I figured since I was feeling a little feisty today that I would blog about this particular emotion. I definitely appreciate all the feedback that I have been getting as I document my journey but I need to make something very clear...and I know it is probably quite obvious to everyone but during the past 18 months I have had serious moments of extreme ANGER!!!
Anger so raw that I just want to punch my fist through a wall or SCREAM at the top of my lungs...some days I feel like I'm doing so good and then the next day anger will almost consume me!
I remember Mike and I putting the kids to bed one night and then I decided to go to the mailbox to get our mail. When I was walking back up the steps to our door I caught my foot on the top step and I went down...HARD...smacking my head on the corner of the bricks that line our door and I just sat there and cried. Mike came to my rescue like my knight in shining armour and brought me inside. I then proceeded to open the mail after I got some ice on the growing horn on my head. Among the many envelopes in the mail was one from the hospital. Without thinking about what it could be I opened it up and noticed that it was the pamphlet explaining my second surgery. Now this pamphlet was complete with pictures of possible incision sites and I FREAKED out!!! That was the last straw for that day... I just sat down and cried.
Mike came and knelt in front of me, put his hands on my lap and I just yelled "WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME"??? WHY????????? I was sooooooooo angry...at the situation, at the cancer, at the doctors, at God...everyone was on my hit list!!! It just wasn't fair!!!!!!!!!!!!! But Mike stayed by my side and just let me cry and get mad...exactly what I needed!!
Another moment was when I was talking to Deb about everything that was going on and I realized that she was freaked out about a few things and just knowing that people were just as scared as I was SCARED the absolute crap out of me...so here came the anger...I just yelled at her "YES, I AM ANGRY...I AM FURIOUS THAT THIS IS GOING ON, BUT I NEED EVERYONE AROUND ME TO TELL ME AND TRULY BELIEVE THAT I AM GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS"!!
Everyone keeps telling me that I am strong and a hero and you know, everyone in my life that I have ever encountered that has gone through cancer I have felt the exact same way about them, but for some reason most of the time I don't feel very strong and I sure as heck don't feel like a hero! But just hearing it from all of you makes me gain a little bit of my strength back when I get so exhausted I don't know what to do with myself!!
So as I sit here being Radioactive Girl away from my family once AGAIN because of this stupid cancer I am reminded just how UNFAIR this all is. When my kids are talking to me on the phone crying for me to hug them and I can't...UNFAIR!! Or telling me over and over again how much they miss me and I can't go to them...UNFAIR!! Not being able to hug or kiss anyone goodnight...UNFAIR!!
You know, it's a wonder people stick around and deal with all my junk!! But man oh man, am I ever glad they do!! Or else who knows where I would be...