me and said "tomorrow during your ultrasound, remember this happy feeling..."

Then later that night the head hits the pillow and the mind starts a goin'...and going, and going...

Sleep finally came but was everything but restful...I was pretty much a wreck this morning, stomach was churning, the whole nine...but I did manage to still enjoy my coffee and a bagel (that's how I roll).

Dropped kids at school, wonderful mother in law came to watch the little man while we made our way to the appointment. Mike tried his best to keep my mind off of it but I don't think I said one word the whole time.

Enter waiting room, check in, wait, wait some more, cry a little (or a lot, cause that's also how I roll), then she called my name....

As she is doing her thing with my neck I start to panic because she is typing things on her keyboard on my RIGHT side and there was never anything over there, is there now? What's she doing? (heart racing like crazy). She asks if I'm ok and I give her the "oh ya, I'm fine"...NOT!! She proceeds to the left side of my neck and I wait...more typing, more searching, more typing...I'm about to pass out at this point...and I pray...and pray...

Then she says "Well, the results will go back to your doctor but everything looks good"...silence...crickets...WHAT DID YOU SAY?? I follow up with "Are you sure you looked all over the place, like up here?" (pointing to where I thought I felt a lump)...

Bless her heart, she goes over AGAIN for my sanity the place I was talking about and said "Yep, you have lymphnodes, we all have lymphnodes (duh) and I see three of them" (to which she proceeded to count them as she found them again)..."and they look fine"

I then turn into a puddle on the floor thanking her so much for giving me good news and apologizing for being a complete basket case. She was sooo amazing and said "I don't blame you one bit for reacting like this, you've been through a lot. The important thing is to keep coming back to get an ultrasound EVERY year. This year it's good news"

I walk back into the waiting room to Mike and cry my face off, HAPPY tears and the stress is GONE!! I can't even begin to explain how relieved I felt...

Today was a GREAT day! Bring on Christmas!

Friday is a coming...

and although this is usually a super awesome happy day for everyone, I, my friends, have an ultrasound of my neck...

Now it's time for me to be real with all of you...I am FULLY expecting them to find something in this ultrasound...not because I "feel" like they will, or because I'm "waiting for the ball to drop", but because I have swollen lymph glands under my chin and a lump nearby...

So...what do we do with this information? Well, we go for an ultrasound...and a couple weeks ago I was an absolute WRECK at the mere thought of this appointment but now I have done some digging (Google, cause that's how I roll), some soul searching, some venting and crying, and a lot of praying, and am now at peace with it. If they find something then we'll deal with it...WE will deal with it. I have to get out of this "I'm in this alone" mindset and lean on all of the amazing people in my life.

Am I still a little worried?? Of course, but I know that I have been through all of this before and I can do it again. Beyond that I don't know what else to say...I just needed to let you know that this is what is coming up and this is what's on my mind!

T

Random emotional thought day

This is the place where I can just open up and talk right? Ok...today was an interesting day and turned out to be a very emotionally draining day and I didn't even realize it happened until about 10 minutes ago when my body just decided ENOUGH and it seems to be forcing me into an early bedtime (which is so not like me).

Nothing earth shattering happened, just little things all day that all ended up in the dreaded CANCER word. First thing this morning as I boarded the elevator at work I overheard some women talking about how one lady's daughter's best friend's mom died yesterday morning of cancer......I can't even describe to you the disgusting, sinking feeling I felt hearing this. They then get off the elevator and carry on with their day....and so do I.

An hour or so later one of the lovely lawyers I work with gets an e-mail from her mom saying that a close family friend died of cancer earlier this week....ugh...when will this stop???

Lunch time comes and today is the monthly dim sum outing with a few of my co-workers...always a great time. Towards the end of lunch we get into the conversation about...you guessed it...CANCER...don't even know how that happened but we heard a story of a co-worker's journey through cancer when his Dad died from it 7 years ago. I have known this co-worker for the past 7.5 years and I have never heard the actual story behind it because no one ever wants to bring it up obviously...I wanted to cry just re-living it with him as he spoke...I asked him what kind of state of mind his Dad was in when he got the news that his cancer was terminal and he said about 2 weeks afterwards he asked to go outside and for the first time in his life he sat there and REALLY saw everything...he focused on birds, trees, sounds, smells, every little detail...

I then shared the story of my amazing friend Tracy who died 11 years ago at 23 years of age and how that affected my entire life...another co-worker shared how her Dad died of cancer when he was 32 years old and she was only 4...the only memory she has of him is him screaming in pain...how is this right?? None of this makes sense...

...emotional to say the least...when is this all going to end? Why can we spend so much time and money on ridiculous things in life like that darn "Peace" bridge (don't even get me started on that stupid piece of junk) or conducting studies on if women prefer facial hair on their men or not, and can't put all of those millions into finding a cure for even ONE of these cancers...just start with ONE!!!

Thanks for listening...

Breaking it down...one neurotic step at a time!

This time of year brings to mind many things for many people...Christmas shopping and gift giving, family gathering plans, prepping for the upcoming winter, sugar plums dancing in your heads, etc...you know, the whole nine yards...

Along with all these things I am made to think about my yearly cancer follow up with my endocrinologist, who gets a bit of a laugh out of me because I seem to avoid him (or any doctor right now for that matter) like the plague and he always makes sure he follows up with me because he's afraid he won't hear from me again if he doesn't...

Each year I think these follow ups will get easier...but they don't...each year I try to channel the most positive of thoughts and actually walk into that appointment with a smile and leave with a smile...but it doesn't seem to happen...I might actually be giving the good doctor a complex as it seems that the mere sight of him can make me turn into a puddle of tears...

This year I am trying to tell myself that I can actually walk into the ultrasound without someone holding my shaking hand in the waiting room...but I don't think I can, or want to...besides I have an amazing CC (Cancer Companion) who is always there making these things a little easier so why do these things alone?

Lately I have been thinking about a lot of things in regards to how I've changed since this has become my new reality and why I act certain ways towards certain things or fly off the handle over something that may appear to anyone else as being so insignificant and small but has blown up into a disaster for me...

Every little thing means something different now...I find that I have a new outlook on life and want to do things differently, but get frustrated because I don't know where to start or have enough time to finish something...there are so many things that I want to accomplish (big and small) that I panic when I don't feel like I have enough time...I want to travel with my family and watch my children experience things in case I don't have the TIME in the future...everything has come down to time lately and this has it's ups and downs...

Everytime I have to clear my throat I automatically think that my cancer has come back...every time I feel a twang anywhere in my body, I think my cancer has returned in a different area...this jump starts my mind into telling myself that you better hurry up and get some stuff accomplished on that TO DO list before you find yourself in the hospital for more treatment or something. I don't know how to sort through these thoughts and I don't even really know how to accurately explain them to people which frustrates me even more at times.

I am struggling to find what my normal pace of life is supposed to be now. Some days I feel like I have a good grasp on things and what I am getting done, but then I will panic over where I left my crochet magazines, cause where oh where could they be, why is this place such a mess, why can't I find anything, I just want to find my magazines, I just saw them, freaking right out, crying, panic rising....CRAZY right??? Thank God for my amazing husband who hasn't given up on me yet and committed me because of my outbursts.

Some people I'm sure would tell me that I need to enjoy life and stop trying to get everything done RIGHT NOW, but at the time it feels like RIGHT NOW is all the time I've got and there's so much that I want to do that I don't want to waste a minute...I find that I am trying to enjoy life TOO much, if that makes any sense...there's so much that I still want to do that I am trying to do it and see it and make those memories with everyone in my life while I'm feeling good!! On the days that I do convince myself to take some time and relax all I think about is the stuff I could be getting done and then I feel like I've wasted time.

I want to feel like I am contributing something special to people's lives...this is where my crochet comes in...I've always enjoyed crocheting, I've always enjoyed making things for people, but now it means something so much more...my crocheting has become an outlet for me in a way I can't really put into words and being able to make hats, blankets, toys, etc. for people brings me an incredible calmness and crazyness all at the same time...like if I could hurry up and crochet something for everyone in my life then they would know how much they mean to me and would have something to hopefully treasure from ME if I'm ever not here physically...

I have read that this behaviour is quite common in cancer survivors because we are trying so desperately to find some sort of normal again outside of doctor's appointments, treatments, follow ups, etc. that we have to put all of our heart and soul into something else...

I have been fooling myself for the last couple years into believing that I am the same person I used to be and that I could just sail back into my previous reality unscathed. Things mean MORE to me now...relationships MEAN more to me now which explains why I seem to panic when I notice changes that could very well be a natural progression of that relationship but I get frustrated when I don't have the POWER to keep it the same (why don't we talk as much anymore, why don't we see eachother as much anymore, etc)...TIME means everything to me now...

So as this year's follow up ultrasound and blood tests approach, I am trying my hardest to be positive but it's always in the back of your head that if you let your guard down, even just a little bit, THAT is when they will tell you more bad news...so when people ask me how I'm doing my response is ALWAYS "So far, so good", not "Great, couldn't be better", not "EXCELLENT" because a recurrence is always in the back of my mind...but this, my friends is all a part of...

MY NEW NORMAL...and I should probably suck it up and get used to it right?

Thanks for listening...it means so very much!!

Ferguson Daily Deed

A couple of months ago I decided to implement a simple concept in our house and called it the Ferguson Daily Deed. I wrote out the days of the week on our whiteboard and started picking one thing to put beside every day of the week. Something that seriously needs to be done or organized in the house with the hopes that if ONE thing got done each day it would help with the harmony in the house. So we were really diligent...for the first little bit...and then...it..all...slowly...STOPPED!

Really we always seem to have the best of intentions and then it all seems to head south. Well, tonight I have started up the ol' Ferguson Daily Deed board once again. Tonight it was the pantry...blahhhhh!!! I was tired of not being able to close the door, have boxes and boxes of stuff on the floor, stuff just thrown in there and balanced precariously on something else...etc, etc...

I threw out so much stuff it was truly unbelievable.It's amazing how fantastic I feel knowing that SOMETHING was completed today around the house. After I expressed my relief today to Mike he said it made him happy too since a happy Mommy/Tracy is a happy household. LOL

My recycling bin in the back is now full and I have a functional pantry once again....oh and guess what?? I found a rogue soother buried along with the 2nd cordless phone that has been missing for at least the past 18 months....!!!!!

I would have taken a pic of the before and after, but I seem to have misplaced my camera  :S
Guess we'll have to add "search for camera" onto the list of this week's daily deeds!!

It's all about the baby steps my friends and I am trying my best to make the chaos in this house all come together!

We have a 5 year old in the HOUSE!!

If you know anything about me, you will know that I love birthdays!! Not just mine, but EVERYONE'S! I feel that no matter what your age, just being here and living life is reason to celebrate! That, and we all need at least ONE day a year to have the focus on them. I truly believe that I love birthdays so much because my Mom always made sure my brother and I had great parties. We didn't have to do much, she just made sure we got to have some friends over and a cake and a good time! No matter what was happening in her life or in our house, birthdays were never overlooked. I told myself a long time ago that I would be the same way (yes, sometimes we WANT to be like our Moms ;)

Today was Miss R's 5th birthday! She was super excited and so we had some dinner after we got home from work, had a quick visit with Grandpa, then headed to the mall to surprise her with a Build-a-Bear trip! They were FANTASTIC there! They made her a badge for her birthday, gave her oodles of attention and then sang her a great song (as she buried her face in Daddy's leg). We walked away with a very happy birthday girl with her new bear on her back and decided to pick up some cupcakes from the Buttercream Bake Shoppe kiosk in the middle of the mall (you do what you have to do for the sake of the children). We then went over to Gramma's for a tea and cupcake and came home. Nothing too crazy, but we always make sure the kids do something little on their actual birthday!

I can't believe she's already 5 and out of all of my kids she is the one that I feel is growing up the fastest. It also freaks me out that she is a mini ME!! Yikes! But I wouldn't trade it for the world. She is so much fun and full of life and has such an amazing personality.

SUCCESS!

Last May I blogged about the dreaded subject of weight loss where I mentioned that this was an ongoing battle (as it is for a lot of us) and how I could think of every excuse NOT to get into shape but was obviously never motivated enough to actually DO something about it.

Well, this past April I (along with some major encouragement from an amazing friend) decided that enough was enough and made the leap to join Weight Watchers at work. Figured, hey, why not? I have had NO success on my own so how about I learn from the professionals on how to eat properly. I promised myself that I would only focus on one thing at a time, and not get overwhelmed with having to stick to a new eating regime AND getting into a structured exercise schedule. What did I choose to focus on first? FOOD obviously! I had to learn how to evaluate my relationship with food and why I wasn't losing weight (besides the obvious full bag of chips on a very regular basis) and what I had to do about that. This journey has been HARD! Some days way more than others, and I have to say that if it wasn't for my fab friend at work I wouldn't have gotten this far! She has kicked my butt whenever I get frustrated and has praised me when I needed to hear it. We have been real with eachother and I am so very thankful for our partnership through this!

So far I have lost 22 pounds and feeling amazing! I am now smaller than I have been since before I had any of my children and that is coming up to 10 years in January! WOW!! I can't say that I have conquered the battle with food but I am now better equipped to deal with cravings and know that if I lose control (which I often do) I know how to get back on track! The bottom line is....I needed to get to the point where I wanted to be healthy more than I wanted the food!

This now leads me to my next challenge...EXERCISE! There are very obvious reasons to exercise. It's good for you, will aid in weight loss but one of the MAJOR reasons for me is that it can help in fighting any recurrences of cancer. I have read quite a few articles and listened to a lot of stories lately outlining that exercise can actually reduce the chance of cancers coming back. Sign a girl up! The U of C recently opened up a gym for cancer patients and cancer survivors free of charge for this very reason! AMAZING!

I ran tonight for the first time in almost a year and guess what??? It's SOOOOO much easier to run when you are 22 pounds lighter! Go figure! I have always been an off and on kind of runner. Sure I've done some races but did I really enjoy it?? Not really...except the finishing part!! But I'm thinking that now that I've achieved the weight loss part of this adventure and I'm feeling better about myself as a person I can now actually believe in myself to achieve a fitness goal beyond a 5 or 10 km race.

GOALS: I never really understood goals. Not to the point where you actually put a time limit on yourself to achieve something. I was all about the "one day I would like to do that" frame of mind. But I now realize that without that deadline you either just forget about it or FAIL. So now my SIL (goal setter extraordinaire) and I are going to team up and keep the motivation going and be eachother's "Jiminy Crickets" if you will and work towards the Calgary Half Marathon in May.

One NEEDS goals...something to look forward to...something to keep you interested in what you are doing...BRING IT ON!